"Merry XMas!"

Hi folks. I'm Salil.

This is my inaugural post. I actually had another one in the works that I'll polish up and release soon enough. But I'm home in Memphis, TN, visiting my family.

And I just wanted to share some true joy from the heart of America. I'm feeling a bit Grinch-like lately, thanks to a variety of inanity I've run across, and most of it is religious in nature. Well, 'tis the season to act holy, or at least more than thou, so I guess it's my turn!

First, a letter to the editor in my hometown rag, the Commercial Appeal. This is it, unedited, in its entirety (12/24/2007):

"Recently my grandson was cleaning his gun and accidentally shot himself. He was transported to the Regional Medical Center at Memphis. Since his condition was not critical, I waited until the next morning before I came to see him.

"Being from out of town and unfamiliar with the location, I could not find handicapped parking, but I did find a space across the street. Just entering the hospital from the parking space [sic] I was approached several times by different pandhandlers who requested money. They were rude and frightening when I refused to donate. Several police cars were patrolling the area, but none seemed to notice the situation.

"Isn't there something that can be done about this?

"Barbara Greenlee - Corinth, Mississippi."

I feel like that one is almost Zen-like in its ability to sum up everything that is wrong with the South. Clearly, someone has forgotten that Jesus is the Reason for the Season. But I really wish I could reply to her plaintive "isn't there something that can be done about this?" Such an easy retort!

"Yes, Barbara. We could take you out behind your trailer and let your grandson clean his gun again right next to you. Odds are that next time the situation will work out better for the whole planet."

This is immediately followed by a series of letters to the editor about whether the X as it's sometimes used in "XMas" is offensive or not. I cannot make this shit up. Seriously. But apparently quite a few fine upstanding Southern folk out there think that it is. Allow me to quote from another reader of this newspaper, a Mr. Dalton Cooper of Memphis, TN:

"The use of X is just another attempt by the small group of atheists to malign a belief of the vast majority of the American public: a belief in God and Christ."

An imperial presidency; an America characterized by xenophobic fear of the other that is fast losing its technological and intellectual edge in every economic sector you can shake a stick at; the environmental movement in tatters; the Constitution reduced to an inconvenient afterthought...and it's using an "X" in XMas that's offensive. Gotcha, Dalton. Glad to see you have your priorities straight.

Next up, an article in the same newspaper that my sister forwarded to me. I'll keep the commentary to a minimum. Read on, fellow teeth-gnashers.

"What happens here is funded entirely by Bellevue Baptist, a 30,000-member church in Memphis, the nation's second-largest Southern Baptist congregation. Every year, Bellevue shells out $5.5 million -- one-fourth of its $22 million annual budget -- for missionary work around the world. At any given time, Bellevue is supporting missionaries in more than two dozen countries, and annually sends its Memphis congregants on international mission trips to Central America, South America, Eastern Europe, the Middle East and Asia.

"India is particularly important for the congregation. The country is at the center of what Bellevue and other evangelical churches refer to as the '10/40 window' -- the area 10degrees to 40degrees north of the equator, from North Africa to Japan, where 95percent of the people are 'unevangelized' and where only 8percent of evangelical missionary dollars are spent.

"It's really called 'The Last Frontier,' says Steve Marcum, Bellevue's minister of missions."

The comments on this one are particularly finely wrought. You've got the most xenophobic racist evangelicals proclaiming their superiority over the heathens and their God-given obligation to bring their beautiful faith to the barbarians, since they just don't know any better. You've also got angry uncles proclaiming that India is really pretty swell, and you've got the BJP taking political advantage of the whole thing, too. It's like a perfect holiday three-ring circus, except the clowns are waaaay too scary for kids.

Okay, I think I'll end with that for now.

So when you're praying to whoever it is you pray to about the things you think are important, try and remember that there is no God, and even if there were, he's not listening to you, because you're retarded. Then visit the Betty Bowers website, and enjoy what the holidays are really for: getting away from your idiotic coworkers, and getting drunk in a bar after spending too much time with your family.