Recount! Recount!

In case you haven't heard, there's going to be a recount for the New Hampshire Primary.

Some of us right here at American Other suggested that there might have been something hinkey going on with New Hampshire, so we're pleased that officials will be reconsidering the ballots. Of course, if some sort of tampering or unfairness occurred in the first place, I have difficulty believing that it wouldn't happen with a recount as well.

Of course, this whole situation recalls the 2000 election, though there's a lot less at stake at the moment.*

I have no doubt that the election results will change in some way, though I doubt they will change much for Kucinich (who is instigating the recount with Republican Albert Howard--they fronted the $2,000 needed to start the process).

I think the recount will give Ron Paul a boost and, in fact, I find his primary results to be most suspicious. I also think that percentages will change for both Obama and Edwards and that Hillary Clinton will prove to have less support.

Why is Kucinich doing that? Clearly, his 1.4% won't be increasing to the levels that would make him a viable candidate. I think he has a few reasons:

• The Principle--Aren't you inherently skeptical of most polls? I know I am. Having a recount would give us another data set to consider. Of course, it'll probably just make me continue to distrust results, and I'll want another recount. If, however, the results are close enough, then maybe I'll have more faith in the act of election (though certainly not in the morons doing the electing!)
• Folk Heroism--If Kucinich's recount initiative uncovers some dirty laundry, he will gain my admiration. He might even gain my vote! Okay, since I've been considering electability in my voting (and apparently the large body of Obama and Clinton voters don't care about this and are willing to turn over the reigns to President Huckabee), I probably wouldn't go vote for Kucinich, but I'd certainly tell everyone how cool he is. Maybe I'll put a picture of him on my wall, next to all my Star Wars paraphernalia.
• Making Votes Count--Have all the voters had their votes counted? Kucinich wants some assurance.
  

What do you think will happen?

*Much is at stake in the election proper, but this is only the beginning. There is still time for America--and Edwards--to rise.

Election drop-outs

We spend so much time on the top contenders here that I'd like to give a shout out to the less-successful candidates. To that end, here are my predictions on who will drop out and when.

Richardson: No stranger to snark from our blog, Richardson will hold on for one more day (in the words of Wilson Phillips).

Kucinich: He *should* drop out (aw, little Yoda) but I think he will never know when to quit and will soldier on until he flat out runs out of cash.

Gravel: Dropping out tonight, mark my words.

Iowa Cometh

Rani now has a sinus infection and is reportedly sleeping with a "lavendar warming sheep" on her head so I'll weigh in briefly: Iowa. Caucuses. These caucuses are going to give the go-nowhere candidates a chance to quit without looking like quitters. And it's going to pick a frontrunner with actual delegates instead of just polls and cash. I'm going to rank the field as to my prefered candidates from both parties (in one handy list!)

1. John Edwards: Every time I think about crappy health care, huge co-pays and prescriptions draining my bank account I think about JE (not to be confused with JC although don't forget Jesus liked the poor and healing people too). Yes we have a chance for a good solid Progressive and maybe we can make some *gasp* progress!


2. Dennis Kucinich: Just saw Star Wars III again on Skinimax. Kucinich IS Yoda. Pointy ears. Wise words. Sees a lot of spaceships. Short. Handy with a light saber. Friendly with Large, hairy women (we all know what's behind Yoda's "good relations" with the Wookies. He's a freak!)

3. Chris Dodd: He's a bit of a speed-talker which is a problem because Americans can be slow-understanders. A cool stand on the senate floor, he speaks fluent Spanish...not a bad guy.




4. Barack Obama: Oprah likes him. He also does have a lot in common with JFK. He's charismatic, inexperienced, risky electorally and either he doesn't have a lot of policy ideas or is playing everything close to the vest (I believe the second, frankly.) Unlike JFK he doesn't have a quip for every occasion and also he tends to use big words most Americans don't understand. But wouldn't that be a relief after W?

5. Mike Gravel: "Imagine you had a chance in hell..."

6. Bill Richardson: Folksy only goes so far.

7. Joe Biden: Annoying life-long political insider.

8. Ron Paul: No NAFTA, no war--great; guns--fine (after the Bush administration I'm kind of glad the country is well-armed and hard to take over)...the rest not so much

9. Hillary Rodham Clinton: A wolf in sheep's clothing on war, trade and corporate welfare but we could use some progressive judges

10. John McCain: At least he's anti-torture (sort-of)



11. Alan Keyes: Easy to put him here because he has no shot. And he was in Borat!

12. Fred Thompson: This dude is comatose.

13. Duncan Hunter: Who?

14. Mitt Romney: Awful candidate and he "saw the Patriots win the World Series." Not even the Patriots are THAT good.

15. Rudy Giuliani: Slimy criminal taking shit from 9/11 firefighters. Wish I believed in Hell.

16. Mike Huckabee: "When fascism comes to this country, it will be wrapped in the flag, carrying a cross." That's what Bush was wrapped in. This guy is a dangerous fundamentalist and is looking to become the Ayatollah of America. God help us all.

The Readers Have Spoken

In our last poll, we asked, "Which is the biggest lie."

Your choices: Mike Huckabee is right about Creationism, Hillary really bakes cookies, Dennis Kucinich saw a UFO, Bush just got the Iran report last week.

Which is the biggest lie?

Bush just got the Iran report last week took a narrow win over Hillary's culinary skills.

No one voted for Kucinich's UFO encounter, which either suggests that we believe Kucinich or he sounds positively earnest compared to the rest of these characters.

Now, we bring you a new poll. Speak your mind. Be not afraid.

We Cut Out the Middleman

Much hullabaloo this weekend as Oprah Winfrey appeared in Iowa to campaign for Lil' Barack Obama. (NB: Do check out the LA Times link because you can vote on "Best Celebrity Endorsement," and Fred Thompson is his own celebrity endorsement. Who said America isn't wonderful?)

I have a proposal: Forget about Obama and just elect Oprah. Come on, you know you want to.

Oprah has a suitable (Bill) Clinton-esque narrative of progress sure to please even the most diehard meritocrats around. Coming from a struggling and troubled childhood, Oprah works hard and reinvents herself as, perhaps, the most successful American businesswoman ever. Gee, isn't this country great?! See, you just have to work hard like Oprah, and you'll be completely fine. And if you didn't do as well as Oprah, well, you just didn't try hard enough. This is the message I want to send the children of America. Don't you? For shame!

While I'm sure that celebrity endorsements for presidential campaigns are nothing new, I can't help but wonder if the Oprah-hoopla confirms my suspicion that the 2008 hopefuls are, mostly, a bunch of divas. And that's why we should just forget the candidates altogether and vote for the celebrities.

It would go a little something like this....

The Death Match

Lil' Dems
Harry Belafonte (John Edwards)
Oprah Winfrey (Barack Obama)
Barbara Streisand (Hillary Clinton)
Sean Penn (Dennis Kucinich)

Lil' Republicans
Ric Flair (Mike Huckabee)
The Cast of Big Love (Mitt Romney)
Steve Forbes (Rudy Giuliani)
Fred Thompson (Fred Thompson)

The Action

Early Primaries
In the first round, Belafonte sings the "Banana Boat Song," while Streisand reprises her numbers from Yentl. The American Idol judges declare Belafonte the winner, fair and square.

Wrestler Ric Flair takes on Steve Forbes and, let's face it, that match is over in approximately 30 seconds.

Oprah and Sean Penn go head to head, but Oprah hops on her diamond-encrusted pony rocket and leaves Sean Penn in the dust. Serves him right for the heavy-handed metaphors in his 9/11 short film.

Finally, it's the cast of Big Love vs. Fred Thompson. With all the prayerful action that Bill, Barb, Nicky, Margene and the kids could offer--and the evil doings of Roman, Albee, and everyone on the compound--it appears that Fred Thompson might meet his match. But no--the law is on Fred Thompson's side, law and order to be more specific. So, while the cast of Big Love is meeting to plan their attack, Fred Thompson has called the state police, the FBI, and the ATF. Before the cast can act, their houses and the compound are swarmed, and a Waco-style shootout/fiery death occurs.

The Conventions
Oprah thinks she has the nomination cinched, with only Harry Belafonte to throw down. But wait, Oprah didn't bother to come up with a platform. She was running on her role as Oprah (sounds like her endorsee, no?). News comes to light of Belafonte's involvement in the March on Washington and in the Civil Rights Movement, and the crowds go wild. No one wants Oprah anymore, so she cries on national television--to no avail.

As Ric Flair prepares to head off Fred Thompson at the pass, Thompson has called a congressional hearing to investigate use of steroids in the WWE. Ric Flair finds himself stuck in awful traffic on Massachusetts Avenue on his way to the Capitol for the hearing. Thompson wins again.

Election Day
With Harry Belafonte and Fred Thompson neck-and-neck, there's no telling what could happen. On election night, it's too close to call, so the candidates go home for a snooze. Senior Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak announces that she will personally oversee the hanging chad counting, and Belafonte is revealed to be the winner. Conspiracy theorists suggest that with Judith Light now a judge, Novak was worried about losing yet another DA. After all, who's going to back her up when Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler, Richard Belzer and Ice-T come up with their usual cockamamie schemes.

There you have it. John Edwards, I mean Harry Belafonte, for the win. Was that so difficult?