Huckabee and Romney v. Satan

For the people will slay the golden yak of freedom, and bask in the warming light of security.
3 Corinthians 65:9

Hello Sinners, I am His Holiness the Most Reverend Gromit. I have been sent by the LORD to rid this blog of Satanic Leftists. I will cleanse all of the internets of this filth in the name of God's chosen prophet, "W".

Praise be to Gromit.

Last summer when Mike "Chugmaster" Huckabee, Mitt "Baseball Glove" Romney and I were scuba-diving in the Caymans, we shared many things. We shared bible verses, oversized cans of Japanese beer and we even shared a case of the clap we got from the same frightened street urchin.

But the most important thing we shared was their plans for America. And of course they shared confidential NSA data about Barack Saddam bin Laden al Qaeda...oops! Slip of the keyboard. I mean, of course, Senator Osama. I'll catapult the propaganda in a way that every great American with a GED can understand. The candidate's plans:

Defense of Marriage

Huckabee: Marriage is between one man and one woman (Just as Mary was married to Joseph...and God...bad example.)

Romney: Marriage is between one man and as many Thai girls as can fit in a FedEx pak. (Amen!)

Obama: Marriage is between one black man and your wife.

Immigration Reform

Huckabee: If they run, shoot 'em with a gun. If they put up their hands, also shoot 'em.

Romney: A sponsor of "The Moat": a mile-wide canal between the US of A and Mexico filled with dragons. (Not sure about where the dragons will come from but I like it.)

Obama: Rename the USA "Los Enchiladas Grandes."

The War with Iran

Huckabee: Bomb 'em.

Romney: Nuke 'em.

Obama: Not so fast--I have a summer house there!

Health Care

Huckabee: The only Health Care we need is the healing power of prayer. (Praise Jesus for Dr. Steinberg!)

Romney: The poor will be free to sell their organs on eBay. (Buy it now!)

Obama: Every town will be assigned a retired Soviet doctor and all private doctors will be reassigned to Guam.

So on Tuesday in New Hampshire, you know what to do: steal the election. Praise be to Gromit, Amen.

NORAD and Santa

So I'm watching Monday Night Football. And amid the traditional holiday crap (group shots of the MNF crew, Xmas bumper muzak, etc.) Mike Tirico sincerely announces that NORAD (whose primary function is to track incoming nukes) is "tracking Santa." Then I talked with Rani on the phone and she also had heard the NORAD tracking Santa announcement on another station. This is hardly surprising, TV and NORAD have been doing this since I was a kid (the Reagan years, of course.) But before tonight I never realized how emblematic of the sickness of American culture this is. It's like a 7-layer burrito of dysfunction.

Now call me Scrooge (a good tale of populism, btw), but I decided this year that if I were to have kids someday (due to some birth control malfunction no doubt) I wouldn't feed them the old Santa Claus bullshit. If I'm going to buy my kids the latest gaming system, I don't want them thanking an imaginary pedophile.

Instead of:"Be good kids, Santa can see you and then no toys."
It'll be: "Beer me, Junior, or I'm selling your PS9 on eBay."
Much Better.

Besides, when the polar ice caps melt, then what?

"Santa's gonna drown dad!"
"It's because you forgot to say your prayers, kids."

But in the meantime, as a single American who has yet to father any future National Guardsmen for World War V, I have to listen to TV tell me that NORAD is tracking Santa Claus every fucking year. Thoughts that come to mind:

1. I live in DC. How can Santa deliver toys to DC without violating the White House Airspace? Will there be another crater in Pennsylvania? The hero elves of Santa Sleigh 93 attacked and killed the bearded terrorist Santa Al Clauz. They beat him to death with Bratz dolls.

2. Why do we have to be reminded of impending Nuclear Annihilation every Xmas Eve?

3.Wouldn't this be the perfect time for North Korea to squeeze off an ICBM at us over the North Pole?

What kid knows what NORAD is anyway? Is this when every kid turns around to his 50s pipe-smoking dad and asks, "Hey dad, what the hell is NORAD, and why is it tracking Santa Claus?" That's when most of American dads say, "Shut up, I'm trying to watch the game." But those who actually know the answer to the question will probably be inspired in a Jingoistic Xmas frenzy to say, "Those are the good people who live in a mountain with all the keys to the Nukes. If two guys both turn some keys, we all die. Then we get to see Grandpa."

Thank you Military Industrial Complex for somehow creeping onto EVERY LIVE BROADCAST ON CHRISTMAS EVE to talk about the extinction of the human race. And if you're a poor kid, you wake up the next morning to some "Toys for Tots" Marines handing you a GI Joe action figure. Jesus would be psyched!

Good thing NORAD sounds about as believable to a kid as Santa Claus does. Kid:"Let me get this straight--there's some guys who live under a mountain who spend their time tracking a fictional character. Sounds like a Dungeons 'n' Dragons club."

Now THAT sounds scary.