Foul sinners, the Reverend Gromit here. I am here to talk to you of a terrible, and wonderful, Prophecy of Doom. It is my favorite book of the Good Book(s): the Book of Revelation! You may be already cringing in horror right now which is good practice for the 1000 year rein of Beelzibub.
For you see, key politicians, such as Dick Cheney playing the role of the Anti-Christ, have been hurrying along the torturous firey reign of Satan. And yes, you will all have to wear 666 T-Shirts.
But fortunately for God's good buddies like myself, along with your endless punishment will be the Christian with a capital C Rapture. The Rapture, for those of you who will be fending off 7-headed dragons, is the day when my electric razor will be left by the sink MYSTERIOUSLY STILL RUNNING! With NO ONE SHAVING OR TURNING IT OFF! BUZZ BUZZ, SECULAR HUMANISTS! Not that I shave, but still, pretty spooky.
Yes, that fine day ye shall be "left behind" to battle the agents of Satan and perhaps be eaten by a friendly demon. Not me, though! I'm going--body and soul--straight to that great big Branson in the sky. While you cry the eternal tears of the damned, I'll be having Mai Tais with Billy Ray Cyrus, Lisa Welchel and of course Chuck Norris. And of course Mike "I only sinned once, and I was a baby" Huckabee will be playing bass in the all Christian Rock All-Star Band (not everything is perfect even in God's Heaven.)
Many of us, the LORDish, have been researching in the field of Rapturology trying to divine exactly when Ragnarok will occur. Ragnarok is, of course, when Jesus, Thor and Superman have a tag-team cage-match with Lucifer, Judas Priest and George Soros.
So shall I give to thee more good news, sons of Cain! There are several telling passages in the Book of Revelation that have recently come to fruition:
6: And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.
As you may recall, the great and mighty W never hurts the oil.
14: And didst the mighty she-wolf of Arkansas feed on the fish of sin.
I think we know who this is about.
18: Soon shall the stars fall down from the sky as the tree doth shake off its figs.
The writers' strike.
39: And wilst the jingoistic football team smite the sinful AFC East.
No idea what this means.
Taken together, even the youngest Hell-bound Buddist child can see that the end is nigh. I do feel sad that Michael Zebadiah Huckabee will never be President. For soon the LORD shall snatcheth him away. Huckabee will leave behind an unoccupied golf cart on the rolling fairways of Augusta.
Ron Paul will still be here, though. You'll pray for the lake of fire.
1 comment:
I just got this: "And didst the mighty she-wolf of Arkansas feed on the fish of sin."
funny.
Post a Comment