RIP Benzair Bhutto

Rather than provide any sort of comment, I offer portions of an article from the Washington Post, located here. Do with it what you will.

Although no group has claimed responsibility for Bhutto's killing, Western leaders immediately pointed to the Islamic extremist groups operating with increasing intensity in Pakistan, including those with links to al-Qaeda.

Yelling "Musharraf is a dog," they blamed him for Bhutto's death.

Bush, whose administration played a key role in arranging Bhutto's return to the country Oct. 18, spoke by telephone with Musharraf hours after her death.

In the narrow corridor outside the operating room, supporters cried out: "Long live Bhutto!" and "Musharraf is a murderer!"

"This is the height of brutality. They have hanged her father. They have killed her brothers. The government has killed all the good people of Pakistan," said Sarfraz Khan. "Please pray for us. Pray for our poor country."

Fool Me Twice: The Hillary Clinton Nightmare--Part 2--Rupert and Hillary 4ever <3

I'll make this short and scary: Rupert Murdoch, the guy who brings you Fox News and the Wall Street Journal, is one of Senator Hillary Clinton's biggest supporters. Not only did he host a fundraiser for Hillary in 2006, but he has donated thousands of his personal funds. Moreover, he has led a bundling effort that has netted almost $100k for Senator Clinton's campaign from his fascist media concern, News Corp. This makes News Corp a top 20 supporter. Sen. Clinton has returned the favor by attending Fox News' 10th anniversary party.

Why would the head of Fox News support a leftist candidate? He wouldn't. Murdoch knows what all too many Americans ignore: Hillary Clinton is a right wing candidate. She is hawkish on every war that the NeoCons trot in front of Congress. She insists that someone making $96,000 a year is "middle class" (even though only 6% of America makes that.)

Hillary Clinton is someone who is once again responsive to only the needs of the rich and powerful. Murdoch's Fox News is the propaganda voice of the rich and powerful. This is not a mistake: the network that brought you Bush II is ready to bring you Hillary. Be afraid.

51 Seats Are Not Enough

So today I'd like to talk about the Senate, and Senatorial leadership, and a few showdowns that are coming up that people seem oddly unconcerned about. And I'd really like to talk about Mitch McConnell. Specifically, I'd like to talk about how much I hate him, and how much you should hate him, too.

As the NYTimes reported, the Senate is about to bail on staffing the F.E.C. with competent commissioners, just before the 2008 campaign season really gets ramped up.

This particular story starts with Dubya's deep-seated love for recess appointments, and good ol' Hans Spakovsky. His (and two other) recess appointments are up in January, and the Senate is deadlocked on who gets to fill the spots. What should happen next in any Senate with balls at all is that Majority Leader Harry Reid forces a floor fight with Mitch McConnell.

But he won't. Uh, he definitely won't.

He and McConnell have come to accomodations over FISA and retroactive immunity for telecom companies that cooperated with warrantless wiretapping and have agreed not to run out a 30-hour clock on the motion. Reid is taking the easy way out; there are Democrat senators who'd like to add amendments to strip out retroactive immunity. Reid seems far more concerned about a Republican filibuster lately than on doing the right thing.

The thing is, there's blood in the water and no one seems to be noticing it on the left. McConnell is facing some serious opposition at home. So far he's facing three Louisville millionaires, and a guy who lost the 2006 Dem primary.

Bob Novak said of McConnell on the Immigration Reform bill back in 2007:

"If this were a war, Sen. McConnell should be relieved of command for dereliction of duty." Not only did the minority leader end up voting against an immigration bill that he said was better than the 2006 version he supported, he abandoned his post, staying off the floor during final stages of the debate."

Speaking of abandoning his post, what's up with Republicans who dodge military service? From Wikipedia:

The exact circumstances surrounding the discharge remain unknown because McConnell has always refused to discuss them; however, in August 1967, a telegram was sent to the commanding general at Fort Knox (where McConnell was in boot camp) by former Senator John Sherman Cooper, for whom McConnell had previously worked as an intern. The telegram stated that O'Connell was "anxious to clear post in order to enroll NYU. Please advise when final action can be expected." However, no record exists of McConnell ever enrolling - or even applying for admission - into New York University.

Um. Yeah.

Then there's his support for now-indicted KY governor Ernie Fletcher. Even in the midst of the hullaballoo, McConnell felt confident enough to step in front of a television camera and say, "I've never met a finer man than Ernie Fletcher."

The fallout of that one was wide and far-reaching, and eventually compelled Fletcher to fire several of his own appointees to save his own ass.

The guy's nuts on voting, too. He's backed pretty much everything the President has said he should. And even the most cursory scan of his voting record shows exactly how far gone he is. That means anything to do with the rule of law gets the boot, and anything that furthers the role of the executive gets a hearty welcome, and maybe a little Pavlovian-conditioned salivation on the side. Abortion? Bad. Anything that makes the country actually safer? Bad. Anything that furthers fear and hostility and gives the Republicans more power? Good! Anything that punishes poor people, scares Joe Public, and rewards corporate interests? Even better! The one surprise is that he didn't support a constitutional ban on flag burning back in 1995. I guess he had to draw a line somewhere...or maybe he just couldn't read very well back then, who knows?
I'm wondering if I've made the case that McConnell sucks* forcefully enough.

I'll probably write a post on how McConnell runs rings around Reid anytime he feels like it next. That's the flipside of this dismal, ugly, corroded coin.


*His wife is about as evil as he is. It's tangential to mention, and yeah, it's irrelevant and probably unfair, but she really sucks, too. I suppose I say this to offer evidence that shitty people tend to find each other and help each other be even shittier than they could be on their own. Oh, and it loops back, too, since at least one of the mine disasters she presided over was plagued by allegations of corruption and bribery traced directly to her husband's relationship with the mine owner. Stephen Colbert sends this one up better than I ever could.

Blogging for America

You might have noticed some new voices around here, so I want to take a post and introduce everyone.

Meet Lando and Salil, who will be bringing you the same snark you've grown to love.

Also, keep any eye out because Snarff has moved from web content into full-fleged poster. Not to worry, he will keep bringing you audio and visuals.

Happy holidays from the crew at American Other. We've been drinking a bit too much eggnog (and I currently have three Christmas presents sitting on my head--and they aren't even hats!), so we'll be back in full force once our hangovers have cleared!

NORAD and Santa

So I'm watching Monday Night Football. And amid the traditional holiday crap (group shots of the MNF crew, Xmas bumper muzak, etc.) Mike Tirico sincerely announces that NORAD (whose primary function is to track incoming nukes) is "tracking Santa." Then I talked with Rani on the phone and she also had heard the NORAD tracking Santa announcement on another station. This is hardly surprising, TV and NORAD have been doing this since I was a kid (the Reagan years, of course.) But before tonight I never realized how emblematic of the sickness of American culture this is. It's like a 7-layer burrito of dysfunction.

Now call me Scrooge (a good tale of populism, btw), but I decided this year that if I were to have kids someday (due to some birth control malfunction no doubt) I wouldn't feed them the old Santa Claus bullshit. If I'm going to buy my kids the latest gaming system, I don't want them thanking an imaginary pedophile.

Instead of:"Be good kids, Santa can see you and then no toys."
It'll be: "Beer me, Junior, or I'm selling your PS9 on eBay."
Much Better.

Besides, when the polar ice caps melt, then what?

"Santa's gonna drown dad!"
"It's because you forgot to say your prayers, kids."

But in the meantime, as a single American who has yet to father any future National Guardsmen for World War V, I have to listen to TV tell me that NORAD is tracking Santa Claus every fucking year. Thoughts that come to mind:

1. I live in DC. How can Santa deliver toys to DC without violating the White House Airspace? Will there be another crater in Pennsylvania? The hero elves of Santa Sleigh 93 attacked and killed the bearded terrorist Santa Al Clauz. They beat him to death with Bratz dolls.

2. Why do we have to be reminded of impending Nuclear Annihilation every Xmas Eve?

3.Wouldn't this be the perfect time for North Korea to squeeze off an ICBM at us over the North Pole?

What kid knows what NORAD is anyway? Is this when every kid turns around to his 50s pipe-smoking dad and asks, "Hey dad, what the hell is NORAD, and why is it tracking Santa Claus?" That's when most of American dads say, "Shut up, I'm trying to watch the game." But those who actually know the answer to the question will probably be inspired in a Jingoistic Xmas frenzy to say, "Those are the good people who live in a mountain with all the keys to the Nukes. If two guys both turn some keys, we all die. Then we get to see Grandpa."

Thank you Military Industrial Complex for somehow creeping onto EVERY LIVE BROADCAST ON CHRISTMAS EVE to talk about the extinction of the human race. And if you're a poor kid, you wake up the next morning to some "Toys for Tots" Marines handing you a GI Joe action figure. Jesus would be psyched!

Good thing NORAD sounds about as believable to a kid as Santa Claus does. Kid:"Let me get this straight--there's some guys who live under a mountain who spend their time tracking a fictional character. Sounds like a Dungeons 'n' Dragons club."

Now THAT sounds scary.

"Merry XMas!"

Hi folks. I'm Salil.

This is my inaugural post. I actually had another one in the works that I'll polish up and release soon enough. But I'm home in Memphis, TN, visiting my family.

And I just wanted to share some true joy from the heart of America. I'm feeling a bit Grinch-like lately, thanks to a variety of inanity I've run across, and most of it is religious in nature. Well, 'tis the season to act holy, or at least more than thou, so I guess it's my turn!

First, a letter to the editor in my hometown rag, the Commercial Appeal. This is it, unedited, in its entirety (12/24/2007):

"Recently my grandson was cleaning his gun and accidentally shot himself. He was transported to the Regional Medical Center at Memphis. Since his condition was not critical, I waited until the next morning before I came to see him.

"Being from out of town and unfamiliar with the location, I could not find handicapped parking, but I did find a space across the street. Just entering the hospital from the parking space [sic] I was approached several times by different pandhandlers who requested money. They were rude and frightening when I refused to donate. Several police cars were patrolling the area, but none seemed to notice the situation.

"Isn't there something that can be done about this?

"Barbara Greenlee - Corinth, Mississippi."

I feel like that one is almost Zen-like in its ability to sum up everything that is wrong with the South. Clearly, someone has forgotten that Jesus is the Reason for the Season. But I really wish I could reply to her plaintive "isn't there something that can be done about this?" Such an easy retort!

"Yes, Barbara. We could take you out behind your trailer and let your grandson clean his gun again right next to you. Odds are that next time the situation will work out better for the whole planet."

This is immediately followed by a series of letters to the editor about whether the X as it's sometimes used in "XMas" is offensive or not. I cannot make this shit up. Seriously. But apparently quite a few fine upstanding Southern folk out there think that it is. Allow me to quote from another reader of this newspaper, a Mr. Dalton Cooper of Memphis, TN:

"The use of X is just another attempt by the small group of atheists to malign a belief of the vast majority of the American public: a belief in God and Christ."

An imperial presidency; an America characterized by xenophobic fear of the other that is fast losing its technological and intellectual edge in every economic sector you can shake a stick at; the environmental movement in tatters; the Constitution reduced to an inconvenient afterthought...and it's using an "X" in XMas that's offensive. Gotcha, Dalton. Glad to see you have your priorities straight.

Next up, an article in the same newspaper that my sister forwarded to me. I'll keep the commentary to a minimum. Read on, fellow teeth-gnashers.

"What happens here is funded entirely by Bellevue Baptist, a 30,000-member church in Memphis, the nation's second-largest Southern Baptist congregation. Every year, Bellevue shells out $5.5 million -- one-fourth of its $22 million annual budget -- for missionary work around the world. At any given time, Bellevue is supporting missionaries in more than two dozen countries, and annually sends its Memphis congregants on international mission trips to Central America, South America, Eastern Europe, the Middle East and Asia.

"India is particularly important for the congregation. The country is at the center of what Bellevue and other evangelical churches refer to as the '10/40 window' -- the area 10degrees to 40degrees north of the equator, from North Africa to Japan, where 95percent of the people are 'unevangelized' and where only 8percent of evangelical missionary dollars are spent.

"It's really called 'The Last Frontier,' says Steve Marcum, Bellevue's minister of missions."

The comments on this one are particularly finely wrought. You've got the most xenophobic racist evangelicals proclaiming their superiority over the heathens and their God-given obligation to bring their beautiful faith to the barbarians, since they just don't know any better. You've also got angry uncles proclaiming that India is really pretty swell, and you've got the BJP taking political advantage of the whole thing, too. It's like a perfect holiday three-ring circus, except the clowns are waaaay too scary for kids.

Okay, I think I'll end with that for now.

So when you're praying to whoever it is you pray to about the things you think are important, try and remember that there is no God, and even if there were, he's not listening to you, because you're retarded. Then visit the Betty Bowers website, and enjoy what the holidays are really for: getting away from your idiotic coworkers, and getting drunk in a bar after spending too much time with your family.

So many questions.

In an effort to prove to the West that they are really the narcissistic attention-seeking terrorists we all know they are, Al Qaeda is opening up to questions from journalists. I have a feeling that some heads could roll (figuratively and literally) after this episode concludes. Fox News & Friends (read: the Administration and anyone who unconditionally loves America) will pillory any journalist for even thinking of asking questions. The associative logic displayed by these people sickens me but, alas, that's for another post. I'm also a little worried for Al-Qaeda's PR man. If he lets the wrong questions in, especially with the translation factor, we could see an internet video of him being fired. And by fired, I mean being decapitated. I am posting my questions below. I am also asking you, the loyal reader, to post as many questions as you want to ask Number 2.

9. How long did it take your beard to grow to its current length? Was it pre- or post- Lord of the Rings?

8. Has anyone ever referred to you as the Gandalf of Arabia, or do you feel more like Gimli since you live in a cave?

7. What is your biggest pet peeve about living with Osama Bin Laden? (He strikes me as the kind of guy without the common courtesy to replace the cap on the toothpaste).

6. Where do you see yourself 5 years from now? 10 years?

5. What is on your iPod right now?

4. If you were a car, what brand, make, and model would you be? (My guess is a Yugo.)

3. What parenting advice can you offer to Jamie Lynn Spears?

2. (Sung to the theme from Carmen Sandiego) Where in the world is Osama bin Laden?

1. If the result of having sex with a man named Mohammad was the conversion or death of every non-Muslim in the world, would you complete that task?

Fool Me Twice: The Hillary Clinton Nightmare--Part 1--Endless War

Snarff here. Rani is doing the Xmas thing. I'm part of Bill-O's war on Christmas, so I'm going to throw some posts your way.

Our experience should have shown us the danger in trusting this Administration as it marched to war. That is why I and many of my colleagues -- at least many of those who bothered to vote -- opposed the Kyl-Lieberman Amendment. Unfortunately, Senator Clinton instead chose to lend credence to the Administration's position...It's easy to say 'fool me once, shame on George Bush,' but when she's been fooled twice, shame on her.
--Senator Christopher Dodd



As courageous as Chris Dodd has been these days (except for funding the war again), I have to disagree with him. Senator Hillary Clinton is the one trying to fool America twice, which is why any Democrat (and perhaps even the anti-war *gag* Repub Ron Paul) would be a decidedly better president.

While Senator Clinton mounts racist attacks against Senator Obama, (that drug dealer thing that would make George H.W. proud) she claims to be a helpless woman being attacked by misogynists.

Clinton touts her "experience" in her husband's administration, but asks us to forget her failure in her signature project (with a Democratic Congress no less)--Health Care reform. Oh, and then the Clintons helped to lose congress for 12 years and keep Rush flush with Oxycontin. Don't forget NAFTA--we all hear the "giant sucking sound" now. (Ross Perot had those great big ears so he heard it first.)

Progressives look forward to another Clinton administration like they look forward to open-heart surgery.

This first post will focus on perhaps the most dangerous aspect of Clinton's candidacy: her thirst for war.

I take responsibility for my vote. It was a sincere vote based on the facts and assurances we had at the time. Obviously, I would not vote that way again if we knew then what we know now.
Sen. Clinton on 2002 Iraq War authorization.

Except she did. Clinton voted for the Kyl-Lieberman amendment to "...designate the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps as a foreign terrorist organization." What exactly is the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps? Is it a rag tag band of terrorists doing the hand-over -hand bars at an Al Qaeda "camp?" No it's actually the largest branch of the Iranian Army, currently over 400,000 strong. This is more than double the number of US troops in Iraq. In time of war, the IRGC reportedly can swell to 11 million. So it's no wonder that Senator Jim Webb called the bill "Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream" and "...tantamount to a declaration of war." Senator Clinton is all too comfortable with war.

Not only does Hillary refuse to apologize for her vote to attack Iran, she believes the NIE "vindicates" her approval of the Iran war. Sound familiar? This is the same patented up-is-down doublespeak the Bush administration trotted out after the NIE. Here's what Hillary was saying about Iran in September: "The Revolutionary Guards are deeply involved in Iran’s nuclear program." Doesn't sound like vindication to me. But it does sound like Hillary circa 2003: "It is clear ... that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons." Hillary Clinton: a mouthpiece for NeoCons everywhere.

Hillary is also committed to being in Iraq indefinitely. Even with nearly 4,000 dead US Soldiers and an Iraqi death toll tantamount to genocide, Sen. Clinton wants a permanent presence in Iraq. Apparently Big Oil money isn't red or blue, it's green like the rest of Hillary's special interest cash. Sen. Clinton shows the same callous disregard for human life that W has. As the remainder of the Democratic field promises to be out of Iraq in a year, Hillary Clinton betrays America yet again.

Should Hillary be elected she would be the first woman president. She may also be the first woman President to be tried for war crimes.

We need to use every tool at our disposal, including...the threat and use of military force.
Sen. Clinton "talking tough" about Iran at AIPAC (American Israel Public Affairs Committee) dinner; 1/31/07

Iowa Knows What's Up: Edwards Leads

Polls are stupid, but one here suggests that Edwards is making a strong showing in Iowa.

Clearly, there are some fine-thinking Iowans who know how to pick a candidate. One of them even reads this blog!

Turkey Attacks Iraq, Lil' Condi Does Standup

You may have heard about Turkey's attack on northern Iraq. Say it with me, kids: Kurds!

I heard this news on the Ed Schultz show on Air America yesterday, and it featured Condoleeza Rice stating that the U.S. is very concerned about loss of innocent civilian lives. What, is she vying for a spot on Whose Line is it Anyway? I didn't realize that the Bush Administration cares about innocent civilian lives. In fact, I'm still not convinced they do.

The Detroit Free Press offers this story, in which Iraqis allege that there is no way Turkey would have attacked Iraq without U.S. sanction. Compelling argument. Kind of like the way the Japanese wouldn't have bombed Pearl Harbor if we hadn't left the boats out for them to bomb. That was a DBQ subject on my AP US History exam back in the day. I read some of those documents. I totally believe Roosevelt was looking for a way to get us into WWII. Just like 9/11.... hmm... but I digress.

Our Hope: John Edwards

I just received an email from Kevin Bacon. He said we should vote for John Edwards. You know how I love me a celebrity endorsement! Particularly one from a celebrity from whom I am less than six degree away! (This is what happens when you date someone who was in that amazing '80s classic Satisfaction.)

Watch this movie. Do it. DO IT.



See if you can resist the politician who cares about the poor, who cares about health care, who cares about this country. I know I can't. Go Edwards!

The Readers Have Spoken

In our last poll, we asked, "Which is the biggest lie."

Your choices: Mike Huckabee is right about Creationism, Hillary really bakes cookies, Dennis Kucinich saw a UFO, Bush just got the Iran report last week.

Which is the biggest lie?

Bush just got the Iran report last week took a narrow win over Hillary's culinary skills.

No one voted for Kucinich's UFO encounter, which either suggests that we believe Kucinich or he sounds positively earnest compared to the rest of these characters.

Now, we bring you a new poll. Speak your mind. Be not afraid.

A Likely Story

Two pieces of news out of Pakistan:

1) Terror suspect flees.

2) Emergency rule ends, was meant to preserve democracy.

Okay. Help me think this through. Musharraf announces the end of the Emergency, stating that he had to implement emergency rule due to a threat to Pakistan's democracy. (And here I didn't even know that Pakistan ever had democracy. What country does, these days?) So let me get this straight. Musharraf had to squash democracy to preserve democracy. Fascinating. 1984 much?

Meanwhile, this fleeing terror suspect news coincides with Musharraf's democratic pronouncement. What better a way to reinforce the legitimacy of the Emergency and freak people out a little all at once?

All the News...

Baseketball: Here I am, mildly hamstrung by an aching wrist--but after the Mitchell Report, my doctor refuses to do anything about it. How the not-so-mighty have fallen. Don't you remember when George Mitchell was doing IRA/Northern Ireland peace talks? I once had a classmate who claimed George Mitchell was her father. He wasn't. I should have realized this, since "Mitchell" wasn't her surname, but I was trying not to be judgmental. Bad idea.

Halliburton Land: I still haven't seen much coverage of the Halliburton rape case. Yes, there are now 730 Google News hits, but I haven't really seen it in any of the major locales. (No, The Kansas Record isn't what I have in mind). Get it together, major news media outlets! Hillary Clinton, I saw at one point, has called for a probe into the case. Good one Hillary. You were probably guarding the shipping crate and withholding the cell phone.

Primary School: Straight outta Des Moines, Mike Huckabee tells Elizabeth Edwards that Des Moines Register debates are dull ("It's boring") and everyone with half a brain cell declares John Edwards the winner of the debate. And how could you not? He has got all the charm of Jimmy Carter minus the October Surprise. He won't get down and dirty in various Obama-Clinton debacles. While they are playing playground politics, Edwards is busy saving puppies and helping old ladies cross the street.

The Cold Truth: I'm just going to say it. Don't go to the primaries electing people on whim or novelty. There's too much "Ooooh! A woman!" and "Oooooh! An African American!" going on. Look at the big picture. Think about who might win a general election. Think about all those people who aren't like you, who think electing anyone other than a white Christian man goes against God's (and Chuck Norris') law. Come time for the national election, when they're hesitating between Mitt "I Wear Magical Undies" Romney and Hillary Clinton, who are they going to pick? When they are forced to choose between Mike "I Love Chuck" Huckabee and Barack Obama, what are they going to do?

Quite frankly, I'm fed up with the Lil' Dems a lot of the time, but they're infinitely preferable to the Lil' Repubs. Let's think about our latest Lil' Dem Presidents: Lil' Bill, Lil' Jimmy Carter, Lil' Lyndon Johnson. White. Southern. Men. Lil' John Edwards. White. Southern. Man.

If we hadn't just endured eight years from hell, courtesy of Dubya, I'd probably be voting for Lil' Barack. But it's been bad, kids. Really bad. In my hunt for an electable candidate, I stumbled over Lil' John Edwards, and I realized that he's more of what I was looking for anyway.

And the man drives a gold Dodge Caravan. I know this because Snarff and I were at an event once and, when we left, wound up on Massachusetts Avenue behind Lil' John Edwards. I began to wave crazily out the car window, and he waved back.

Recession Roundup

Reuters and other news agencies are reporting that central banks around the world are coming together to ease the credit crunch for overtaxed banks that are having trouble borrowing money.

WWAGD?*

This news report reminded me of another event in U.S. history--Black Thursday. You might not remember October 24, 1929, but that was the day that people started dumping their stock holdings, leading J.P. Morgan and other bankers to band together to buy up stocks and shore up the stock market. And we know how well that turned out. Just five days later, October 29, 1929, was the more famous Black Tuesday, the beginning of the Great Crash and the single most devastating financial day in the history of the New York Stock Exchange.**

What am I trying to tell you? Buy gold. I recommend Barclay's Bank Gold Shares, traded on the American Stock Exchange as "IAU."

Financial advice aside, I think it's time to get comfortable with that "r" word. Just say it.... Recession. Recession. Recession. Keep hoping it doesn't turn into that "d" word. Don't say it. Although Bush tried to claim that we're not headed for recession when he announced the mortgage freeze last week, the writing is on the wall.

What is it about Bushes that when we elect one, we end up in recession? Oh right.... Iraq.... Iraq... Iraq... Cronies... I can barely believe that, once upon a time, during the Bill Clinton years, we had, what, the smallest deficit in the history of time? And now?

A handy U.S. National Debt Clock is keeping track. As of this posting:



I'm not great with math, but is that nearly 9.2 TRILLION dollars?

Hold on to your hats, kids, 'cause things aren't going to get better any time soon.

*What would Alan Greenspan Do?
**I believe that October 19, 1987 or Black Monday might actually now be the largest stock market crash in terms of numbers, but Black Tuesday had more devastating results/fallout.

Special Buddies Alert: Huck and Chuck

Muchas gracias to a colleague of mine for a tip on this particular gem. She also noted, "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer--if only he cried."



I suppose I have little patience for politicians who try to get too hip with their ads (see: Hillary Clinton's Sopranos spoof). Inevitably, these politicians end up proving that they are tragically un-hip.

I came away from this ad thinking more about Chuck Norris than about Mike Huckabee. In fact, I'm ready to vote Norris 2008. Why? Consider Huckabee's assertions in the ad:

My plan to secure the border? Two words: Chuck Norris.
There's no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up. He's pushing the ground down.
Chuck Norris doesn't endorse. He tells America how it's gonna be.

I'm a little scared. I want to move back up north where no one takes Chuck Norris seriously.

Media Cover Up For Halliburton Gang Rape

This morning, I half expected to see news about Jennifer Leigh Jones somewhere. Google News front page, The Washington Post, New York Times, something. No. I shouldn't even be surprised.

I searched Google News, only to find that there are only SIXTEEN (yes, 1-6) hits for Jones's story. I hope that more come up when you click on that link.

Why isn't everyone reporting this? Who has cowed U.S. news media outlets into submission?

This isn't conspiracy theory:

In a statement, KBR said it was "instructed to cease" its own inquiry by the US authorities because they were assuming all responsibility for investigations.

And the U.S. then did nothing about it.

I know people are going to want to argue that this is between several Halliburton* employees and Jones, but this is emblematic of a larger sickness:

Her alleged assailants may well be beneficiaries of a loophole that has in effect left American contractors in Iraq beyond US law. Created in part to prevent prosecutions by the Iraqi authorities, it has meant that armed contractors have never faced legal action for several instances of shooting dead Iraqi civilians.

Welcome to the real Heart of Darkness.

*At the time of these events, Halliburton owned KBR. Because they have now sold KBR (hmmm, suspicious), Halliburton denies any responsibility for what happened to Jones.

No Laws for Halliburton: The Pitfalls of Privatizing Everything

First Blackwater and now this.

I hope you've seen an absolutely shocking allegation from Jamie Leigh Jones, a Texas woman who was gang raped while working in Iraq for Halliburton.

To make her brutal humiliation even worse, when Jones wanted to seek medical help, she was locked in a shipping crate without food and water for over a day. All courtesy of Halliburton.

Jones managed to convince a kind(?) guard to let her use a cell phone, and Jones called her father who, in turn, called the State Department. The State Department sent an envoy from the U.S. embassy in Iraq to extricate Jones from the situation.

Look at these lawless corporations running Iraq. Shooting civilians and raping women. Way to rebuild a country, good sir.

Perhaps Americans don't really think about the Iraqi women who routinely are victims of the same brutality that Jones experienced. But maybe the fact that one of their own has received such abhorrent treatment will galvanize individuals against the free reign given to these corporations by the Bush administration. While I in no way want to minimize the horrors that Jones endured, I can't help but suggest that her experience is a perfect (and terrifying) metaphor of what Bush, Cheney, and their corporate cronies have done to America, Iraq, and the rest of the world.

Saudi, Saudi, Saudi, I Can Let You Go...

This morning, The Washington Post reports that while Gitmo endures, the United States and Saudi Arabia have worked up an extra special plan to "reintegrate" Saudi detainees back into society. Sounds like a little "special buddies" action, no?

According to the Post:

The Defense Department considered more than 90 percent of the transferred detainees to be terrorist threats to the United States and its allies, but sent them home as part of an agreement that Saudi Arabia would mitigate the threat, according to Cmdr. J.D. Gordon, a Pentagon spokesman.

Does this sound fishy to you? "We consider them a threat, but Saudi Arabia will make it aaaaall better." Hmm. Since Saudi Arabia is so adept at prisoner reform, let's just ship our convicts there and watch them rise like phoenixes from the ashes of the U.S. penal system.

From the Saudi perspective:

The Saudi government contends that the reintegration program helps break the terrorist mind-set by linking former detainees with their families, their communities and a stable lifestyle. "No one who has gone through the program, completed it, and been released has presented a threat," said Adel al-Jubeir, the Saudi ambassador to Washington.

So we're assuming that everyone who was locked in Guantanamo actually was a terrorist? That's news to me.

But, in just six short weeks, your jihadist impulses will be gone:

After a reunion of nearly a week with their families, the former detainees begin a six-week program to "correct their ideas" about jihad and non-Muslims, a government effort to woo them away from al-Qaeda's radical theology in one-on-one discussions with religious scholars, Saudi officials said.

And you'll be living in the lap of luxury, kind of like Britney Spears in rehab:

After completing the course, former detainees begin the second phase at a halfway house, replete with a pool, volleyball courts, video games and table tennis. "It's like outpatient treatment. It's like a camp or resort," said a senior Saudi official familiar with the program, who agreed to be interviewed only if he was not identified.... They receive vocational training, religious classes and counseling to deal with depression or to help them adjust psychologically after lengthy captivities. They can spend an occasional night with their families; during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, they spend a week with relatives.

If you gave me a Wii, I might stop being a terrorist too.

Now, of course, I have no problems with the idea of releasing people from Gitmo. Their incarceration and treatment is nothing short of abysmal. Locking people away in Guantanamo is a pretty naive way for the U.S. to avoid taking responsibility for its own behavior and an evil, calculated way to galvanize public support for a failing war and an economy that is on an express train to recession.

What does bother me, however, is that this repatriation program is just another example of the buddy-buddiness with Saudi Arabia that is so characteristic of a Bush. (Not to mention: Saudi clearly is hamstringing the U.S. because of our oil habit, forcing Bush to leave troops in Iraq.)

In fact, the Post article notes:

U.S. and Saudi officials doubt, however, that the program could be adapted to Yemen, Somalia and other countries that lack appropriate resources or strong central governments.

Ah yes, the old "appropriate resources" and "central governments" debate. Why don't they just say it: "We're pissed off at Yemen, because that's where Osama's from" and "Somalia is filled with Africans so we can't trust them." That's *really* how Bush feels. Why pretend that Saudi Arabia is a happy paradise, an island floating in an ocean of Islamic fundamentalism. And how many of those 9/11 hijackers were Saudi? Exactly. Pot meet kettle meet pot.

Why not just say, "Saudi Arabia has colonized us, courtesy of the Bush family, through our dependence on their oil. That's why we're giving them their citizens back." Or "Al-Saud promised ponies for the president and every member of his administration."

At the very least, the pony bribe makes sense. The narratives of Saudi exceptionalism don't.

Mothers, Lock Up Your Gay Sons!

Recent reports indicate that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is standing by a 15-year-old statement in which he favored "isolating" individuals with HIV. Said Huckabee:

We need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague.... It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents.

Huckabee also suggested that we were all being a tad bit too PC back in the '90s.

While I can't dispute that the '90s were an uber PC time that I'm glad to see gone, not locking up AIDS patients isn't a matter of being politically correct. Huckabee invokes quarantining of days past to claim a precedent, but what he fails to realize (then and now) is that there's a big difference between, say, the Bubonic Plague and AIDS. Or TB and AIDS. Or Bird Flu and AIDS.

The likelihood that any of us are going to accidentally contract HIV by getting on the subway with an AIDS patient is incredibly slim. Or, at the very least, you'd have to be trying pretty hard. But if I were on the Metro with a Bubonic Plague victim, someone with consumption, or a convalescing chicken, I would probably get the disease. That is to say, before we run around deciding to lock people up, how about checking about whether or not a disease could be transmitted through casual contact.

I've watched enough Mr. Belvedere to have seen the episode where Wesley's little friend has AIDS. Mr. Belvedere calmly explained to Wesley that it was okay to have the little friend spend the night over at the house. Was Mr. Belvedere telling Wesley that they should call the Department of Homeland Security and have the little friend locked away just in case his HIV mutated into some kind of airborne retrovirus smörgåsbord? I don't think so.

Oh and, by the way, Huckabee tried to get all semantic about this, indicating that "isolate" didn't really mean "quarantine" didn't really mean "lock up." Um, yeah.

Buy a thesaurus, Huckabee, even though you probably would tell the bookstore clerk that the thesaurus was a funny-looking dinosaur. Oh wait. You don't believe in dinosaurs. Sorry.

So, if you're keeping track of Huckabee's list of crimes, here's where I'm at:

• Creationism
• Very bad movie title could serve as his campaign slogan
• Inability to define "PC"
• Poor grasp of English language
  
• Ignorance of disease transmission mechanism
• Didn't see And the Band Played On...

We Cut Out the Middleman

Much hullabaloo this weekend as Oprah Winfrey appeared in Iowa to campaign for Lil' Barack Obama. (NB: Do check out the LA Times link because you can vote on "Best Celebrity Endorsement," and Fred Thompson is his own celebrity endorsement. Who said America isn't wonderful?)

I have a proposal: Forget about Obama and just elect Oprah. Come on, you know you want to.

Oprah has a suitable (Bill) Clinton-esque narrative of progress sure to please even the most diehard meritocrats around. Coming from a struggling and troubled childhood, Oprah works hard and reinvents herself as, perhaps, the most successful American businesswoman ever. Gee, isn't this country great?! See, you just have to work hard like Oprah, and you'll be completely fine. And if you didn't do as well as Oprah, well, you just didn't try hard enough. This is the message I want to send the children of America. Don't you? For shame!

While I'm sure that celebrity endorsements for presidential campaigns are nothing new, I can't help but wonder if the Oprah-hoopla confirms my suspicion that the 2008 hopefuls are, mostly, a bunch of divas. And that's why we should just forget the candidates altogether and vote for the celebrities.

It would go a little something like this....

The Death Match

Lil' Dems
Harry Belafonte (John Edwards)
Oprah Winfrey (Barack Obama)
Barbara Streisand (Hillary Clinton)
Sean Penn (Dennis Kucinich)

Lil' Republicans
Ric Flair (Mike Huckabee)
The Cast of Big Love (Mitt Romney)
Steve Forbes (Rudy Giuliani)
Fred Thompson (Fred Thompson)

The Action

Early Primaries
In the first round, Belafonte sings the "Banana Boat Song," while Streisand reprises her numbers from Yentl. The American Idol judges declare Belafonte the winner, fair and square.

Wrestler Ric Flair takes on Steve Forbes and, let's face it, that match is over in approximately 30 seconds.

Oprah and Sean Penn go head to head, but Oprah hops on her diamond-encrusted pony rocket and leaves Sean Penn in the dust. Serves him right for the heavy-handed metaphors in his 9/11 short film.

Finally, it's the cast of Big Love vs. Fred Thompson. With all the prayerful action that Bill, Barb, Nicky, Margene and the kids could offer--and the evil doings of Roman, Albee, and everyone on the compound--it appears that Fred Thompson might meet his match. But no--the law is on Fred Thompson's side, law and order to be more specific. So, while the cast of Big Love is meeting to plan their attack, Fred Thompson has called the state police, the FBI, and the ATF. Before the cast can act, their houses and the compound are swarmed, and a Waco-style shootout/fiery death occurs.

The Conventions
Oprah thinks she has the nomination cinched, with only Harry Belafonte to throw down. But wait, Oprah didn't bother to come up with a platform. She was running on her role as Oprah (sounds like her endorsee, no?). News comes to light of Belafonte's involvement in the March on Washington and in the Civil Rights Movement, and the crowds go wild. No one wants Oprah anymore, so she cries on national television--to no avail.

As Ric Flair prepares to head off Fred Thompson at the pass, Thompson has called a congressional hearing to investigate use of steroids in the WWE. Ric Flair finds himself stuck in awful traffic on Massachusetts Avenue on his way to the Capitol for the hearing. Thompson wins again.

Election Day
With Harry Belafonte and Fred Thompson neck-and-neck, there's no telling what could happen. On election night, it's too close to call, so the candidates go home for a snooze. Senior Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak announces that she will personally oversee the hanging chad counting, and Belafonte is revealed to be the winner. Conspiracy theorists suggest that with Judith Light now a judge, Novak was worried about losing yet another DA. After all, who's going to back her up when Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler, Richard Belzer and Ice-T come up with their usual cockamamie schemes.

There you have it. John Edwards, I mean Harry Belafonte, for the win. Was that so difficult?

Shades of the Terror Alert System

Back in the day, my childhood cartoons were interrupted by tests of the Emergency Broadcast System (this is only the test). I haven't seen one of those in a long time, but who needs it when we have 24-hour news networks, especially when these networks proudly bring us our Terror Colors. Call it what you will: Terror Alert, Color War, Presidential Approval Rating Meter, or Homeland Security Threat Advisory Level. What remains at the heart of this nifty graphic is the fact that the Bush Administration has created a pint-sized interpellation system meant to inspire our loyalty to the State Apparatus.

And this little system is what came to mind when I read the following GIGANTIC headline on The Washington Post homepage: "IRAN IS MAJOR THREAT TO GULF, SAYS GATES." Gates--that's Bobbo not Bill--kindly informs us that Iran might restart its nuclear weapons program AT ANY TIME. Thus, we need CONSTANT VIGILANCE! (Okay, no, he wasn't quoting Professor Mad-Eye Moody. But he could have done.)

By "MAJOR THREAT," I think he means "Islamic State." "AT ANY TIME" means Iran might have a nuke in three years were it to restart the weapons program right now. How unsurprising that this alarmist announcement comes right on the heels of the NIE report on Iran. And judging by the poll in the righthand column, I know what most of you think about that particular piece of news.

While the U.S. government is running around complaining about Iran having nukes, why aren't they worrying about.... say.... Israel? Pakistan? Or, better yet, themselves. In recent years, the United States has shown itself as criminally disingenuous. No doubt it's always been that way, but its revelation on the global stage has been nothing short of embarrassing.

Excuse me while I go renew my recently-expired British passport. I'm taking suggestions for places in the EU where I might take refuge.

Haikus for Guantanamo

What a week! The U.S. Supreme Court has been hearing arguments about the detainees at Gitmo. There are two ways that the Supreme Court could go:

1) Decide that it's up to the Pentagon to decide the fate of the prisoners--who stays there and for how long. (Sounds like a plot of the next Arundhati Roy novel, no?)

2) Label the detainees as U.S. prisoners, thereby according them the right to trial by jury.

Paging Dr. Geneva Convention? Code Blue!

I'm reminded of Michel Foucault's arguments that categories are created frequently by those in power for the express purpose of maintaining their power and hegemony. Nowhere is this more evident than in arguments over the designations "enemy combatant" and "U.S. prisoner."

Who knew there would be worse options than "U.S. prisoner"? (Okay, to be fair, "Stupid English Schoolteacher in Sudan" might just be worse than "U.S. prisoner." I don't know.) No doubt, it's better to be a "U.S. prisoner" than an "enemy combatant"--or is it?

While we're all fighting so hard to have the detainees gain "prisoner" status, aren't we losing sight of the realities of the U.S. prison system? Are the detainees-turned-prisoners really going to get "justice" or "fair trial"? Perhaps it's simply the hope and the access that U.S. prisonerhood offers over enemy combatantship that makes the first option so much more appealing. But let's not forget that the U.S. justice system has its own major shortcomings. Just ask African American men. Sad to say, Guantanamo's detainees are probably more likely to get out alive as enemy combatants than if they were tried by our hypernational, jingoistic juries. In fact, if they are designated U.S. prisoners, we might as well just take them out back and shoot them Ceauşescu style, rather than going through the farce of a trial. But, oh wait, no, we're "humane" here.

There's a recent book, Poems from Guantanamo: The Detainees Speak, filled with, predictably, poems from Guantanamo. Strangely, these poems were translated by legal translators provided by the government, and no one is able to see the actual Arabic or Pashto versions because the original languages are Threats to National Security. Oy. Your guess on the function of this book of poetry is as good as mine.

But since my original language isn't a threat to your national security, here is my three-haiku cycle for Guantanamo.

Of course I want the
detainees to have a fair
shot at freedom. Of

Course I want them to
have the opportunity
to get out of Guan--

tanamo--and quick--
ly. I'm just not convinced that's
possible any time soon.

Entertainment Extra: Chubby Chasers of the World Unite

Tonight, I found myself watching MTV's Return to Fat Camp. Now, I present you a poem that I've written in response.

Logan cried because her hair clips had lice
and then ate McDonald's BBQ sauce on her ice
cream. Dan wouldn't avoid the temptation to moan
and called his parents so much they took away his cell phone.
Sam weighed only 144 pounds
but, my, was that spare tire round.
Formerly obese Camp director, Tony Sparber,
is the world's most creepiest chubby chaser.
He might find himself immortalized forever and ever
when he's forced, as a sex offender, to register.
From what I could see (take it from me),
the kids at Fat Camp could use a little more therapy.

Bush Announces Mortgage Freeze...

Then tells the White House chef to make him one for dessert.

Who knew it would come to this? If you meet the criteria, you might be able to get a five-year interest rate freeze on your ARM. But don't get excited yet, cautions The Washington Post:

The Center for Responsible Lending, which battles predatory lending, estimated that only 145,000 homeowners would qualify for the freeze because the criteria are too narrow.

The criteria include having consistently made mortgage payments on the lower rate and living in your home. This would exclude speculators. That can't be a bad thing.

And here I thought everyone who had an interest only loan should suffer the consequences of his or her stupid loan choices. These are not the rantings of a bitter woman with a 15-year fixed rate mortgage. This for all the people who *didn't* buy property because they realized that there was no way their income would increase commensurate with the interest rates they were going to pay on their "interest only" loans.

But really, the source of this problem isn't young people who want to buy properties they can't afford. The real problem is two-fold: American materialism and greedy lenders. Let me tell you a little story.

When my parents were just starting out (and, mind you, they were doctors), they bought a Fiat and lived in hospital housing. Over time, they bought nicer cars and bigger houses. Approximately 10 years after the Fiat and the hospital housing, they moved to America. And we lived in an apartment and had an ugly-yet-loveable Toyota Cressida, which we kept for the next ten years. So even though my parents were well into their 30s and 40s at that point, they were starting over at the beginning. But did they go and get an adjustable rate mortgage to buy property they couldn't yet afford? No. And when they had saved enough money for a down payment and had built up credit here, they bought a townhouse. Did they go buy a single-family-and-help mansion? No, they bought a townhouse. And, later, a nicer car. And, later, a nicer house with a 30-year fixed rate mortgage. Could they have bitten off more than they could chew? Well, of course. Did they? No.

And therein lies the lesson that's to be learned from all of this. As professional adults with a family, my parents started over and knew what they realistically could and could not afford. Couldn't they have thought, "Well, we had a house in England. We should have a house in America right away" and taken a subprime mortgage to make that happen? Yes, but they didn't.

It's hard to live in America in the new millennium. Believe me, I feel for you. But it's okay to rent an apartment for a while until you are in the position to make a sensible investment (or until your parents, out of the generosity of their hearts, buy a condo in which you can live). If you believe otherwise, it's because you've bought into a system that is telling you that you do not have enough for the sole purpose of exploiting you and taking your money. The subprime morgage rate is the new indentured servitude, and if enough people refuse to be indentured, then these lenders will get the message.

It's okay to work your way up to that de-luxe mansion in the skyyyyyy. George and Wheezy did it, and so can you.

If They Don't Exist, It Didn't Happen

This just in: CIA destroys tapes of particularly nasty interrogations.

What surprises me more than the CIA destroying these tapes--which, let's be honest, not a surprise--is the CIA admitting that these tapes existed in the first place.

Let's explore the statements that this particular article makes, statements that hail from the loving arms of Big Brother, er the (un)intelligence community. As you can see, something's rotten in the state of Guantanamo.

Statement 1
They were made as "an internal check" on the CIA's use of harsh interrogation techniques, believed to include waterboarding, a technique that involves restraining a suspect and pouring water on him or her to produce the sensation of drowning.

Translation
George Tenet: Um, Mr. President? I found this tape. I'm a little bit concerned.
George Bush: Oh, little Georgie. Come sit on my knee and tell me your problems. If it was a tape of Mom and Pop, well, you shouldn't be too surprised. I'm sure that office of yours has seen more than its fair share of.... Well, what with J. Edgar Hoover.
George Tenet: Mr. President, that was the FBI.
George Bush: My daddy was head of the FBI?
George Tenet: No. J. Edgar Hoover was.
George Bush: J. Edgar Who? Come on over here, and I'll make all your pain go away.
George Tenet: This tape. *Sniff* It shows.... (shocked whisper) Waterboarding and---
George Bush: Well there, Georgie. I took a class by the ocean once. Waterboarding. Couldn't stay up on that board... hehe. I love trying out watersports, but Laura don't like 'em.
George Tenet: Um. Waterboarding is... torture.
George Bush: Georgie. I took an... an acting class once.
George Tenet: Mr. President, please.
George Bush: No no. Hear me out. It was the StanstedAirport.... No.... The StanfordUniversity..... No. It's a... method.
George Tenet: Stanislavski?
George Bush: Yeaaaaah, that's about right.
George Tenet: What does Stanislavski have to....?
George Bush: The tape. Use it.

Statement 2
Hayden said the agency began taping interrogations after the 2002 capture of Zubayda, whose "defiant and evasive" response to "normal questioning ... made imperative the use of other means to obtain the information."

Translation
Dick Cheney: What do you mean he won't cooperate?
George Tenet: We asked him questions....
Dick Cheney: Nicely?
George Tenet: Yes?
Dick Cheney: NEVER. NEVER. NEVER ASK THEM QUESTIONS NICELY.
George Tenet: (cowering) What should I do now?
Dick Cheney: Have you tried a cattle prod to the testicles?
George Tenet: Right away, sir. (fumbles with his zipper)
Dick Cheney: Not on yourself. On the enemy combatant.

Statement 3
President Bush disclosed the detention of Zubayda in September 2006 and said his behavior prompted the use of "an alternative set of procedures," which he said were cleared by the Department of Justice.

Translation
George Tenet: Mr. Rove? Why did you have us detain Mr..... Zubayda? There was no evidence of his....
Karl Rove: Sounds like Dubya.
George Tenet: Excuse me?
Karl Rove: Zubayda. Dubya.
George Tenet: Why, that's absurd.
Karl Rove: Don't want Mr. President... I mean... the American people... getting confused.

A Mormon Says What? ... Exactly

Today, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a page out of President John F. Kennedy's book when he issued a speech to inform the world that his Mormon faith wouldn't influence his presidency.

The Washington Post kindly reprinted the text of Romney speech, available here. Notably, Romney says:

Let me assure you that no authorities of my church, or of any other church for that matter, will ever exert influence on presidential decisions. Their authority is theirs, within the province of church affairs, and it ends where the affairs of the nation begin.

But Romney sort of missed the point. Whereas Americans were concerned that Kennedy might have been answering to the Vatican with his political decisions, few people really think Romney will become the mouthpiece for the megalomaniacal machinations of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. No, the truth is most people just think Mormons are more than a little loony. And for good reason, too.

Riddle me this, Romney. Where in Missouri is the Garden of Eden? Would that be in St. Louis or somewhere closer to, say, Kansas City? Have you really never had a cuppa joe? Do you wear your magical underwear when you and the Missus are making more spirit children? And for how many holocaust victims did you get proxy-baptized?

Seriously. Missouri?!

Just a Day on the Campaign Trail

This week is already shaping up to be a doozy for Campaign 2008 watchers.

From the "This-should-be-an-episode-of-Lil'-Bush" category, we have the Obama-Clinton Debacle. Clinton accuses Obama of being disingenuous about his presidential designs because--get this--he says running for president wasn't a long-held ambition but a kindergarten essay indicates that Obama wanted to be president even then. Wow. Is that the dirt Clinton's been holding out on Obama? The best part of all of this is the Obama spokesman's reply: "I'm sure tomorrow they'll attack him for being a flip-flopper because he told his second grade teacher he wanted to be an astronaut."

In the interest of "equal time" or whatever rule it is that means Fred Thompson won't be guesting on Law and Order: SVU any more (damn!), here's the word from Planet Crackpot. I mean, Mitt Romney. Thursday is Romney's big speech when he'll try to convince the world that he and other Mormons aren't totally loony. To the contrary, check out this MSNBC transcript in which Mitt Romney doesn't deny his belief that the Garden of Eden is in Missouri. Missouri!