Little Johnny, We Hardly Knew Ye

One of the benefits of living in an ultra-swank building in one of those cities where developers spent the last five years thinking, "What will attract these young hipsters to our condos?" is that you can watch CNN (does this reveal my city or what?) while waiting for the elevator and can even program your key fob so the TV inside the elevator switches to a channel of your choice.

But imagine my dismay when my daily dose of CNN informs me that my darling, my golden boy, nay, my man has decided to drop out of the Presidential race. Oh, little Johnny. With your John Ritter-style good looks (before he got all pudge), your charming smile, your gold Dodge Grand Caravan, your brilliant and humble wife, you were my last great hope for this country.

*Tear*

It's not every day that someone who occupies a position of privilege actually takes the time to think about the people who really make this country, its economy, and the great machine of capitalism tick. A political platform, certainly, but also an understanding of the types of programs and policies we really need to sustain our labor force. And by sustain, I'm not talking about keeping the workers alive. What I mean, instead, is that these people deserve respect, dignity, and access to health care, jobs, and education--all of these things that so many of us (including me) enjoy uncritically.

When I was holed up in my Ivy League tower, drinking my education through a funnel (that's a joke, Mom), I really didn't think much about how and why I got there. Yes, I knew that my immigrant parents took a great risk, came to America and worked very hard. Yes, I knew that I had worked hard enough to get into college. But I never thought about why people didn't get college educations, didn't have health care, didn't have jobs.

These are things that became urgently important to me, particularly when I began to work in education, saw and heard about what can happen in classrooms, and read more about the state of the public education in the United States, Every Child Left Behind, and everything by Jay Matthews (for what that's worth). Later, when I went to graduate school and took a course on pedagogy, I read Paulo Freire's Literacy and, later, Pedagogy of the Oppressed. While Brazilian adult education might not seem germane to the problems ongoing in the United States today, Freire had his finger on the pulse of the ideological state apparatus:

Dehumanization, which marks not only those whose humanity has been stolen, but also (though in a different way) those who have stolen it, is a distortion of the vocation of becoming more fully human. This distortion occurs within history; but it is not an historical vocation. Indeed, to admit of dehumanization as an historical vocation would lead either to cynicism or total despair. The struggle for humanization, for the emancipation of labor, for the overcoming of alienation, for the affirmation of men and women as persons would be meaningless. This struggle is possible only because dehumanization, although a concrete historical fact, is not a given destiny but the result of an unjust order that engenders violence in the oppressors, which in turn dehumanizes the oppressed.

John Edwards showed a commitment to the enterprise of being human instead of a commitment to corporations more interested in the enterprise of dehumanization. He realized that those of us who have the means can be noblesse oblige, in the true sense of the word--nobility obliges, with great privilege comes great responsibility. Critics derided Edwards for that soundbite we've all heard: his father was a mill worker as was his grandfather before him. But even though Edwards--a first-generation college student--got the education his father and grandfather never could have and earned amounts of money of which his forefathers only could have dreamed, he remembered where he came from. He remembered the people he came from.

For a brief moment, I had great hope that we might have a leader who was willing to put his money where his mouth was, cared about invisible labor and exploited workers, and demonstrated a commitment to the sort of progressive populism that we so desperately need to make the world a better place. Perhaps you're thinking, "Oh, that'll never happen" and, believe me, I've heard it before. But John Edwards believed that it could happen and offered us a politics of hope.

Obama Kicks Hillary's Ass: South Carolina

I'm flabbergasted that CNN is reporting that Obama won without emphasizing the gigantic victory he had over Hillary. Even more interesting is that 61% of the Dem. voters were female, yet Obama won. I think this is a great sign that we're not allowing identity politics to determine our votes.

Someone I know posted a message which indicated that one could not call herself a feminist if she didn't vote for Hillary. I found this statement completely appalling. I told her as much. A mild debate ensued, and she finally gave up when I suggested that a feminist might, you know, actually think about *all women* (to say nothing of all people!). Is Hillary Clinton good for *all women*? I don't think so. Maybe glass-ceiling-breaking professional women and corporate women in particular. But does she care about working-class women? She doesn't appear to care about working-class people at all. Some other people--including avowed feminists--jumped in to agree that her original statement was offensive. Am I a feminist? Well, I believe that there should be equality between all sexes (and ethnicities, class-status, etc.), so I guess so. Do I believe that Hillary is the best choice? No.

And neither do the women of South Carolina.

John Edwards made a third place showing, and he is vowing to stay in the race. Is this a good plan? Well, I think it is. Perhaps he'll have some kingmaker-style leverage at the convention--though since I just don't understand this "superdelegate" business, who knows. But his presence calms me. And anyone who can calm me is good in my books.

Johnny Edwards Just Wants Some Love

Let's give it to him!

Recount! Recount!

In case you haven't heard, there's going to be a recount for the New Hampshire Primary.

Some of us right here at American Other suggested that there might have been something hinkey going on with New Hampshire, so we're pleased that officials will be reconsidering the ballots. Of course, if some sort of tampering or unfairness occurred in the first place, I have difficulty believing that it wouldn't happen with a recount as well.

Of course, this whole situation recalls the 2000 election, though there's a lot less at stake at the moment.*

I have no doubt that the election results will change in some way, though I doubt they will change much for Kucinich (who is instigating the recount with Republican Albert Howard--they fronted the $2,000 needed to start the process).

I think the recount will give Ron Paul a boost and, in fact, I find his primary results to be most suspicious. I also think that percentages will change for both Obama and Edwards and that Hillary Clinton will prove to have less support.

Why is Kucinich doing that? Clearly, his 1.4% won't be increasing to the levels that would make him a viable candidate. I think he has a few reasons:

• The Principle--Aren't you inherently skeptical of most polls? I know I am. Having a recount would give us another data set to consider. Of course, it'll probably just make me continue to distrust results, and I'll want another recount. If, however, the results are close enough, then maybe I'll have more faith in the act of election (though certainly not in the morons doing the electing!)
• Folk Heroism--If Kucinich's recount initiative uncovers some dirty laundry, he will gain my admiration. He might even gain my vote! Okay, since I've been considering electability in my voting (and apparently the large body of Obama and Clinton voters don't care about this and are willing to turn over the reigns to President Huckabee), I probably wouldn't go vote for Kucinich, but I'd certainly tell everyone how cool he is. Maybe I'll put a picture of him on my wall, next to all my Star Wars paraphernalia.
• Making Votes Count--Have all the voters had their votes counted? Kucinich wants some assurance.
  

What do you think will happen?

*Much is at stake in the election proper, but this is only the beginning. There is still time for America--and Edwards--to rise.

Rani picked the Repubs!

CNN projected McCain as the winner, with Romney in second, and Huckabee in third.

Edwards has been projected to come in third, with a tight race between Clinton and Obama. Clinton appears to be leading. Snarff has declared his intentions to commit seppuku.

Rani's NH Predictions

Any guesses on what might happen tonight?

For the Repubs, I'm predicting: McCain, Romney, Huckabee. Buoyed by their NH stats, all three will stay in the race.

For the Dems, I'll say: Obama, Edwards, Clinton. All three will stay in as well.

My Post-Debate Reprise

My god, he has a lot of chins.

The Rani and Snarff are on the debate coverage already, but I wanted to add my own bit in here, too.

So after watching the Dem debates, I went ahead and watched the Red debates, too (thanks, Comcast DVR!). There are some marked differences that I think should be pointed out.

The Republican debate seemed to focus a good bit on immigration, and Giuliani spent a fair bit of time touting his law enforcement background and how "amnesty for illegals" is bad. Last night he was a cop, and just the kind of cop you hate to get pulled over by. Everyone else pretty much pounced on his own record as mayor of New York, and how he basically gave amnesty...or maybe he didn't. But he sure looked nutty for a moment there.

At least two Republicans have conflated immigration with security (Giuliani and McCain). There's a lot of talk about the importance of "securing our borders" and "sealing our borders," which I think is kind of stupid--as if there's a giant tube of caulk out there that you can use to keep out the pesky Canadians who keep getting into the bathtup of the Great Lakes.

(The thing that is most obvious that no one talks about when it comes to border security is that everyone's focused on the Mexican border. There's not a lot of talk about the Canadian border, which presumably is just as porous, and just as insecure. But it's the Mexicans that scare the bejeezus out of the Republicans.)

Romney played the exact same kind of "I've brought change!" bullet point list that Hillary did later on, with not quite the same amount of fire or indignation. No one's eyebrows went up at all like they did when Hillary got riled up. Change! Everyone's for it, but I guess it's the denominations that are important, huh?

McCain's targetted Obama on his security background, and believes that "radical Islamist terrorism" is the primary threat faced by America. In fact, there's a lot of targetting Democrats on how weak they are, and how "creating timetables for withdrawal in a time of war" is tantamount to retreat, and therefore shameful.

Huckabee is the only one who even mentions anything positive about Obama, and rightly so: "He's touched on something that Americans want....He has excited voters in this country, let's pay respect for that. We better be careful as a party, because if we don't give people something to be for, and not just something to be against, we're going to lose this election."

Ron Paul jumped on that same wagon, to some degree, basically talking about the youthfulness of the ideas. He explores the differences a bit more, touting his own libertarian background. He still slams Obama for "not talking about income tax" and supporting a welfare state (which Obama actually did talk about in the Dem debate, so...uh...).

The topic of India and China as developing markets (and therefore as competitor consumers for oil) is kind of interesting for the candidate reactions. Ron Paul makes this all about oil. He makes an interesting point about the price of oil: that it was $27 a barrel when we went to Iraq, and now it's around $100, and this was supposed to be about "securing the oil" (it was?! WTF?! As if this particular bit of truth were not totally anathema just a year ago). McCain follows along on the oil topic, and talks about reducing dependence on foreign oil, but does not talk about ethanol and what a disaster it is. We're really moving astray from the topic, but no one seems to care. Thompson just reiterates the obvious, except he also suggest we use the oil reserves in this country (presumably, this means ANWR). He also suggest we "need the oil to flow" while we search for alternatives, which doesn't make any sense, but again, no one bites. Giuliani jumps on the same "ennumerate forms of alternate energy" train as everyone else, and throws in clean coal, wind, and nuclear.

Charlie points out that nuclear is an interesting topic in NH. Huckabee dodges that bullet and keeps on with how great innovation is. No one wants to say that oil companies' excessive profits getting taxed (the "windfall tax") is a good idea. Romney doesn't say anything new, either. Everyone says we need to invest in new forms of energy. No one seems to be thinking too clearly about it, though.

Romney and McCain hate each other the way Hillary and Obama hate each other. That's obvious. But...it kind of seems like no one cares. They had a pretty heated exchange when McCain somewhat sarcastically said Romney was a "real candidate of change," and Romney said the ad hominem attacks were unnecessary.

In fact, Stephanopolous pointed out in the post-debate dissection that none of the other candidates seem to like Romney very much, and that several of them went at it with him. Romney did force McCain to talk about immigration, which McCain was reluctant to do. And Giuliani clearly didn't mind letting Romney and McCain go at each other for a while.

The handshakes at the end of the Republican debate when they walked the Dems out and all the candidates shook hands and greeted each other were interesting to me, too. First, the audience loved it, and clapped the whole time that the candidates were on stage. Next, it's interesting to note who stopped where to talk:

Ron Paul sort of paired up with Richardson for a while.

• Obama hugged McCain like he meant it.
• McCain hugged Edwards like they were going to make out.
• Hillary didn't really linger with anyone, moving right down the line. She smiled biggest for McCain and paired up with him for a moment.
• Richardson kept it moving, but did seem to linger a while with Giuliani.
• The mics caught Hillary greeting Charlie rather warmly ("Hello, Charlie! How are you?") and his tepid response ("Hello there").

Stephanopoulous points out that the Clinton / Richardson relationship might not be as warm as it seems, because of some purported backroom deals between Richardson and Obama for Iowa. The relevant details are not explored any further, but George says that the Clintons are "livid" about it.

In-ter-est-ing.

Oh, and FYI, for those of you who were really focused on Iowa and Huckabee's "victory," keep in mind that Romney just won the Wyoming caucus. That race is far from over.

Also, I'm not sure what the MSM is up to, but I was really teed off by the implications during the Dem debate last night that "the surge has worked." Lest you think that, today's headlines should help set things straight:

• Shiite sheikh shot dead by gunmen in Baghdad neighborhood, officials
  say


• Ismaiel Abbas had been active in efforts to counter militia
  activity


• 16 people killed, 32 wounded in three separate bombings in Iraqi
  capital
  
  BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- Three separate bombings killed at
  least 16 people Sunday, and gunmen shot to death a Shiite tribal sheikh active
  in an effort to counter militias in his northeastern Baghdad neighborhood, Iraqi
  officials said.

Uh, yeah, I'm going to plan my vacation to Baghdad immediately. Thank you, Surge!

On the Dem side, here's the tally:
Clinton 33%
Obama 33%
Edwards 20%
Richardson 4%
Kucinich 2%

And the Republicans' scorecard:
McCain 33%
Romney 27%
Giuliani 14%
Huckabee 11%

(all numbers courtesy of CNN.com)

Based on those preliminary numbers, an Obama / Edwards ticket makes quite a bit of sense. It'd be tough to beat, since both Edwards and Obama have some support on the other side of the aisle.

Finally, for those of you who'd be interested in making a trip to Denver, Aug 25-28 for some real political fun, let me know. I'm going to go. If ever there was a DNC to attend, this is it!

Dem Debate: Slam Book Style

Charlie Gibson asks, "What do you wish you hadn't said in a debate?"

Hillary: Waffles, no comment.

Richardson: Claimed to love a U.S. Supreme Court justice who opposed Roe v. Wade. Bo-oring.

Edwards: "I made a horrendous mistake of teasing Hillary about her jacket. And I want her to know--you look terrific tonight."

Obama: Lots of words, no substantial comment.

This pretty much sums up tonight's debate. Who do you think is the winner?

Richardson to Edwards: I'm drunk

Edwards: I'm going to bring troops home within a year.

Richardson: Unlike you, John. I'm going to bring home troops within a year. And I'm totally wasted on tequila worms and Miller Chill lime-flavored beer.

Richardson: I Will Stop Death!

Bill Richardson needs his hearing tested.

Saint John Edwards finished a coherent statement about ending the war in Iraq, outlining an immediate pull out of 40-50K troops and withdrawal of the rest with in 9-10 months. Richardson then responds, "John, you can't end the war without taking the troops out. As president, I will remove the troops within a year." Um, someone clearly wasn't paying attention!

Richardson continues on, noting that he flies his flag at half-mast each time he hears about a death. He adds, "I will stop that."

Yes, you heard it here first. Bill Richardson will stop death. Fear not the Grim Reaper coming for you, beloved reader. Richardson will ensure that you live forever.

Edwards: No Nukes! Hillary: I'm Gay

As in happy. Hillary is very, very...happy.

Edwards can now be the biggest leftist on stage without Kucinich and Gravel. God bless it! Why is Bill Richardson here, by the way?

Elizabeth Declares John in Second Place

John Edwards gave a most awesome speech after the Iowa results. Ballsy Elizabeth Edwards declared second place for John, and it seems that her prognostication is coming to fruition.

As I listened to Edwards speaking, I realized that he is positioning himself for VP, and I think there might be some deal-brokering, phone calls, and horse trading between Edwards and Obama coming soon. I'll be interested to see how it plays out.

Meanwhile, I'm watching Hillary speaking, and she just seems so lackluster. In fact, she keeps jacking Edwards and Obama phrases and passing them off as her own with a very flat delivery. To make matters worse, she's framed on the right by Madeleine Albright and by Bill on the left. It's one of the ugliest sights ever to grace my television. This woman just has no charisma. To make matters worse, I'm reading this book, and it's really not improving my vision of Hillary. Neither is the mullet she appears to be sporting currently.

I ask again, "How does President Huckabee" sound?

CNN is now projecting Obama as Iowa Caucus winner.

Let me make it clear that if Obama wins the nomination, I will campaign for and vote for Obama. In fact, it does make me proud to know that we've finally gotten to the point where a black man can win the Iowa Caucus.

In the meantime, however, I'd really prefer that we come up with a nominee who could win a general election. The words "viable" and "electable" are coming up in regards to the Democratic nomination. What I'm not hearing, however, is "viable" and "electable" in a general election.

I firmly believe that the best way for Democrats to have a president is to find a Southerner who can pick up all those votes that are now going to go to Huckabee. Are all those Southern Baptists going to say, "Oooh, let's check out that Obama guy?" Doubtful. In fact, they'll probably start regretting that pesky 13th Amendment. Is there a small chance they might give John Edwards a second glance? Yes, I think so. After all, he isn't a Yankee.

If Obama gets the nomination, we're in for a few more Obama/Osama slips and sooner than you can blink, President Huckabee will be marching us back to Nazi Germany c. 1936 (thanks, Snarff).

How does President Huckabee sound?

I don't like it either.

Make it stop. Go vote for Edwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 8:59 EST.

Only three minutes ago, CNN projected Huckabee as the winner with only 15% reporting. I guess they're pretty certain, but it's so early.

EDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDS

We *can't* have eight more years of this crap.

The Truth About the Election

You probably realize that I don't pull many punches. In that vein, I'm going to share something that I think of as each new election draws near. While some of us might be doing frantic calculations to determine who will be the next president, it all comes down to one thing: the BBQ factor.

When Americans go to the polls to pick a president, they're not thinking about taxes, foreign policy, or kindergarten transcripts. They're thinking, "Now which of these candidates would I want at my BBQ." Ideally, the president will arrive clad in a plaid shirt, grab a Pabst Blue Ribbon from the cooler, and sidle up to the grill to flip some meat with his buddies.

Now, do Americans really want Hillary at their BBQ? Just imagine--she'd show up, demand shiraz, and wrestle control from the host. Before you know it, she's thrown out the beef and pork in favor of more healthy chicken and fish. No condiments allowed either.

Will Obama be invited to the BBQ? Only for some post-BBQ lynching.

Giuliani? I'm not sure America will take too kindly to someone trying to work his Italian sausage into things.

Romney? Can you trust a man who won't drink a beer?

What it comes down to here is Huckabee and Edwards. Both electable. Both suitable for BBQ invites.

I'll take Edwards. After we grill our plethora of meats and ride around in the fluffy clouds and dazzling rainbows on our unicorns, we'll be handing out leftover meat to the poor.

Hil is scared... And she should be...

Since I'm currently ill and confined to the bed, I'm mercy to my television. I think it's trying to tell me something. I was happily watching the Food Network and then it magically switched over to MSNBC. Guess I'm supposed to make a post.

We at American Other all take individual responsibility for our own presidential favorites. It's no secret that I'd like John Edwards to give me better health insurance, tuck me in and read me bedtime stories. Iowans, in the title of Spike Lee, Do the Right Thing.

(Chuck Norris is predicting a landslide for Huckabee, by the way. Life gets even more farcical than inside my head.)

ABC News is reporting, however, that the Clinton team is prepping for a massive spin campaign for when she does not capture the Iowans hearts. The article notes that there are plans to "declare success" even if Hil finishes in third place.

No!!!!!!!!

We've had eight years of declaring success when there's failure. Mission accomplished when mission ain't accomplished. Doublespeak and doublethink and the Thought Police. The last thing I want to see is a serious presidential candidate preparing to "declare success" for no reason.

Godspeed tomorrow, Iowans.

Iowa Cometh

Rani now has a sinus infection and is reportedly sleeping with a "lavendar warming sheep" on her head so I'll weigh in briefly: Iowa. Caucuses. These caucuses are going to give the go-nowhere candidates a chance to quit without looking like quitters. And it's going to pick a frontrunner with actual delegates instead of just polls and cash. I'm going to rank the field as to my prefered candidates from both parties (in one handy list!)

1. John Edwards: Every time I think about crappy health care, huge co-pays and prescriptions draining my bank account I think about JE (not to be confused with JC although don't forget Jesus liked the poor and healing people too). Yes we have a chance for a good solid Progressive and maybe we can make some *gasp* progress!


2. Dennis Kucinich: Just saw Star Wars III again on Skinimax. Kucinich IS Yoda. Pointy ears. Wise words. Sees a lot of spaceships. Short. Handy with a light saber. Friendly with Large, hairy women (we all know what's behind Yoda's "good relations" with the Wookies. He's a freak!)

3. Chris Dodd: He's a bit of a speed-talker which is a problem because Americans can be slow-understanders. A cool stand on the senate floor, he speaks fluent Spanish...not a bad guy.




4. Barack Obama: Oprah likes him. He also does have a lot in common with JFK. He's charismatic, inexperienced, risky electorally and either he doesn't have a lot of policy ideas or is playing everything close to the vest (I believe the second, frankly.) Unlike JFK he doesn't have a quip for every occasion and also he tends to use big words most Americans don't understand. But wouldn't that be a relief after W?

5. Mike Gravel: "Imagine you had a chance in hell..."

6. Bill Richardson: Folksy only goes so far.

7. Joe Biden: Annoying life-long political insider.

8. Ron Paul: No NAFTA, no war--great; guns--fine (after the Bush administration I'm kind of glad the country is well-armed and hard to take over)...the rest not so much

9. Hillary Rodham Clinton: A wolf in sheep's clothing on war, trade and corporate welfare but we could use some progressive judges

10. John McCain: At least he's anti-torture (sort-of)



11. Alan Keyes: Easy to put him here because he has no shot. And he was in Borat!

12. Fred Thompson: This dude is comatose.

13. Duncan Hunter: Who?

14. Mitt Romney: Awful candidate and he "saw the Patriots win the World Series." Not even the Patriots are THAT good.

15. Rudy Giuliani: Slimy criminal taking shit from 9/11 firefighters. Wish I believed in Hell.

16. Mike Huckabee: "When fascism comes to this country, it will be wrapped in the flag, carrying a cross." That's what Bush was wrapped in. This guy is a dangerous fundamentalist and is looking to become the Ayatollah of America. God help us all.

Iowa Knows What's Up: Edwards Leads

Polls are stupid, but one here suggests that Edwards is making a strong showing in Iowa.

Clearly, there are some fine-thinking Iowans who know how to pick a candidate. One of them even reads this blog!

Our Hope: John Edwards

I just received an email from Kevin Bacon. He said we should vote for John Edwards. You know how I love me a celebrity endorsement! Particularly one from a celebrity from whom I am less than six degree away! (This is what happens when you date someone who was in that amazing '80s classic Satisfaction.)

Watch this movie. Do it. DO IT.



See if you can resist the politician who cares about the poor, who cares about health care, who cares about this country. I know I can't. Go Edwards!

All the News...

Baseketball: Here I am, mildly hamstrung by an aching wrist--but after the Mitchell Report, my doctor refuses to do anything about it. How the not-so-mighty have fallen. Don't you remember when George Mitchell was doing IRA/Northern Ireland peace talks? I once had a classmate who claimed George Mitchell was her father. He wasn't. I should have realized this, since "Mitchell" wasn't her surname, but I was trying not to be judgmental. Bad idea.

Halliburton Land: I still haven't seen much coverage of the Halliburton rape case. Yes, there are now 730 Google News hits, but I haven't really seen it in any of the major locales. (No, The Kansas Record isn't what I have in mind). Get it together, major news media outlets! Hillary Clinton, I saw at one point, has called for a probe into the case. Good one Hillary. You were probably guarding the shipping crate and withholding the cell phone.

Primary School: Straight outta Des Moines, Mike Huckabee tells Elizabeth Edwards that Des Moines Register debates are dull ("It's boring") and everyone with half a brain cell declares John Edwards the winner of the debate. And how could you not? He has got all the charm of Jimmy Carter minus the October Surprise. He won't get down and dirty in various Obama-Clinton debacles. While they are playing playground politics, Edwards is busy saving puppies and helping old ladies cross the street.

The Cold Truth: I'm just going to say it. Don't go to the primaries electing people on whim or novelty. There's too much "Ooooh! A woman!" and "Oooooh! An African American!" going on. Look at the big picture. Think about who might win a general election. Think about all those people who aren't like you, who think electing anyone other than a white Christian man goes against God's (and Chuck Norris') law. Come time for the national election, when they're hesitating between Mitt "I Wear Magical Undies" Romney and Hillary Clinton, who are they going to pick? When they are forced to choose between Mike "I Love Chuck" Huckabee and Barack Obama, what are they going to do?

Quite frankly, I'm fed up with the Lil' Dems a lot of the time, but they're infinitely preferable to the Lil' Repubs. Let's think about our latest Lil' Dem Presidents: Lil' Bill, Lil' Jimmy Carter, Lil' Lyndon Johnson. White. Southern. Men. Lil' John Edwards. White. Southern. Man.

If we hadn't just endured eight years from hell, courtesy of Dubya, I'd probably be voting for Lil' Barack. But it's been bad, kids. Really bad. In my hunt for an electable candidate, I stumbled over Lil' John Edwards, and I realized that he's more of what I was looking for anyway.

And the man drives a gold Dodge Caravan. I know this because Snarff and I were at an event once and, when we left, wound up on Massachusetts Avenue behind Lil' John Edwards. I began to wave crazily out the car window, and he waved back.