Rani picked the Repubs!

CNN projected McCain as the winner, with Romney in second, and Huckabee in third.

Edwards has been projected to come in third, with a tight race between Clinton and Obama. Clinton appears to be leading. Snarff has declared his intentions to commit seppuku.

Rani's NH Predictions

Any guesses on what might happen tonight?

For the Repubs, I'm predicting: McCain, Romney, Huckabee. Buoyed by their NH stats, all three will stay in the race.

For the Dems, I'll say: Obama, Edwards, Clinton. All three will stay in as well.

Huckabee and Romney v. Satan

For the people will slay the golden yak of freedom, and bask in the warming light of security.
3 Corinthians 65:9

Hello Sinners, I am His Holiness the Most Reverend Gromit. I have been sent by the LORD to rid this blog of Satanic Leftists. I will cleanse all of the internets of this filth in the name of God's chosen prophet, "W".

Praise be to Gromit.

Last summer when Mike "Chugmaster" Huckabee, Mitt "Baseball Glove" Romney and I were scuba-diving in the Caymans, we shared many things. We shared bible verses, oversized cans of Japanese beer and we even shared a case of the clap we got from the same frightened street urchin.

But the most important thing we shared was their plans for America. And of course they shared confidential NSA data about Barack Saddam bin Laden al Qaeda...oops! Slip of the keyboard. I mean, of course, Senator Osama. I'll catapult the propaganda in a way that every great American with a GED can understand. The candidate's plans:

Defense of Marriage

Huckabee: Marriage is between one man and one woman (Just as Mary was married to Joseph...and God...bad example.)

Romney: Marriage is between one man and as many Thai girls as can fit in a FedEx pak. (Amen!)

Obama: Marriage is between one black man and your wife.

Immigration Reform

Huckabee: If they run, shoot 'em with a gun. If they put up their hands, also shoot 'em.

Romney: A sponsor of "The Moat": a mile-wide canal between the US of A and Mexico filled with dragons. (Not sure about where the dragons will come from but I like it.)

Obama: Rename the USA "Los Enchiladas Grandes."

The War with Iran

Huckabee: Bomb 'em.

Romney: Nuke 'em.

Obama: Not so fast--I have a summer house there!

Health Care

Huckabee: The only Health Care we need is the healing power of prayer. (Praise Jesus for Dr. Steinberg!)

Romney: The poor will be free to sell their organs on eBay. (Buy it now!)

Obama: Every town will be assigned a retired Soviet doctor and all private doctors will be reassigned to Guam.

So on Tuesday in New Hampshire, you know what to do: steal the election. Praise be to Gromit, Amen.

I ask again, "How does President Huckabee" sound?

CNN is now projecting Obama as Iowa Caucus winner.

Let me make it clear that if Obama wins the nomination, I will campaign for and vote for Obama. In fact, it does make me proud to know that we've finally gotten to the point where a black man can win the Iowa Caucus.

In the meantime, however, I'd really prefer that we come up with a nominee who could win a general election. The words "viable" and "electable" are coming up in regards to the Democratic nomination. What I'm not hearing, however, is "viable" and "electable" in a general election.

I firmly believe that the best way for Democrats to have a president is to find a Southerner who can pick up all those votes that are now going to go to Huckabee. Are all those Southern Baptists going to say, "Oooh, let's check out that Obama guy?" Doubtful. In fact, they'll probably start regretting that pesky 13th Amendment. Is there a small chance they might give John Edwards a second glance? Yes, I think so. After all, he isn't a Yankee.

If Obama gets the nomination, we're in for a few more Obama/Osama slips and sooner than you can blink, President Huckabee will be marching us back to Nazi Germany c. 1936 (thanks, Snarff).

How does President Huckabee sound?

I don't like it either.

Make it stop. Go vote for Edwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 8:59 EST.

Only three minutes ago, CNN projected Huckabee as the winner with only 15% reporting. I guess they're pretty certain, but it's so early.

EDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDS

We *can't* have eight more years of this crap.

The Truth About the Election

You probably realize that I don't pull many punches. In that vein, I'm going to share something that I think of as each new election draws near. While some of us might be doing frantic calculations to determine who will be the next president, it all comes down to one thing: the BBQ factor.

When Americans go to the polls to pick a president, they're not thinking about taxes, foreign policy, or kindergarten transcripts. They're thinking, "Now which of these candidates would I want at my BBQ." Ideally, the president will arrive clad in a plaid shirt, grab a Pabst Blue Ribbon from the cooler, and sidle up to the grill to flip some meat with his buddies.

Now, do Americans really want Hillary at their BBQ? Just imagine--she'd show up, demand shiraz, and wrestle control from the host. Before you know it, she's thrown out the beef and pork in favor of more healthy chicken and fish. No condiments allowed either.

Will Obama be invited to the BBQ? Only for some post-BBQ lynching.

Giuliani? I'm not sure America will take too kindly to someone trying to work his Italian sausage into things.

Romney? Can you trust a man who won't drink a beer?

What it comes down to here is Huckabee and Edwards. Both electable. Both suitable for BBQ invites.

I'll take Edwards. After we grill our plethora of meats and ride around in the fluffy clouds and dazzling rainbows on our unicorns, we'll be handing out leftover meat to the poor.

Fool Me Twice: The Hillary Clinton Nightmare 3--The Final Chapter--President Huckabee

Or Giuliani...doesn't matter. Hillary Clinton in unelectable. A vote for Hillary is a vote for Huckabee and here's why:

According to a recent Zogby poll, Edwards and Obama beat (or in one case tie) every Republican candidate. Senator Hillary on the other hand would lose to EVERY MAJOR REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE including--brace yourself--Fred Thompson! This is with the least popular Republican administration in the history of time occupying the White House. This is with Hillary barely starting her "charming" angry paranoid meltdowns.



There's more: despite Hillary's effort to mimic Republican positions on everything save Abortion, Hillary is unbelievably hated amongst Republican voters. According to a USA Today poll, 84% of Republicans say they would never vote for her. The numbers for Obama and Edwards are in the 60% range.

And then there are the other "negatives." People that just can't stand Ms. Abrasive. 45% of all Americans would never vote for her. Compare this to Edwards' 31% and Obama's 30%. Men are especially high with a full 50% against Hillary no matter what.



Why do any Democrats support Hillary anyway? Some fondly remember the '92 Clinton victory but forget the Ross Perot 3rd-party good fortune that got him there with only 43% of the vote. Bill Clinton never had Hillary-like Negatives, and always had charm and an ability to connect with Americans that Hillary can't even approach.



Another reason she garners Dem support is what I like to call the "Dukakis Factor." Simply put, the Dukakis Factor is the Democratic Party's ability to pick the least electable candidates (president and vice president) possible for reasons that still baffle me. I think it starts in 1968 with Hubert Humphrey, then McGovern, with a break for Carter (who's 1980 victory was stolen by Reagan's "October Surprise.) Next Mondale and Ferraro, Dukakis, then Clinton another exception, followed by Gore (He wasn't very warm back then [maybe it's global warming] and let's not forget how many in the Democratic base still feel about Tipper's censorship crusade) and ol' Bloodthirsty Joe Lieberman. This ticket DID WIN of course but kept what should have been a landslide close enough to steal. Kerry ALSO WON, but was once again devoid of charisma and a landslide slid into another stolen election. Republicans like to win more than anything. Whereas Democrats, with a platform that benefits 95% of Americans, somehow figure out a way to lose.

While whatever fascist Repub plays to his base, Hillary plays to the Republican base that can't stand her. So vote for another Democrat, any Democrat. Or maybe just cast a vote in the Republican primary.

Hil is scared... And she should be...

Since I'm currently ill and confined to the bed, I'm mercy to my television. I think it's trying to tell me something. I was happily watching the Food Network and then it magically switched over to MSNBC. Guess I'm supposed to make a post.

We at American Other all take individual responsibility for our own presidential favorites. It's no secret that I'd like John Edwards to give me better health insurance, tuck me in and read me bedtime stories. Iowans, in the title of Spike Lee, Do the Right Thing.

(Chuck Norris is predicting a landslide for Huckabee, by the way. Life gets even more farcical than inside my head.)

ABC News is reporting, however, that the Clinton team is prepping for a massive spin campaign for when she does not capture the Iowans hearts. The article notes that there are plans to "declare success" even if Hil finishes in third place.

No!!!!!!!!

We've had eight years of declaring success when there's failure. Mission accomplished when mission ain't accomplished. Doublespeak and doublethink and the Thought Police. The last thing I want to see is a serious presidential candidate preparing to "declare success" for no reason.

Godspeed tomorrow, Iowans.

Iowa Cometh

Rani now has a sinus infection and is reportedly sleeping with a "lavendar warming sheep" on her head so I'll weigh in briefly: Iowa. Caucuses. These caucuses are going to give the go-nowhere candidates a chance to quit without looking like quitters. And it's going to pick a frontrunner with actual delegates instead of just polls and cash. I'm going to rank the field as to my prefered candidates from both parties (in one handy list!)

1. John Edwards: Every time I think about crappy health care, huge co-pays and prescriptions draining my bank account I think about JE (not to be confused with JC although don't forget Jesus liked the poor and healing people too). Yes we have a chance for a good solid Progressive and maybe we can make some *gasp* progress!


2. Dennis Kucinich: Just saw Star Wars III again on Skinimax. Kucinich IS Yoda. Pointy ears. Wise words. Sees a lot of spaceships. Short. Handy with a light saber. Friendly with Large, hairy women (we all know what's behind Yoda's "good relations" with the Wookies. He's a freak!)

3. Chris Dodd: He's a bit of a speed-talker which is a problem because Americans can be slow-understanders. A cool stand on the senate floor, he speaks fluent Spanish...not a bad guy.




4. Barack Obama: Oprah likes him. He also does have a lot in common with JFK. He's charismatic, inexperienced, risky electorally and either he doesn't have a lot of policy ideas or is playing everything close to the vest (I believe the second, frankly.) Unlike JFK he doesn't have a quip for every occasion and also he tends to use big words most Americans don't understand. But wouldn't that be a relief after W?

5. Mike Gravel: "Imagine you had a chance in hell..."

6. Bill Richardson: Folksy only goes so far.

7. Joe Biden: Annoying life-long political insider.

8. Ron Paul: No NAFTA, no war--great; guns--fine (after the Bush administration I'm kind of glad the country is well-armed and hard to take over)...the rest not so much

9. Hillary Rodham Clinton: A wolf in sheep's clothing on war, trade and corporate welfare but we could use some progressive judges

10. John McCain: At least he's anti-torture (sort-of)



11. Alan Keyes: Easy to put him here because he has no shot. And he was in Borat!

12. Fred Thompson: This dude is comatose.

13. Duncan Hunter: Who?

14. Mitt Romney: Awful candidate and he "saw the Patriots win the World Series." Not even the Patriots are THAT good.

15. Rudy Giuliani: Slimy criminal taking shit from 9/11 firefighters. Wish I believed in Hell.

16. Mike Huckabee: "When fascism comes to this country, it will be wrapped in the flag, carrying a cross." That's what Bush was wrapped in. This guy is a dangerous fundamentalist and is looking to become the Ayatollah of America. God help us all.

The Readers Have Spoken

In our last poll, we asked, "Which is the biggest lie."

Your choices: Mike Huckabee is right about Creationism, Hillary really bakes cookies, Dennis Kucinich saw a UFO, Bush just got the Iran report last week.

Which is the biggest lie?

Bush just got the Iran report last week took a narrow win over Hillary's culinary skills.

No one voted for Kucinich's UFO encounter, which either suggests that we believe Kucinich or he sounds positively earnest compared to the rest of these characters.

Now, we bring you a new poll. Speak your mind. Be not afraid.

All the News...

Baseketball: Here I am, mildly hamstrung by an aching wrist--but after the Mitchell Report, my doctor refuses to do anything about it. How the not-so-mighty have fallen. Don't you remember when George Mitchell was doing IRA/Northern Ireland peace talks? I once had a classmate who claimed George Mitchell was her father. He wasn't. I should have realized this, since "Mitchell" wasn't her surname, but I was trying not to be judgmental. Bad idea.

Halliburton Land: I still haven't seen much coverage of the Halliburton rape case. Yes, there are now 730 Google News hits, but I haven't really seen it in any of the major locales. (No, The Kansas Record isn't what I have in mind). Get it together, major news media outlets! Hillary Clinton, I saw at one point, has called for a probe into the case. Good one Hillary. You were probably guarding the shipping crate and withholding the cell phone.

Primary School: Straight outta Des Moines, Mike Huckabee tells Elizabeth Edwards that Des Moines Register debates are dull ("It's boring") and everyone with half a brain cell declares John Edwards the winner of the debate. And how could you not? He has got all the charm of Jimmy Carter minus the October Surprise. He won't get down and dirty in various Obama-Clinton debacles. While they are playing playground politics, Edwards is busy saving puppies and helping old ladies cross the street.

The Cold Truth: I'm just going to say it. Don't go to the primaries electing people on whim or novelty. There's too much "Ooooh! A woman!" and "Oooooh! An African American!" going on. Look at the big picture. Think about who might win a general election. Think about all those people who aren't like you, who think electing anyone other than a white Christian man goes against God's (and Chuck Norris') law. Come time for the national election, when they're hesitating between Mitt "I Wear Magical Undies" Romney and Hillary Clinton, who are they going to pick? When they are forced to choose between Mike "I Love Chuck" Huckabee and Barack Obama, what are they going to do?

Quite frankly, I'm fed up with the Lil' Dems a lot of the time, but they're infinitely preferable to the Lil' Repubs. Let's think about our latest Lil' Dem Presidents: Lil' Bill, Lil' Jimmy Carter, Lil' Lyndon Johnson. White. Southern. Men. Lil' John Edwards. White. Southern. Man.

If we hadn't just endured eight years from hell, courtesy of Dubya, I'd probably be voting for Lil' Barack. But it's been bad, kids. Really bad. In my hunt for an electable candidate, I stumbled over Lil' John Edwards, and I realized that he's more of what I was looking for anyway.

And the man drives a gold Dodge Caravan. I know this because Snarff and I were at an event once and, when we left, wound up on Massachusetts Avenue behind Lil' John Edwards. I began to wave crazily out the car window, and he waved back.

Special Buddies Alert: Huck and Chuck

Muchas gracias to a colleague of mine for a tip on this particular gem. She also noted, "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer--if only he cried."



I suppose I have little patience for politicians who try to get too hip with their ads (see: Hillary Clinton's Sopranos spoof). Inevitably, these politicians end up proving that they are tragically un-hip.

I came away from this ad thinking more about Chuck Norris than about Mike Huckabee. In fact, I'm ready to vote Norris 2008. Why? Consider Huckabee's assertions in the ad:

My plan to secure the border? Two words: Chuck Norris.
There's no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up. He's pushing the ground down.
Chuck Norris doesn't endorse. He tells America how it's gonna be.

I'm a little scared. I want to move back up north where no one takes Chuck Norris seriously.

Mothers, Lock Up Your Gay Sons!

Recent reports indicate that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is standing by a 15-year-old statement in which he favored "isolating" individuals with HIV. Said Huckabee:

We need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague.... It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents.

Huckabee also suggested that we were all being a tad bit too PC back in the '90s.

While I can't dispute that the '90s were an uber PC time that I'm glad to see gone, not locking up AIDS patients isn't a matter of being politically correct. Huckabee invokes quarantining of days past to claim a precedent, but what he fails to realize (then and now) is that there's a big difference between, say, the Bubonic Plague and AIDS. Or TB and AIDS. Or Bird Flu and AIDS.

The likelihood that any of us are going to accidentally contract HIV by getting on the subway with an AIDS patient is incredibly slim. Or, at the very least, you'd have to be trying pretty hard. But if I were on the Metro with a Bubonic Plague victim, someone with consumption, or a convalescing chicken, I would probably get the disease. That is to say, before we run around deciding to lock people up, how about checking about whether or not a disease could be transmitted through casual contact.

I've watched enough Mr. Belvedere to have seen the episode where Wesley's little friend has AIDS. Mr. Belvedere calmly explained to Wesley that it was okay to have the little friend spend the night over at the house. Was Mr. Belvedere telling Wesley that they should call the Department of Homeland Security and have the little friend locked away just in case his HIV mutated into some kind of airborne retrovirus smörgåsbord? I don't think so.

Oh and, by the way, Huckabee tried to get all semantic about this, indicating that "isolate" didn't really mean "quarantine" didn't really mean "lock up." Um, yeah.

Buy a thesaurus, Huckabee, even though you probably would tell the bookstore clerk that the thesaurus was a funny-looking dinosaur. Oh wait. You don't believe in dinosaurs. Sorry.

So, if you're keeping track of Huckabee's list of crimes, here's where I'm at:

• Creationism
• Very bad movie title could serve as his campaign slogan
• Inability to define "PC"
• Poor grasp of English language
  
• Ignorance of disease transmission mechanism
• Didn't see And the Band Played On...

We Cut Out the Middleman

Much hullabaloo this weekend as Oprah Winfrey appeared in Iowa to campaign for Lil' Barack Obama. (NB: Do check out the LA Times link because you can vote on "Best Celebrity Endorsement," and Fred Thompson is his own celebrity endorsement. Who said America isn't wonderful?)

I have a proposal: Forget about Obama and just elect Oprah. Come on, you know you want to.

Oprah has a suitable (Bill) Clinton-esque narrative of progress sure to please even the most diehard meritocrats around. Coming from a struggling and troubled childhood, Oprah works hard and reinvents herself as, perhaps, the most successful American businesswoman ever. Gee, isn't this country great?! See, you just have to work hard like Oprah, and you'll be completely fine. And if you didn't do as well as Oprah, well, you just didn't try hard enough. This is the message I want to send the children of America. Don't you? For shame!

While I'm sure that celebrity endorsements for presidential campaigns are nothing new, I can't help but wonder if the Oprah-hoopla confirms my suspicion that the 2008 hopefuls are, mostly, a bunch of divas. And that's why we should just forget the candidates altogether and vote for the celebrities.

It would go a little something like this....

The Death Match

Lil' Dems
Harry Belafonte (John Edwards)
Oprah Winfrey (Barack Obama)
Barbara Streisand (Hillary Clinton)
Sean Penn (Dennis Kucinich)

Lil' Republicans
Ric Flair (Mike Huckabee)
The Cast of Big Love (Mitt Romney)
Steve Forbes (Rudy Giuliani)
Fred Thompson (Fred Thompson)

The Action

Early Primaries
In the first round, Belafonte sings the "Banana Boat Song," while Streisand reprises her numbers from Yentl. The American Idol judges declare Belafonte the winner, fair and square.

Wrestler Ric Flair takes on Steve Forbes and, let's face it, that match is over in approximately 30 seconds.

Oprah and Sean Penn go head to head, but Oprah hops on her diamond-encrusted pony rocket and leaves Sean Penn in the dust. Serves him right for the heavy-handed metaphors in his 9/11 short film.

Finally, it's the cast of Big Love vs. Fred Thompson. With all the prayerful action that Bill, Barb, Nicky, Margene and the kids could offer--and the evil doings of Roman, Albee, and everyone on the compound--it appears that Fred Thompson might meet his match. But no--the law is on Fred Thompson's side, law and order to be more specific. So, while the cast of Big Love is meeting to plan their attack, Fred Thompson has called the state police, the FBI, and the ATF. Before the cast can act, their houses and the compound are swarmed, and a Waco-style shootout/fiery death occurs.

The Conventions
Oprah thinks she has the nomination cinched, with only Harry Belafonte to throw down. But wait, Oprah didn't bother to come up with a platform. She was running on her role as Oprah (sounds like her endorsee, no?). News comes to light of Belafonte's involvement in the March on Washington and in the Civil Rights Movement, and the crowds go wild. No one wants Oprah anymore, so she cries on national television--to no avail.

As Ric Flair prepares to head off Fred Thompson at the pass, Thompson has called a congressional hearing to investigate use of steroids in the WWE. Ric Flair finds himself stuck in awful traffic on Massachusetts Avenue on his way to the Capitol for the hearing. Thompson wins again.

Election Day
With Harry Belafonte and Fred Thompson neck-and-neck, there's no telling what could happen. On election night, it's too close to call, so the candidates go home for a snooze. Senior Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak announces that she will personally oversee the hanging chad counting, and Belafonte is revealed to be the winner. Conspiracy theorists suggest that with Judith Light now a judge, Novak was worried about losing yet another DA. After all, who's going to back her up when Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler, Richard Belzer and Ice-T come up with their usual cockamamie schemes.

There you have it. John Edwards, I mean Harry Belafonte, for the win. Was that so difficult?