South Carolina Republican Primary Christian Voting Guide

Hello evil bastards. The Most Reverend Gromit, voted most LORDish Minister 3 years running in Jesus magazine, here with an important message.

If thou votest in tomorrow's South Carolina Republican primary, most likely you are not reading this, because you cannot read. But let's say you have "kinfolk" living in the backwater the Klan never forgot. Read this post to them as if they were blind, retarded children. For in the LORD's eyes, we all are blind and retarded.

Voters: as you ridest in the family wheelbarrow to the polls tomorrow, you may be distracted by how attractive your cousin is. Or you may wrestleth with Grandpa for another swig of corn liquor, or for a taste of Grandpa's meds. Do not let Satan lead you astray from your sacred duty to vote for someone who loves to kill the brown peoples of the world: a Republican! Before thou stumblest into the voting booth, there are things that the LORD needs you to know about the candidates.

And Lo! Didst the LORD spakest upon high to the Reverend Gromit. HE didst say that not only did I have fantastic wingtips, but also shared a little "holy nugget" about each candidate. I tried to scan the stone tablets he didst hand unto me, but alack, scanners are made of glass. Satan's glass.

So now, with much further ado, is Jesus's Christian voter's guide.

Rudolph Giuliani: Canst I not buy a vowel sir? There may not be an "i" in team, but there are 15 in Giuliani. This is a sure sign that Giuliani is a dirty Papist, and he may even be...Italian. He also sneaks into the homes of good Christian women and aborts their babies whilst they sleepest.

Mike "Jesus Jr." Huckabee: On the confederate flag: "In fact, if someone came to the state of Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell them where to put the pole - that's what we'd do." Amen. You know a man is a good Christian when he is imagining thousands of people being anally penetrated.

Duncan Hunter: Even the LORD doesn't know who this guy is.

John McCain: How many illegitimate Black children dost John McCain have tucked away around the country? 587. That's the kind of info that only the LORD and Dick Cheney are privy to.

Ron Paul: Public masturbator.

Mitt Romney: While Mitt believes in several unnecessary extra Bibles, he also believes in polygamy. Which the LORD is all about. This is how the LORD explaineth it to me: "If I wanted men to have only one wife, I wouldn't have made Thai prostitutes so ME-damn hott." Yes, the LORD spell hot in mysterious ways.


Fred Thompson: Hast thou ever looked upon Fred Thompson and thinkest that his skin is starting to fall off of his head? This is because Fred Thompson died last year and taxidermists have been frantically trying to keep him looking alive. It hast not been working.

So tomorrow, when you push that Diebold voting machine touch screen, remember: Huckabee is Holy, but Romney is Rocking the Poligamy thing. So Romney it is. Amen, and praise be to Gromit.