Na na na na.... Na na na na... Hey Hey Hey... Goodbye

Elliott Stabler, Olivia Benson, Richard Belzer, Ice-T, and Assistant D.A. Casey Novak are getting their D.A. back!

Fred Thompson drops out of the race.

More Interest Rate Cuts, Stocks Drop

Read this article. I challenge you to prove to me that we're not already in recession.

Huckster Challenge: Raze the South

I challenge any reader* to the complete the following three steps:

1. Watch this video.

2. Repeat these sentences 10 times: The man admitted to the act of frying a squirrel in a popcorn popper. And eating it.

3. Vote that man into the White House proudly admit to it for four years.

I never thought I'd ever admit to this, but....Hilary Clinton is looking good right now.

Side Note: Does Mike's mode of cooking make anyone, like it does me, wonder, how said squirrel was actually caught?


*(Only valid for readers born/raised outside the area commonly referred to as Dixie and do not believe that Adam and Eve rode dinoback through the Garden, that Jefferson Davis was the first president, and/or that Jesus was a virgin.

H-Bomb Representin'

And the Fishmonger shall don the robes of Cain.
Esther 121:2

Recession Roundup: Stupid Economic Simulus

Word out on the street is that Bush is pushing a $145 billion economic stimulus package designed to prevent us from entering a recession. (N.B. Can we stop pretending we're not in a recession already?)

This package includes up to $800 in tax relief for income tax payers, which will be accomplished without repealing Bush's tax cuts for the rich.

Explain me this: Given our current deficit, how is this a good plan? I will remind you that the US National Debt clock currently reads:

.

But where will this money come from? Will we just tack it onto our deficit? We're certainly not getting it from the wealthy--those very people who have benefited from Bush's presidency and who, in truth, bear partial responsibility for the state of the economy at the moment. Had they said, "You know? We should do our part and be taxed fairly," I don't think we'd be in as dire a situation as we are right now. (Given Bush's stupidity, no doubt we'd still be SOL but not to the tune of nearly $9.2 trillion.)

And what about the people who don't pay income tax? There's something like 50 million Americans who don't pay income tax because they do not make enough money to have to pay! They could certainly use $800 more than I could. In fact, mark my words, if I receive an $800 check from the U.S. Treasury, I will find a family who doesn't pay income tax, and I will GIVE them my check. I mean it. I know it's not going to solve the world's problems, but I'll do it for the principle. Don't these people deserve some relief, seeing as they're the people with the *real* problems: the ones who can't afford to put a tank of gas in their cars (if they even own one), the ones who can't afford the rising cost of food staples, the ones who don't have job security because they work in construction and will be the first to be laid off, the ones who have to choose between buying their children a winter coat and paying for the gas bills that heat their homes. Why should a family of four making between $25K and $40K not receive tax relief while I would?

If you have a chance to call up your Senators or Representatives about this, please do. Tell them that you support a stimulus package that looks after non-income-tax-paying individuals. These are the people being hit hardest by the recession that we are currently in. These are the individuals who have the most to lose when money is cut from social programs to pay for my $800. And if you are fortunate enough to receive a relief check, give it to someone who really needs it. While stimulating the economy, you will also be helping out someone who really needs it. Because, face it, you probably don't.

South Carolina Republican Primary Christian Voting Guide

Hello evil bastards. The Most Reverend Gromit, voted most LORDish Minister 3 years running in Jesus magazine, here with an important message.

If thou votest in tomorrow's South Carolina Republican primary, most likely you are not reading this, because you cannot read. But let's say you have "kinfolk" living in the backwater the Klan never forgot. Read this post to them as if they were blind, retarded children. For in the LORD's eyes, we all are blind and retarded.

Voters: as you ridest in the family wheelbarrow to the polls tomorrow, you may be distracted by how attractive your cousin is. Or you may wrestleth with Grandpa for another swig of corn liquor, or for a taste of Grandpa's meds. Do not let Satan lead you astray from your sacred duty to vote for someone who loves to kill the brown peoples of the world: a Republican! Before thou stumblest into the voting booth, there are things that the LORD needs you to know about the candidates.

And Lo! Didst the LORD spakest upon high to the Reverend Gromit. HE didst say that not only did I have fantastic wingtips, but also shared a little "holy nugget" about each candidate. I tried to scan the stone tablets he didst hand unto me, but alack, scanners are made of glass. Satan's glass.

So now, with much further ado, is Jesus's Christian voter's guide.

Rudolph Giuliani: Canst I not buy a vowel sir? There may not be an "i" in team, but there are 15 in Giuliani. This is a sure sign that Giuliani is a dirty Papist, and he may even be...Italian. He also sneaks into the homes of good Christian women and aborts their babies whilst they sleepest.

Mike "Jesus Jr." Huckabee: On the confederate flag: "In fact, if someone came to the state of Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell them where to put the pole - that's what we'd do." Amen. You know a man is a good Christian when he is imagining thousands of people being anally penetrated.

Duncan Hunter: Even the LORD doesn't know who this guy is.

John McCain: How many illegitimate Black children dost John McCain have tucked away around the country? 587. That's the kind of info that only the LORD and Dick Cheney are privy to.

Ron Paul: Public masturbator.

Mitt Romney: While Mitt believes in several unnecessary extra Bibles, he also believes in polygamy. Which the LORD is all about. This is how the LORD explaineth it to me: "If I wanted men to have only one wife, I wouldn't have made Thai prostitutes so ME-damn hott." Yes, the LORD spell hot in mysterious ways.


Fred Thompson: Hast thou ever looked upon Fred Thompson and thinkest that his skin is starting to fall off of his head? This is because Fred Thompson died last year and taxidermists have been frantically trying to keep him looking alive. It hast not been working.

So tomorrow, when you push that Diebold voting machine touch screen, remember: Huckabee is Holy, but Romney is Rocking the Poligamy thing. So Romney it is. Amen, and praise be to Gromit.

Lou-ser

Best reason rationalizing Lou's run for the White House:

"Lou Dobbs does not want to run for President and does not consider himself a politician. Sometimes, history demands that good people do what someone must do!"

Some campaign predictions and promises of a Dobbs Presidency: He runs on the platform to outlaw anything with a Mexican word in its name/title. Taco Bell included. Chihuahuas will be exterminated. He only campaigns at Borders bookstores. Tom Tancredo is his obvious choice for vice-president. (Funny thing about Tancredo - his name is the synthesis of two spanish words tan and credo. My rudimentary knowledge suggests that his last name means Like a creed or such as a creed. His stance on immigrations proves that Tommy lives up to his name). Lastly, New Mexico will be forced to declare a new name or face the fact that Lou's iron fist will be hovering over the red telephone. There's already been one nuclear explosion on your turf New Mexico...

Johnny Edwards Just Wants Some Love

Let's give it to him!

Hugo, No Not Victor

Have you heard the news? Hugo Chavez is dating Naomi Campbell. I believe it. When she went to Venezuela to interview him for GQ, he entreated her to touch his muscles. Apparently, she liked what she felt.

This news just confirms my knowledge about the awesome power of Hugo Chavez.

Why I Love Hugo:

-Any friend of Fidel's is a friend of mine
-Fidel gave Hugo the sword of Simon Bolivar, passing the torch la revolución (Yes, that's the sword to the left. Please refrain from comment.)
-Survived an attempted coup by the CIA
-Called Dubya the devil and swore he could still smell the sulfur
-Thinks Noam Chomsky's Hegemony or Survival should be required reading for all world leaders
-Is not afraid to challenge America

Why do you love Hugo?

Desperate Times

And didst the Sodomites dine upon the Scrod of unhappiness.
Psalm 293

Now dost the Democrats prepare to trot out the most unelectable Lesbian in modern history. At the DNC they laugh and say, "Where's your Jesus now, Reverend Gromit?" I urgeth you to protect thine families.

Vile Sinners, riddle me this:

Let's say you have a teenage daughter. Let's call her Jesusette. Now you are paying out thousands for Jesusette to attend a private girls High School. Now one day, Jesusette comes home with a mean looking field hockey goalie named Hilda and your little angel announces that she is a Sodomite. And LORD smite it, they holdest hands.

How many nights have you been on your knees, entreating the Almighty for grandchildren? How many child beauty pageants did you enter little Jesusette in so she could discover the joy of girdles and stiletto heels? And how many Sundays did you bring Daddy's little girl to hear the Reverend Gromit talk about the "abstinence explosion" of the LORD? Not enough apparently, but it is not too late. But time is of the essence.

For the Devil hath granted the evil Lesbian unnatural knowledge of the lady parts. When a good, G-d fearing straight man gets into the marriage bed he says, "Woman! Line 'em up so I can knock 'em down." And it is good.

If thy wife says unto him, "Why dost thou not put thy mouth to my nether regions?" He dost what the LORD would dost. He screameth "HEATHEN!" and smackest her with the Old Testament. But the Lesbian doth not do such. She doth useth the mouth of the Sodomite to draw the devil from thy pure daughter's nether regions.

Recently, Africa hath been making advances in "Lesbian Control". Some of their methods are extreme, but effective. My personal favorite: stitch that thang up. Stitch it and give thy son-in-law the sacred golden scissors right after the Father-Daughter Wedding Dance (which is not at all weird, praise Allah!) Then Jesusette will be right with the LORD once again, and Hilda will be Shitteth Out of Lucketh. (Numbers 39:93)