If They Don't Exist, It Didn't Happen

This just in: CIA destroys tapes of particularly nasty interrogations.

What surprises me more than the CIA destroying these tapes--which, let's be honest, not a surprise--is the CIA admitting that these tapes existed in the first place.

Let's explore the statements that this particular article makes, statements that hail from the loving arms of Big Brother, er the (un)intelligence community. As you can see, something's rotten in the state of Guantanamo.

Statement 1
They were made as "an internal check" on the CIA's use of harsh interrogation techniques, believed to include waterboarding, a technique that involves restraining a suspect and pouring water on him or her to produce the sensation of drowning.

Translation
George Tenet: Um, Mr. President? I found this tape. I'm a little bit concerned.
George Bush: Oh, little Georgie. Come sit on my knee and tell me your problems. If it was a tape of Mom and Pop, well, you shouldn't be too surprised. I'm sure that office of yours has seen more than its fair share of.... Well, what with J. Edgar Hoover.
George Tenet: Mr. President, that was the FBI.
George Bush: My daddy was head of the FBI?
George Tenet: No. J. Edgar Hoover was.
George Bush: J. Edgar Who? Come on over here, and I'll make all your pain go away.
George Tenet: This tape. *Sniff* It shows.... (shocked whisper) Waterboarding and---
George Bush: Well there, Georgie. I took a class by the ocean once. Waterboarding. Couldn't stay up on that board... hehe. I love trying out watersports, but Laura don't like 'em.
George Tenet: Um. Waterboarding is... torture.
George Bush: Georgie. I took an... an acting class once.
George Tenet: Mr. President, please.
George Bush: No no. Hear me out. It was the StanstedAirport.... No.... The StanfordUniversity..... No. It's a... method.
George Tenet: Stanislavski?
George Bush: Yeaaaaah, that's about right.
George Tenet: What does Stanislavski have to....?
George Bush: The tape. Use it.

Statement 2
Hayden said the agency began taping interrogations after the 2002 capture of Zubayda, whose "defiant and evasive" response to "normal questioning ... made imperative the use of other means to obtain the information."

Translation
Dick Cheney: What do you mean he won't cooperate?
George Tenet: We asked him questions....
Dick Cheney: Nicely?
George Tenet: Yes?
Dick Cheney: NEVER. NEVER. NEVER ASK THEM QUESTIONS NICELY.
George Tenet: (cowering) What should I do now?
Dick Cheney: Have you tried a cattle prod to the testicles?
George Tenet: Right away, sir. (fumbles with his zipper)
Dick Cheney: Not on yourself. On the enemy combatant.

Statement 3
President Bush disclosed the detention of Zubayda in September 2006 and said his behavior prompted the use of "an alternative set of procedures," which he said were cleared by the Department of Justice.

Translation
George Tenet: Mr. Rove? Why did you have us detain Mr..... Zubayda? There was no evidence of his....
Karl Rove: Sounds like Dubya.
George Tenet: Excuse me?
Karl Rove: Zubayda. Dubya.
George Tenet: Why, that's absurd.
Karl Rove: Don't want Mr. President... I mean... the American people... getting confused.