We Cut Out the Middleman

Much hullabaloo this weekend as Oprah Winfrey appeared in Iowa to campaign for Lil' Barack Obama. (NB: Do check out the LA Times link because you can vote on "Best Celebrity Endorsement," and Fred Thompson is his own celebrity endorsement. Who said America isn't wonderful?)

I have a proposal: Forget about Obama and just elect Oprah. Come on, you know you want to.

Oprah has a suitable (Bill) Clinton-esque narrative of progress sure to please even the most diehard meritocrats around. Coming from a struggling and troubled childhood, Oprah works hard and reinvents herself as, perhaps, the most successful American businesswoman ever. Gee, isn't this country great?! See, you just have to work hard like Oprah, and you'll be completely fine. And if you didn't do as well as Oprah, well, you just didn't try hard enough. This is the message I want to send the children of America. Don't you? For shame!

While I'm sure that celebrity endorsements for presidential campaigns are nothing new, I can't help but wonder if the Oprah-hoopla confirms my suspicion that the 2008 hopefuls are, mostly, a bunch of divas. And that's why we should just forget the candidates altogether and vote for the celebrities.

It would go a little something like this....

The Death Match

Lil' Dems
Harry Belafonte (John Edwards)
Oprah Winfrey (Barack Obama)
Barbara Streisand (Hillary Clinton)
Sean Penn (Dennis Kucinich)

Lil' Republicans
Ric Flair (Mike Huckabee)
The Cast of Big Love (Mitt Romney)
Steve Forbes (Rudy Giuliani)
Fred Thompson (Fred Thompson)

The Action

Early Primaries
In the first round, Belafonte sings the "Banana Boat Song," while Streisand reprises her numbers from Yentl. The American Idol judges declare Belafonte the winner, fair and square.

Wrestler Ric Flair takes on Steve Forbes and, let's face it, that match is over in approximately 30 seconds.

Oprah and Sean Penn go head to head, but Oprah hops on her diamond-encrusted pony rocket and leaves Sean Penn in the dust. Serves him right for the heavy-handed metaphors in his 9/11 short film.

Finally, it's the cast of Big Love vs. Fred Thompson. With all the prayerful action that Bill, Barb, Nicky, Margene and the kids could offer--and the evil doings of Roman, Albee, and everyone on the compound--it appears that Fred Thompson might meet his match. But no--the law is on Fred Thompson's side, law and order to be more specific. So, while the cast of Big Love is meeting to plan their attack, Fred Thompson has called the state police, the FBI, and the ATF. Before the cast can act, their houses and the compound are swarmed, and a Waco-style shootout/fiery death occurs.

The Conventions
Oprah thinks she has the nomination cinched, with only Harry Belafonte to throw down. But wait, Oprah didn't bother to come up with a platform. She was running on her role as Oprah (sounds like her endorsee, no?). News comes to light of Belafonte's involvement in the March on Washington and in the Civil Rights Movement, and the crowds go wild. No one wants Oprah anymore, so she cries on national television--to no avail.

As Ric Flair prepares to head off Fred Thompson at the pass, Thompson has called a congressional hearing to investigate use of steroids in the WWE. Ric Flair finds himself stuck in awful traffic on Massachusetts Avenue on his way to the Capitol for the hearing. Thompson wins again.

Election Day
With Harry Belafonte and Fred Thompson neck-and-neck, there's no telling what could happen. On election night, it's too close to call, so the candidates go home for a snooze. Senior Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak announces that she will personally oversee the hanging chad counting, and Belafonte is revealed to be the winner. Conspiracy theorists suggest that with Judith Light now a judge, Novak was worried about losing yet another DA. After all, who's going to back her up when Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler, Richard Belzer and Ice-T come up with their usual cockamamie schemes.

There you have it. John Edwards, I mean Harry Belafonte, for the win. Was that so difficult?