What Would Jesus Barbecue?

This post started as a comment to Rani's previous post. So if you have not had the pleasure of reading it, do it now, then come back.

Jesus had a barbecue once. He only used two fish and five loaves of bread and fed 5,000 people. He probably served wine too. By my logic, that makes Jesus and Hilary Clinton one and the same. Going further, Mitt Romney said that Jesus and Satan were brothers (or something to that effect). In the mid 1990's, Republicans were calling Bill Clinton the devil, a.k.a. Satan. THEREFORE: If Bill really is Satan, that means he is the anti-Christ and doesn't the anti-Christ have to rise to power before Jesus returns? He has already risen (twice).

Lando's Conclusion: If anyone wants Armageddon and the Rapture, they should vote for Hilary Clinton. If, perhaps, you are a sinner and do not want me to be spirited to my maker, then these are your flawed choices.

The Sinners:

1. John Edwards: His blue-collar stories from the trial courtroom will make you sympathize with all of the blue-collar factory workers who now work in South Asia. At desks. In offices.

2. Barack Obama: He grew up in Hawaii (it wasn’t even American until 1959) and Indonesia. He’s wanted to be president since kindergarten (which is when he started school in Indonesia). So a guy who doesn’t really grow up in America with an exotic/non-American name wants to become president of the United States as soon as he moves to a majority Muslim country? He’s always going on about change too. The changes he foresees mean little black burqa nights at the club (read: the mosque) and prayer SIX times a day to show the Mecca who’s the boss.

The False Prophets:

1. Mitt Romney: Will do all he can to prohibit the things that make you feel good. Like drugs and coffee.

2. Mike Huckabee: His plan to curb the obesity epidemic includes a new regimen for weight loss and spiritual gain called prayercise. Think Jazzercise without the sin and church in a sauna.

3. Rudy Giuliani: He will scare you shitless until you realize that yes, you are a terrorist.

4. John McCain: I almost forgot him. He suffered so much during his tortuous stay at the Hanoi Hilton that he can't even fully bend and extend his right arm. Do you really want a commander in chief that can't salute the troops? I didn't think so.

So, you decide. Then stay on your couch because it's easier to watch the election on tv.