American Other

Should Obama Thank W?

2008-02-13T21:18:00.007-05:00

Disclaimer: I voted for Obama yesterday as did nearly everyone in DC, MD and VA.
I think W should be tried and convicted of treason for too many reasons to list here.

BUT...there are at least two important favors that Bush did for Barack. The first, and more readily apparent, is to run this country into the ground, big time.

Four years ago, a "black" (and I won't say African-American here because it is an imprecise term for a man who had an African father and white mother) president was commonly believed to have no shot, even as Al Sharpton and Alan Keyes ran. People assumed a black candidate was an "issues" candidate, and a nice story, but not a credible choice for his party's nominee. Now I'll grant you, Barack Obama is several cuts above Sharpton experience-wise and Alan Keyes is just a self-hating nut job. But in the intervening years Bush really went into high gear destroying America.

Now in 2008, 9 trillion in debt, the Bill of Rights burned to a crisp, and the blood of 4,000 dead American soldiers and 700,000+ dead Iraqis on our hands, people are pissed off. 70%+ of Americans look at Bush's smirking mug and get sick. Americans want a president that is as different as possible. Obama isn't in the pocket of lobbyists and special interests. He's a straight shooter with a consistent anti-war position.

And he's not a white guy. An American who's been trampled on by the rich, white, old boy network represented by the Bush family is ready for someone who isn't a white guy. To paraphrase Bill Clinton, we'll, "roll the dice" with a black guy with a weird last name because we know the white people are going to screw everyone.

The second favor Bush did for Obama was by placing black folks in unprecidented positions of power. How can the Repubs effectively imply that black people aren't ready for "scary terrorism" when the two people in charge of stopping "scary terrorism" for the past eight years were both black? That's right, Powell and Rice have been W's Secretaries of State, his point people for the "war on terror." Bush has spent a lot of time, money and political capital to get Americans to associate black faces and national security. And whether people want to give W credit or not, some of the previously held racist assumptions about a black candidate Bush did his best to dispel.

So does that mean Obama should write W a card for Valentine's Day? Hell no. But that whole strange bedfellows thing is sometimes even stranger than you think.

Video Killed the Candidate

2008-02-13T10:26:00.003-05:00

I've come up with a voter IQ test that assesses your knowledge of political issues based on your interpretation of some data presented below. For the test, you'll be asked to watch a video and then choose a letter with the best description of that video. Each choice has a corresponding candidate for whom you should vote (if your state has not held a primary yet) or support to win the nomination and/or general election. Scroll down for answers. Please note, some answers correspond to candidates who have dropped out of the race.

Video Test

If you thought the video can is best described as:

A) What should be playing on MTV
B) What happens when writers go on strike
C) The opening credits for public television show hosted by the Red Hat Society
D) Why the terrorists hate us
E) A far worse experience than being a POW for 5 years
F) Why Bill Clinton cheated on his wife
G) What it feels like to go to college when everyone else you knew stayed at the mill

Then your candidate to vote for/support is:

A) Mike Huckabee
B) Barack Obama
C) Hillary Clinton
D) Rudy Giuliani
E) John McCain
F) Mitt Romney
G) John Edwards

It's Chesapeke Tuesday... do you know where your vote is?

2008-02-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

Call me crazy, but I feel like there are Big Things on the Horizon for tonight. Having almost recovered from the loss of John Edwards for the Democratic nomination, I have thrown my support behind and absentee balloted for Barack Obama. Snarff will be heading to his polling place to cast his vote in the DC primary, so we'll be looking to him for some primary coverage.

Having voted in Maryland primaries before, I realized that this is the first time that the Maryland primary actually makes a difference. It's as if Maryland, VA, and DC have banded together to try to make some noise.

DC will undoubtedly answer the call of Barack and if Delaware is any prediction, Maryland will do the same. Virginia's population centers will swing to Barack as well, though Hillary will be trying to eek out support in the low-density areas.

Tonight will be MAJOR. Perhaps tonight will be the night. After Obama's weekend coup, here's to carrying the month!

The Super Mardi Edition

2008-02-05T09:17:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else feeling a sense of ennui related to Super Tuesday? If so, you might want to consider some King Cake. You don't have to eat it--just consider it. I'm about to consider a piece myself.

So what's going to happen tonight? I'm thinking great victories for Obama and McCain. Clinton, Romney, and Huckabee will all stay in the race, but the momentum will carry Obama and McCain to the nomination.

It's no big secret that I abhor Hillary. I'm a bit concerned, though, that Obama might pick Clinton as his running mate. Is this something I shouldn't really worry about? Because I do. Just as I know I'd rather write-in than vote for Hillary, I don't think I could vote for an Obama-Clinton ticket.

Presidential Politics

2008-02-01T09:04:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine has been posting (almost daily as of late) since 2006. This is a great blog if you want to expose yourself to some great analysis on the bid for the White House. Do yourself a favor and bookmark this link until next November.

Fed to pay you to take US money

2008-01-30T16:25:00.000-05:00

I still don't think this will help the economy.

Little Johnny, We Hardly Knew Ye

2008-01-30T09:20:00.000-05:00

One of the benefits of living in an ultra-swank building in one of those cities where developers spent the last five years thinking, "What will attract these young hipsters to our condos?" is that you can watch CNN (does this reveal my city or what?) while waiting for the elevator and can even program your key fob so the TV inside the elevator switches to a channel of your choice.

But imagine my dismay when my daily dose of CNN informs me that my darling, my golden boy, nay, my man has decided to drop out of the Presidential race. Oh, little Johnny. With your John Ritter-style good looks (before he got all pudge), your charming smile, your gold Dodge Grand Caravan, your brilliant and humble wife, you were my last great hope for this country.

*Tear*

It's not every day that someone who occupies a position of privilege actually takes the time to think about the people who really make this country, its economy, and the great machine of capitalism tick. A political platform, certainly, but also an understanding of the types of programs and policies we really need to sustain our labor force. And by sustain, I'm not talking about keeping the workers alive. What I mean, instead, is that these people deserve respect, dignity, and access to health care, jobs, and education--all of these things that so many of us (including me) enjoy uncritically.

When I was holed up in my Ivy League tower, drinking my education through a funnel (that's a joke, Mom), I really didn't think much about how and why I got there. Yes, I knew that my immigrant parents took a great risk, came to America and worked very hard. Yes, I knew that I had worked hard enough to get into college. But I never thought about why people didn't get college educations, didn't have health care, didn't have jobs.

These are things that became urgently important to me, particularly when I began to work in education, saw and heard about what can happen in classrooms, and read more about the state of the public education in the United States, Every Child Left Behind, and everything by Jay Matthews (for what that's worth). Later, when I went to graduate school and took a course on pedagogy, I read Paulo Freire's Literacy and, later, Pedagogy of the Oppressed. While Brazilian adult education might not seem germane to the problems ongoing in the United States today, Freire had his finger on the pulse of the ideological state apparatus:

Dehumanization, which marks not only those whose humanity has been stolen, but also (though in a different way) those who have stolen it, is a distortion of the vocation of becoming more fully human. This distortion occurs within history; but it is not an historical vocation. Indeed, to admit of dehumanization as an historical vocation would lead either to cynicism or total despair. The struggle for humanization, for the emancipation of labor, for the overcoming of alienation, for the affirmation of men and women as persons would be meaningless. This struggle is possible only because dehumanization, although a concrete historical fact, is not a given destiny but the result of an unjust order that engenders violence in the oppressors, which in turn dehumanizes the oppressed.

John Edwards showed a commitment to the enterprise of being human instead of a commitment to corporations more interested in the enterprise of dehumanization. He realized that those of us who have the means can be noblesse oblige, in the true sense of the word--nobility obliges, with great privilege comes great responsibility. Critics derided Edwards for that soundbite we've all heard: his father was a mill worker as was his grandfather before him. But even though Edwards--a first-generation college student--got the education his father and grandfather never could have and earned amounts of money of which his forefathers only could have dreamed, he remembered where he came from. He remembered the people he came from.

For a brief moment, I had great hope that we might have a leader who was willing to put his money where his mouth was, cared about invisible labor and exploited workers, and demonstrated a commitment to the sort of progressive populism that we so desperately need to make the world a better place. Perhaps you're thinking, "Oh, that'll never happen" and, believe me, I've heard it before. But John Edwards believed that it could happen and offered us a politics of hope.

State of the Union Predictions

2008-01-28T09:51:00.000-05:00

Because I loooooove to prognosticate (and, apparently, procrastinate), here are my thoughts on tonight's State of the Union Address.

Things we will hear:

"The State of the Union is strong!" (*snort*)
"No Child Left Behind was a success!" (*snort*)
"The troop surge worked!" (*snort*)
"I care about America!" (*triplefucking snort*)
"Pass my most awesome, excellent economic stimulus package!" (*sigh*)

Things we will not hear:

the truth.
the truth.
the truth.

Obama Kicks Hillary's Ass: South Carolina

2008-01-26T23:31:00.000-05:00

I'm flabbergasted that CNN is reporting that Obama won without emphasizing the gigantic victory he had over Hillary. Even more interesting is that 61% of the Dem. voters were female, yet Obama won. I think this is a great sign that we're not allowing identity politics to determine our votes.

Someone I know posted a message which indicated that one could not call herself a feminist if she didn't vote for Hillary. I found this statement completely appalling. I told her as much. A mild debate ensued, and she finally gave up when I suggested that a feminist might, you know, actually think about *all women* (to say nothing of all people!). Is Hillary Clinton good for *all women*? I don't think so. Maybe glass-ceiling-breaking professional women and corporate women in particular. But does she care about working-class women? She doesn't appear to care about working-class people at all. Some other people--including avowed feminists--jumped in to agree that her original statement was offensive. Am I a feminist? Well, I believe that there should be equality between all sexes (and ethnicities, class-status, etc.), so I guess so. Do I believe that Hillary is the best choice? No.

And neither do the women of South Carolina.

John Edwards made a third place showing, and he is vowing to stay in the race. Is this a good plan? Well, I think it is. Perhaps he'll have some kingmaker-style leverage at the convention--though since I just don't understand this "superdelegate" business, who knows. But his presence calms me. And anyone who can calm me is good in my books.

Na na na na.... Na na na na... Hey Hey Hey... Goodbye

2008-01-22T15:17:00.001-05:00

Elliott Stabler, Olivia Benson, Richard Belzer, Ice-T, and Assistant D.A. Casey Novak are getting their D.A. back!

Fred Thompson drops out of the race.

More Interest Rate Cuts, Stocks Drop

2008-01-22T10:24:00.000-05:00

Read this article. I challenge you to prove to me that we're not already in recession.

Huckster Challenge: Raze the South

2008-01-21T23:00:00.000-05:00

I challenge any reader* to the complete the following three steps:

1. Watch this video.

2. Repeat these sentences 10 times: The man admitted to the act of frying a squirrel in a popcorn popper. And eating it.

3. Vote that man into the White House proudly admit to it for four years.

I never thought I'd ever admit to this, but....Hilary Clinton is looking good right now.

Side Note: Does Mike's mode of cooking make anyone, like it does me, wonder, how said squirrel was actually caught?

*(Only valid for readers born/raised outside the area commonly referred to as Dixie and do not believe that Adam and Eve rode dinoback through the Garden, that Jefferson Davis was the first president, and/or that Jesus was a virgin.

H-Bomb Representin'

2008-01-19T15:20:00.000-05:00

And the Fishmonger shall don the robes of Cain.
Esther 121:2

Recession Roundup: Stupid Economic Simulus

2008-01-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

Word out on the street is that Bush is pushing a $145 billion economic stimulus package designed to prevent us from entering a recession. (N.B. Can we stop pretending we're not in a recession already?)

This package includes up to $800 in tax relief for income tax payers, which will be accomplished without repealing Bush's tax cuts for the rich.

Explain me this: Given our current deficit, how is this a good plan? I will remind you that the US National Debt clock currently reads:

.

But where will this money come from? Will we just tack it onto our deficit? We're certainly not getting it from the wealthy--those very people who have benefited from Bush's presidency and who, in truth, bear partial responsibility for the state of the economy at the moment. Had they said, "You know? We should do our part and be taxed fairly," I don't think we'd be in as dire a situation as we are right now. (Given Bush's stupidity, no doubt we'd still be SOL but not to the tune of nearly $9.2 trillion.)

And what about the people who don't pay income tax? There's something like 50 million Americans who don't pay income tax because they do not make enough money to have to pay! They could certainly use $800 more than I could. In fact, mark my words, if I receive an $800 check from the U.S. Treasury, I will find a family who doesn't pay income tax, and I will GIVE them my check. I mean it. I know it's not going to solve the world's problems, but I'll do it for the principle. Don't these people deserve some relief, seeing as they're the people with the *real* problems: the ones who can't afford to put a tank of gas in their cars (if they even own one), the ones who can't afford the rising cost of food staples, the ones who don't have job security because they work in construction and will be the first to be laid off, the ones who have to choose between buying their children a winter coat and paying for the gas bills that heat their homes. Why should a family of four making between $25K and $40K not receive tax relief while I would?

If you have a chance to call up your Senators or Representatives about this, please do. Tell them that you support a stimulus package that looks after non-income-tax-paying individuals. These are the people being hit hardest by the recession that we are currently in. These are the individuals who have the most to lose when money is cut from social programs to pay for my $800. And if you are fortunate enough to receive a relief check, give it to someone who really needs it. While stimulating the economy, you will also be helping out someone who really needs it. Because, face it, you probably don't.

South Carolina Republican Primary Christian Voting Guide

2008-01-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

Hello evil bastards. The Most Reverend Gromit, voted most LORDish Minister 3 years running in Jesus magazine, here with an important message.

If thou votest in tomorrow's South Carolina Republican primary, most likely you are not reading this, because you cannot read. But let's say you have "kinfolk" living in the backwater the Klan never forgot. Read this post to them as if they were blind, retarded children. For in the LORD's eyes, we all are blind and retarded.

Voters: as you ridest in the family wheelbarrow to the polls tomorrow, you may be distracted by how attractive your cousin is. Or you may wrestleth with Grandpa for another swig of corn liquor, or for a taste of Grandpa's meds. Do not let Satan lead you astray from your sacred duty to vote for someone who loves to kill the brown peoples of the world: a Republican! Before thou stumblest into the voting booth, there are things that the LORD needs you to know about the candidates.

And Lo! Didst the LORD spakest upon high to the Reverend Gromit. HE didst say that not only did I have fantastic wingtips, but also shared a little "holy nugget" about each candidate. I tried to scan the stone tablets he didst hand unto me, but alack, scanners are made of glass. Satan's glass.

So now, with much further ado, is Jesus's Christian voter's guide.

Rudolph Giuliani: Canst I not buy a vowel sir? There may not be an "i" in team, but there are 15 in Giuliani. This is a sure sign that Giuliani is a dirty Papist, and he may even be...Italian. He also sneaks into the homes of good Christian women and aborts their babies whilst they sleepest.

Mike "Jesus Jr." Huckabee: On the confederate flag: "In fact, if someone came to the state of Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell them where to put the pole - that's what we'd do." Amen. You know a man is a good Christian when he is imagining thousands of people being anally penetrated.

Duncan Hunter: Even the LORD doesn't know who this guy is.

John McCain: How many illegitimate Black children dost John McCain have tucked away around the country? 587. That's the kind of info that only the LORD and Dick Cheney are privy to.

Ron Paul: Public masturbator.

Mitt Romney: While Mitt believes in several unnecessary extra Bibles, he also believes in polygamy. Which the LORD is all about. This is how the LORD explaineth it to me: "If I wanted men to have only one wife, I wouldn't have made Thai prostitutes so ME-damn hott." Yes, the LORD spell hot in mysterious ways.

Fred Thompson: Hast thou ever looked upon Fred Thompson and thinkest that his skin is starting to fall off of his head? This is because Fred Thompson died last year and taxidermists have been frantically trying to keep him looking alive. It hast not been working.

So tomorrow, when you push that Diebold voting machine touch screen, remember: Huckabee is Holy, but Romney is Rocking the Poligamy thing. So Romney it is. Amen, and praise be to Gromit.

Lou-ser

2008-01-18T09:19:00.000-05:00

Best reason rationalizing Lou's run for the White House:

"Lou Dobbs does not want to run for President and does not consider himself a politician. Sometimes, history demands that good people do what someone must do!"

Some campaign predictions and promises of a Dobbs Presidency: He runs on the platform to outlaw anything with a Mexican word in its name/title. Taco Bell included. Chihuahuas will be exterminated. He only campaigns at Borders bookstores. Tom Tancredo is his obvious choice for vice-president. (Funny thing about Tancredo - his name is the synthesis of two spanish words tan and credo. My rudimentary knowledge suggests that his last name means Like a creed or such as a creed. His stance on immigrations proves that Tommy lives up to his name). Lastly, New Mexico will be forced to declare a new name or face the fact that Lou's iron fist will be hovering over the red telephone. There's already been one nuclear explosion on your turf New Mexico...

Johnny Edwards Just Wants Some Love

2008-01-17T20:36:00.000-05:00

Let's give it to him!

Hugo, No Not Victor

2008-01-17T01:33:00.001-05:00

Have you heard the news? Hugo Chavez is dating Naomi Campbell. I believe it. When she went to Venezuela to interview him for GQ, he entreated her to touch his muscles. Apparently, she liked what she felt.

This news just confirms my knowledge about the awesome power of Hugo Chavez.

Why I Love Hugo:

-Any friend of Fidel's is a friend of mine
-Fidel gave Hugo the sword of Simon Bolivar, passing the torch la revolución (Yes, that's the sword to the left. Please refrain from comment.)
-Survived an attempted coup by the CIA
-Called Dubya the devil and swore he could still smell the sulfur
-Thinks Noam Chomsky's Hegemony or Survival should be required reading for all world leaders
-Is not afraid to challenge America

Why do you love Hugo?

Desperate Times

2008-01-14T16:18:00.000-05:00

And didst the Sodomites dine upon the Scrod of unhappiness.
Psalm 293

Now dost the Democrats prepare to trot out the most unelectable Lesbian in modern history. At the DNC they laugh and say, "Where's your Jesus now, Reverend Gromit?" I urgeth you to protect thine families.

Vile Sinners, riddle me this:

Let's say you have a teenage daughter. Let's call her Jesusette. Now you are paying out thousands for Jesusette to attend a private girls High School. Now one day, Jesusette comes home with a mean looking field hockey goalie named Hilda and your little angel announces that she is a Sodomite. And LORD smite it, they holdest hands.

How many nights have you been on your knees, entreating the Almighty for grandchildren? How many child beauty pageants did you enter little Jesusette in so she could discover the joy of girdles and stiletto heels? And how many Sundays did you bring Daddy's little girl to hear the Reverend Gromit talk about the "abstinence explosion" of the LORD? Not enough apparently, but it is not too late. But time is of the essence.

For the Devil hath granted the evil Lesbian unnatural knowledge of the lady parts. When a good, G-d fearing straight man gets into the marriage bed he says, "Woman! Line 'em up so I can knock 'em down." And it is good.

If thy wife says unto him, "Why dost thou not put thy mouth to my nether regions?" He dost what the LORD would dost. He screameth "HEATHEN!" and smackest her with the Old Testament. But the Lesbian doth not do such. She doth useth the mouth of the Sodomite to draw the devil from thy pure daughter's nether regions.

Recently, Africa hath been making advances in "Lesbian Control". Some of their methods are extreme, but effective. My personal favorite: stitch that thang up. Stitch it and give thy son-in-law the sacred golden scissors right after the Father-Daughter Wedding Dance (which is not at all weird, praise Allah!) Then Jesusette will be right with the LORD once again, and Hilda will be Shitteth Out of Lucketh. (Numbers 39:93)

2008-01-14T09:29:00.000-05:00

The Economist's campaign blog had an interesting post from the other night positing a new low for punditry. A strong claim is being made that Chris Matthews* (and presumably his industry kith) are unable to objectively hate on Hilary, thus increasing the compassion voters have for her. It makes sense, if you think about it in an irrational way -- and most voters vote irrationally. I can see many people, especially women, saying to themselves "Well she's been through so much already and Obama is winning by a lot, so I'll just vote for her to make her feel better".
As far as the recount goes, I think it will have little effect on the outcome. It's unlikely that Hilary swindled anyone. I think more independents voted for McCain over Obama (and Ron Paul) and more people turned out in general. Hilary has more support from voters than Obama does and the loss of the indie vote to McCain hurt him more than we realize. I think Clinton was (pleasantly) surprised by the NH win, expecting a second place finish instead. Even if something suspicious did happen, it's going to be nearly impossible to connect Hilary to voter fraud. It's not like Bush himself rigged the election in 2000. We like to say he stole the election, but it's more plausible that Republican operatives rigged the vote in Republican held districts than that Bush directed them to steal the vote for him. The orders for voter fraud are more likely to come from the party than the candidate. Also, if there was voter fraud, you can bet that the parties do not want it openly reported to the public and here's why:

1. Apathetic voters will be even less likely to come to the polls.
2. It will seem like the candidates are already chosen and this is only a dog-and-pony show.
3. It gives the edge to the other party in terms of ethical reputation, potentially hurting the
entire part in the Congressional elections (occurring the same day as the Presidential vote).
And finally,
4. It cements the suspicions that the public has about how votes are meaningless, politics are
inclusive of the people, politicians are calculating, power-greedy, and patronizing. It will
demoralize the voters and make the elections even less credible.

*The most disturbing thing about this whole theory is Chris Matthews. He's a pundit's pundit who looks like he's having the slowest stroke in history. The worse thing about him is that he can't even laugh. Instead of producing the sound of laughter that all humans make when they're amused, he actually pronounces the word (HA!) that represents the act.

Recount! Recount!

2008-01-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't heard, there's going to be a recount for the New Hampshire Primary.

Some of us right here at American Other suggested that there might have been something hinkey going on with New Hampshire, so we're pleased that officials will be reconsidering the ballots. Of course, if some sort of tampering or unfairness occurred in the first place, I have difficulty believing that it wouldn't happen with a recount as well.

Of course, this whole situation recalls the 2000 election, though there's a lot less at stake at the moment.*

I have no doubt that the election results will change in some way, though I doubt they will change much for Kucinich (who is instigating the recount with Republican Albert Howard--they fronted the $2,000 needed to start the process).

I think the recount will give Ron Paul a boost and, in fact, I find his primary results to be most suspicious. I also think that percentages will change for both Obama and Edwards and that Hillary Clinton will prove to have less support.

Why is Kucinich doing that? Clearly, his 1.4% won't be increasing to the levels that would make him a viable candidate. I think he has a few reasons:

The Principle--Aren't you inherently skeptical of most polls? I know I am. Having a recount would give us another data set to consider. Of course, it'll probably just make me continue to distrust results, and I'll want another recount. If, however, the results are close enough, then maybe I'll have more faith in the act of election (though certainly not in the morons doing the electing!)
Folk Heroism--If Kucinich's recount initiative uncovers some dirty laundry, he will gain my admiration. He might even gain my vote! Okay, since I've been considering electability in my voting (and apparently the large body of Obama and Clinton voters don't care about this and are willing to turn over the reigns to President Huckabee), I probably wouldn't go vote for Kucinich, but I'd certainly tell everyone how cool he is. Maybe I'll put a picture of him on my wall, next to all my Star Wars paraphernalia.
Making Votes Count--Have all the voters had their votes counted? Kucinich wants some assurance.

What do you think will happen?

*Much is at stake in the election proper, but this is only the beginning. There is still time for America--and Edwards--to rise.

Rani Calls Richardson

2008-01-09T21:00:00.001-05:00

Does anyone remember yesterday, when I predicted that Richardson would (a la Wilson-Phillips) "hold on for one more day"?

Well, some day somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye. Until then, baby, are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry?

I was right! Richardson dropped out of the election today.

The Rapture Draws Nigh; Don't Bother to Wash Your Car

2008-01-09T11:42:00.000-05:00

Foul sinners, the Reverend Gromit here. I am here to talk to you of a terrible, and wonderful, Prophecy of Doom. It is my favorite book of the Good Book(s): the Book of Revelation! You may be already cringing in horror right now which is good practice for the 1000 year rein of Beelzibub.

For you see, key politicians, such as Dick Cheney playing the role of the Anti-Christ, have been hurrying along the torturous firey reign of Satan. And yes, you will all have to wear 666 T-Shirts.

But fortunately for God's good buddies like myself, along with your endless punishment will be the Christian with a capital C Rapture. The Rapture, for those of you who will be fending off 7-headed dragons, is the day when my electric razor will be left by the sink MYSTERIOUSLY STILL RUNNING! With NO ONE SHAVING OR TURNING IT OFF! BUZZ BUZZ, SECULAR HUMANISTS! Not that I shave, but still, pretty spooky.

Yes, that fine day ye shall be "left behind" to battle the agents of Satan and perhaps be eaten by a friendly demon. Not me, though! I'm going--body and soul--straight to that great big Branson in the sky. While you cry the eternal tears of the damned, I'll be having Mai Tais with Billy Ray Cyrus, Lisa Welchel and of course Chuck Norris. And of course Mike "I only sinned once, and I was a baby" Huckabee will be playing bass in the all Christian Rock All-Star Band (not everything is perfect even in God's Heaven.)

Many of us, the LORDish, have been researching in the field of Rapturology trying to divine exactly when Ragnarok will occur. Ragnarok is, of course, when Jesus, Thor and Superman have a tag-team cage-match with Lucifer, Judas Priest and George Soros.

So shall I give to thee more good news, sons of Cain! There are several telling passages in the Book of Revelation that have recently come to fruition:

6: And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.

As you may recall, the great and mighty W never hurts the oil.

14: And didst the mighty she-wolf of Arkansas feed on the fish of sin.

I think we know who this is about.

18: Soon shall the stars fall down from the sky as the tree doth shake off its figs.

The writers' strike.

39: And wilst the jingoistic football team smite the sinful AFC East.

No idea what this means.

Taken together, even the youngest Hell-bound Buddist child can see that the end is nigh. I do feel sad that Michael Zebadiah Huckabee will never be President. For soon the LORD shall snatcheth him away. Huckabee will leave behind an unoccupied golf cart on the rolling fairways of Augusta.

Ron Paul will still be here, though. You'll pray for the lake of fire.

Everyone's a Comback Kid

2008-01-09T09:23:00.001-05:00

No, seriously. In The Washington Post this morning, at least two people have been labeled "Comeback Kids": Hillary Clinton and John McCain. No doubt that after South Carolina, Edwards and Obama will become "Comeback Kids," as will Huckabee when he takes another state.

I'm not sure how far back this "Comeback Kid" business goes, but it's definitely a term that got applied to Clinton the first before the 1992 election. I think Bill gave himself the moniker after he lost to Paul Tsongas in the New Hampshire primary but wound up taking the state on election night--by a large percentage.* And this is why Hillary *isn't* the new "Comeback Kid."

Now, I'm not exactly sure what the people of New Hampshire were thinking, but clearly some of them must have been smoking the wacky tabacky last night when they went to the polls for Clinton. (Don't think Rani doesn't know what goes on at Hampshire College--or at Dartmouth for that matter.) But even though Clinton won the primary, it was hardly by a large percentage. In fact, CNN held off on projecting the winner because the primary was pretty close. This wasn't some Comeback Kid, large percentage victory.

Don't be fooled by these tactics being employed by the Hillary camp.

Hate to tell you, but Hillary really is a robot from a galaxy far, far away. After all the horrors of the past eight years, it's easy to imagine that the Clinton years were this halcyon time when we all rode horsies and unicorns through the puffy clouds. Not so.

Remember Hillary's failed health care policy?
Remember Black Hawk Down and Somalia?
Remember Whitewater?
Remember campaign-finance investigations?
Remember Don't Ask Don't Tell?
Remember the Federal Government Furlough (during which our President was getting a visit from Ol' Blue Dress's Presidential Kneepads--and no, they weren't playing volleyball)?
Remember when Billary claimed they'd be adopting a (special needs) child but conveniently changed their minds after the 1996 election?
Remember Vince Foster (murder or suicide, your guess is as good as mine)?
Remember Bosnia and exaggerated claims of genocide--sounds familiar, eh?
Remember that the Clinton administration brought us the extraordinary rendition used to torture "suspected terrorists" in Syrian black prisons today?

I mention these things because Hillary predicates her experience on her tenure as First Lady. And by all accounts, she wasn't some shrinking violet First Lady who picks out new draperies. She was running the show and telling her husband what to do.

First Lady Macbeth.

Well, I say, "Out, out damn Hillary."

*And by "taking," we might wonder if Bill finished himself off in a sink... as he is wont to do.

Why Are We Letting New Hampshire Decide the Fate of the Free World?

2008-01-08T22:17:00.001-05:00

I know I'm not the first person to say this, but I have a "personal story" just like *sniff* Hillary "First Feeling Ever" Clinton.

When I was in college I knew exactly two women from New Hampshire. They did more whippits than anyone I have ever met. One of these girls was just kind of the unexamined life type that might vote for Hillary Clinton or John McCain. The other girl had a cottage cheese type brain which may or may not have been due entirely to whippits but I'm sure it didn't help. Tonight, these two women may be picking your president.

John McCain's bamboo-addled candidacy will undoubtedly wither in the weeks to come. He's 109 years young. But did New Hampshire voters really believe Hillary's "crying?" She didn't even cry! Sociopaths have no empathy.

But these morons in New Hampshire may have breathed new life into a woman who cannot win the presidency. These Democrats may have given the flat lining Republicans a new Dick Cheney-style pacemaker. Did you ever notice that New Hampshire looks kind of like a can of Reddi-Whip?

Rani picked the Repubs!

2008-01-08T20:40:00.001-05:00

CNN projected McCain as the winner, with Romney in second, and Huckabee in third.

Edwards has been projected to come in third, with a tight race between Clinton and Obama. Clinton appears to be leading. Snarff has declared his intentions to commit seppuku.

Election drop-outs

2008-01-08T13:57:00.001-05:00

We spend so much time on the top contenders here that I'd like to give a shout out to the less-successful candidates. To that end, here are my predictions on who will drop out and when.

Richardson: No stranger to snark from our blog, Richardson will hold on for one more day (in the words of Wilson Phillips).

Kucinich: He *should* drop out (aw, little Yoda) but I think he will never know when to quit and will soldier on until he flat out runs out of cash.

Gravel: Dropping out tonight, mark my words.

Rani's NH Predictions

2008-01-08T11:52:00.000-05:00

Any guesses on what might happen tonight?

For the Repubs, I'm predicting: McCain, Romney, Huckabee. Buoyed by their NH stats, all three will stay in the race.

For the Dems, I'll say: Obama, Edwards, Clinton. All three will stay in as well.

First to Vote Dixville Notch in NH Hates Clinton

2008-01-08T09:26:00.000-05:00

Check back in with American Other today for periodic updates on the New Hampshire Primary.

Nothing much going on at the moment, except for little Dixville Notch making their disdain for Clinton known. So it's not the most important news of the day, but it's early. Polls close at 8pm.

In the meantime, feel free to entertain yourself with the following video, in which Hillary pretends to be human. When asked how she does it, Hillary lowers her voice and speaks hesitantly, as if trying to convince voters that she really isn't the freaky robot that we know her to be. Note the melodramatic crack in her voice and the desperate attempt to blink some tears into her eyes. Boo hoo, Hill. Boo hoo.

Huckabee and Romney v. Satan

2008-01-07T22:47:00.000-05:00

For the people will slay the golden yak of freedom, and bask in the warming light of security.
3 Corinthians 65:9

Hello Sinners, I am His Holiness the Most Reverend Gromit. I have been sent by the LORD to rid this blog of Satanic Leftists. I will cleanse all of the internets of this filth in the name of God's chosen prophet, "W".

Praise be to Gromit.

Last summer when Mike "Chugmaster" Huckabee, Mitt "Baseball Glove" Romney and I were scuba-diving in the Caymans, we shared many things. We shared bible verses, oversized cans of Japanese beer and we even shared a case of the clap we got from the same frightened street urchin.

But the most important thing we shared was their plans for America. And of course they shared confidential NSA data about Barack Saddam bin Laden al Qaeda...oops! Slip of the keyboard. I mean, of course, Senator Osama. I'll catapult the propaganda in a way that every great American with a GED can understand. The candidate's plans:

Defense of Marriage

Huckabee: Marriage is between one man and one woman (Just as Mary was married to Joseph...and God...bad example.)

Romney: Marriage is between one man and as many Thai girls as can fit in a FedEx pak. (Amen!)

Obama: Marriage is between one black man and your wife.

Immigration Reform

Huckabee: If they run, shoot 'em with a gun. If they put up their hands, also shoot 'em.

Romney: A sponsor of "The Moat": a mile-wide canal between the US of A and Mexico filled with dragons. (Not sure about where the dragons will come from but I like it.)

Obama: Rename the USA "Los Enchiladas Grandes."

The War with Iran

Huckabee: Bomb 'em.

Romney: Nuke 'em.

Obama: Not so fast--I have a summer house there!

Health Care

Huckabee: The only Health Care we need is the healing power of prayer. (Praise Jesus for Dr. Steinberg!)

Romney: The poor will be free to sell their organs on eBay. (Buy it now!)

Obama: Every town will be assigned a retired Soviet doctor and all private doctors will be reassigned to Guam.

So on Tuesday in New Hampshire, you know what to do: steal the election. Praise be to Gromit, Amen.

American Other Goes Bipartisan

2008-01-07T12:01:00.001-05:00

If you've been worried that your views are not adequately being represented on American Other, fear not! We're being joined by a new blogger, the Reverend Gromit. I'm sure he'll tell you more about himself, but he will be bringing his extra-special Christian Right perspective to our blog!

Welcome, Reverend!

My Post-Debate Reprise

2008-01-06T12:23:00.000-05:00

My god, he has a lot of chins.

The Rani and Snarff are on the debate coverage already, but I wanted to add my own bit in here, too.

So after watching the Dem debates, I went ahead and watched the Red debates, too (thanks, Comcast DVR!). There are some marked differences that I think should be pointed out.

The Republican debate seemed to focus a good bit on immigration, and Giuliani spent a fair bit of time touting his law enforcement background and how "amnesty for illegals" is bad. Last night he was a cop, and just the kind of cop you hate to get pulled over by. Everyone else pretty much pounced on his own record as mayor of New York, and how he basically gave amnesty...or maybe he didn't. But he sure looked nutty for a moment there.

At least two Republicans have conflated immigration with security (Giuliani and McCain). There's a lot of talk about the importance of "securing our borders" and "sealing our borders," which I think is kind of stupid--as if there's a giant tube of caulk out there that you can use to keep out the pesky Canadians who keep getting into the bathtup of the Great Lakes.

(The thing that is most obvious that no one talks about when it comes to border security is that everyone's focused on the Mexican border. There's not a lot of talk about the Canadian border, which presumably is just as porous, and just as insecure. But it's the Mexicans that scare the bejeezus out of the Republicans.)

Romney played the exact same kind of "I've brought change!" bullet point list that Hillary did later on, with not quite the same amount of fire or indignation. No one's eyebrows went up at all like they did when Hillary got riled up. Change! Everyone's for it, but I guess it's the denominations that are important, huh?

McCain's targetted Obama on his security background, and believes that "radical Islamist terrorism" is the primary threat faced by America. In fact, there's a lot of targetting Democrats on how weak they are, and how "creating timetables for withdrawal in a time of war" is tantamount to retreat, and therefore shameful.

Huckabee is the only one who even mentions anything positive about Obama, and rightly so: "He's touched on something that Americans want....He has excited voters in this country, let's pay respect for that. We better be careful as a party, because if we don't give people something to be for, and not just something to be against, we're going to lose this election."

Ron Paul jumped on that same wagon, to some degree, basically talking about the youthfulness of the ideas. He explores the differences a bit more, touting his own libertarian background. He still slams Obama for "not talking about income tax" and supporting a welfare state (which Obama actually did talk about in the Dem debate, so...uh...).

The topic of India and China as developing markets (and therefore as competitor consumers for oil) is kind of interesting for the candidate reactions. Ron Paul makes this all about oil. He makes an interesting point about the price of oil: that it was $27 a barrel when we went to Iraq, and now it's around $100, and this was supposed to be about "securing the oil" (it was?! WTF?! As if this particular bit of truth were not totally anathema just a year ago). McCain follows along on the oil topic, and talks about reducing dependence on foreign oil, but does not talk about ethanol and what a disaster it is. We're really moving astray from the topic, but no one seems to care. Thompson just reiterates the obvious, except he also suggest we use the oil reserves in this country (presumably, this means ANWR). He also suggest we "need the oil to flow" while we search for alternatives, which doesn't make any sense, but again, no one bites. Giuliani jumps on the same "ennumerate forms of alternate energy" train as everyone else, and throws in clean coal, wind, and nuclear.

Charlie points out that nuclear is an interesting topic in NH. Huckabee dodges that bullet and keeps on with how great innovation is. No one wants to say that oil companies' excessive profits getting taxed (the "windfall tax") is a good idea. Romney doesn't say anything new, either. Everyone says we need to invest in new forms of energy. No one seems to be thinking too clearly about it, though.

Romney and McCain hate each other the way Hillary and Obama hate each other. That's obvious. But...it kind of seems like no one cares. They had a pretty heated exchange when McCain somewhat sarcastically said Romney was a "real candidate of change," and Romney said the ad hominem attacks were unnecessary.

In fact, Stephanopolous pointed out in the post-debate dissection that none of the other candidates seem to like Romney very much, and that several of them went at it with him. Romney did force McCain to talk about immigration, which McCain was reluctant to do. And Giuliani clearly didn't mind letting Romney and McCain go at each other for a while.

The handshakes at the end of the Republican debate when they walked the Dems out and all the candidates shook hands and greeted each other were interesting to me, too. First, the audience loved it, and clapped the whole time that the candidates were on stage. Next, it's interesting to note who stopped where to talk:

Ron Paul sort of paired up with Richardson for a while.

Obama hugged McCain like he meant it.
McCain hugged Edwards like they were going to make out.
Hillary didn't really linger with anyone, moving right down the line. She smiled biggest for McCain and paired up with him for a moment.
Richardson kept it moving, but did seem to linger a while with Giuliani.
The mics caught Hillary greeting Charlie rather warmly ("Hello, Charlie! How are you?") and his tepid response ("Hello there").

Stephanopoulous points out that the Clinton / Richardson relationship might not be as warm as it seems, because of some purported backroom deals between Richardson and Obama for Iowa. The relevant details are not explored any further, but George says that the Clintons are "livid" about it.

In-ter-est-ing.

Oh, and FYI, for those of you who were really focused on Iowa and Huckabee's "victory," keep in mind that Romney just won the Wyoming caucus. That race is far from over.

Also, I'm not sure what the MSM is up to, but I was really teed off by the implications during the Dem debate last night that "the surge has worked." Lest you think that, today's headlines should help set things straight:

Shiite sheikh shot dead by gunmen in Baghdad neighborhood, officials
say

Ismaiel Abbas had been active in efforts to counter militia
activity

16 people killed, 32 wounded in three separate bombings in Iraqi
capital

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- Three separate bombings killed at
least 16 people Sunday, and gunmen shot to death a Shiite tribal sheikh active
in an effort to counter militias in his northeastern Baghdad neighborhood, Iraqi
officials said.

Uh, yeah, I'm going to plan my vacation to Baghdad immediately. Thank you, Surge!

On the Dem side, here's the tally:
Clinton 33%
Obama 33%
Edwards 20%
Richardson 4%
Kucinich 2%

And the Republicans' scorecard:
McCain 33%
Romney 27%
Giuliani 14%
Huckabee 11%

(all numbers courtesy of CNN.com)

Based on those preliminary numbers, an Obama / Edwards ticket makes quite a bit of sense. It'd be tough to beat, since both Edwards and Obama have some support on the other side of the aisle.

Finally, for those of you who'd be interested in making a trip to Denver, Aug 25-28 for some real political fun, let me know. I'm going to go. If ever there was a DNC to attend, this is it!

Edwards Still Has a Shot; But the Obama/Edwards Deal Has Been Brokered

2008-01-05T23:25:00.000-05:00

I was asking Rani while watching the Iowa results when Obama was going to make the call. The one to Edwards saying, if I win this thing, you'll be my VP. And Edwards counters with if I make a comeback you can be mine. We'll lay off each other and bury Hillary in the debate. I was almost positive it would be made. Anybody with an ounce of credibility knows that Hillary is in the pocket of special interests. She's about business as usual. And though Edwards and Obama don't agree about everything they don't take money from special interests. They actually care about this country in the way that Hillary cares about power.

So they cut the deal, and Edwards dropped the hammer on Hill tonight. Edwards still has a shot in this election, but he's not going to sacrifice the country and the world by letting Hillary win. Neither would Obama.

When Hillary attacked them both, she must have known. She managed to draw it out early, and she had a blunt answer. Bill Richardson was clearly in Hillary's corner with his 2% at the caucuses. 29+2=31%. 30+38=68%. This isn't tough math.

So with Edwards' strong performance tonight he could pull an upset in New Hampshire. Or Obama might continue what he started in Iowa. The important thing to people who care about this country is that 68-31% advantage against the same old shit.

Plan B: The Vice-Presidency

2008-01-05T22:57:00.001-05:00

I've seen some discussion lately about who's jockeying for VP position.

One credible individual theorized that Obama will go for a Wes Clark type, while Clinton would choose a Richardson type.

I have a feeling like no one will be picking Richardson. I'm just saying.

After watching tonight's debates, I remain convinced with my pick of an Obama-Edwards ticket. Of course, I'd prefer an Edwards-Obama ticket, but I'd accept it the other way round. They're speaking the same language, and I think it could be a really fruitful partnership--at least ideologically.

9:34 pm.

Wes Clark has endorsed Clinton, and I could see her picking up someone like him.

Dem Debate: Slam Book Style

2008-01-05T22:48:00.001-05:00

Charlie Gibson asks, "What do you wish you hadn't said in a debate?"

Hillary: Waffles, no comment.

Richardson: Claimed to love a U.S. Supreme Court justice who opposed Roe v. Wade. Bo-oring.

Edwards: "I made a horrendous mistake of teasing Hillary about her jacket. And I want her to know--you look terrific tonight."

Obama: Lots of words, no substantial comment.

This pretty much sums up tonight's debate. Who do you think is the winner?

Charlie Gibson to candidates: Fear the Glasses on my GOP nose!

2008-01-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

Just because you have glasses on your nose, doesn't mean you're Albus Dumbledore. Charlie Gibson is acting like he's Sam Donaldson and how he "covered Washington for a long time." Charlie--you hosted GOOD MORNING AMERICA for like 80 years! You are the guy interviewing Martha Stewart or Shaq or an iguana handler from the San Diego zoo. Shut the Hell up!

Newsflash: "I have feelings too!" -Hillary

2008-01-05T22:11:00.000-05:00

Charlie Gibson notes that people like Obama better. Hillary replies, "Well, that hurts my feelings!" [Cue laughter.]

That's news to me! Feelings? From the woman who once noted that she pities unthinking emotion? Whose daughter once told her school chums that emotions are for the weak?

Richardson to Edwards: I'm drunk

2008-01-05T22:02:00.000-05:00

Edwards: I'm going to bring troops home within a year.

Richardson: Unlike you, John. I'm going to bring home troops within a year. And I'm totally wasted on tequila worms and Miller Chill lime-flavored beer.

Richardson: I Will Stop Death!

2008-01-05T21:58:00.000-05:00

Bill Richardson needs his hearing tested.

Saint John Edwards finished a coherent statement about ending the war in Iraq, outlining an immediate pull out of 40-50K troops and withdrawal of the rest with in 9-10 months. Richardson then responds, "John, you can't end the war without taking the troops out. As president, I will remove the troops within a year." Um, someone clearly wasn't paying attention!

Richardson continues on, noting that he flies his flag at half-mast each time he hears about a death. He adds, "I will stop that."

Yes, you heard it here first. Bill Richardson will stop death. Fear not the Grim Reaper coming for you, beloved reader. Richardson will ensure that you live forever.

Edwards: No Nukes! Hillary: I'm Gay

2008-01-05T21:40:00.000-05:00

As in happy. Hillary is very, very...happy.

Edwards can now be the biggest leftist on stage without Kucinich and Gravel. God bless it! Why is Bill Richardson here, by the way?

Please Step Aside, Pervez

2008-01-05T21:23:00.000-05:00

I'm watching the Dem Debate right now--after a horrible, crushing Redskins loss--and I'm struck by Bill Richardson's optimism.

Charlie Gibson asks what Richardson would do if there were credible evidence of Pakistani awfulness.

Richardson replies, "I would ask Musharraf to step aside."

Um, yeah, that'll work.

Elizabeth Declares John in Second Place

2008-01-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

John Edwards gave a most awesome speech after the Iowa results. Ballsy Elizabeth Edwards declared second place for John, and it seems that her prognostication is coming to fruition.

As I listened to Edwards speaking, I realized that he is positioning himself for VP, and I think there might be some deal-brokering, phone calls, and horse trading between Edwards and Obama coming soon. I'll be interested to see how it plays out.

Meanwhile, I'm watching Hillary speaking, and she just seems so lackluster. In fact, she keeps jacking Edwards and Obama phrases and passing them off as her own with a very flat delivery. To make matters worse, she's framed on the right by Madeleine Albright and by Bill on the left. It's one of the ugliest sights ever to grace my television. This woman just has no charisma. To make matters worse, I'm reading this book, and it's really not improving my vision of Hillary. Neither is the mullet she appears to be sporting currently.

I ask again, "How does President Huckabee" sound?

2008-01-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

CNN is now projecting Obama as Iowa Caucus winner.

Let me make it clear that if Obama wins the nomination, I will campaign for and vote for Obama. In fact, it does make me proud to know that we've finally gotten to the point where a black man can win the Iowa Caucus.

In the meantime, however, I'd really prefer that we come up with a nominee who could win a general election. The words "viable" and "electable" are coming up in regards to the Democratic nomination. What I'm not hearing, however, is "viable" and "electable" in a general election.

I firmly believe that the best way for Democrats to have a president is to find a Southerner who can pick up all those votes that are now going to go to Huckabee. Are all those Southern Baptists going to say, "Oooh, let's check out that Obama guy?" Doubtful. In fact, they'll probably start regretting that pesky 13th Amendment. Is there a small chance they might give John Edwards a second glance? Yes, I think so. After all, he isn't a Yankee.

If Obama gets the nomination, we're in for a few more Obama/Osama slips and sooner than you can blink, President Huckabee will be marching us back to Nazi Germany c. 1936 (thanks, Snarff).

How does President Huckabee sound?

2008-01-03T20:58:00.001-05:00

I don't like it either.

Make it stop. Go vote for Edwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 8:59 EST.

Only three minutes ago, CNN projected Huckabee as the winner with only 15% reporting. I guess they're pretty certain, but it's so early.

EDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDSEDWARDS

We *can't* have eight more years of this crap.

What Would Jesus Barbecue?

2008-01-03T12:22:00.001-05:00

This post started as a comment to Rani's previous post. So if you have not had the pleasure of reading it, do it now, then come back.

Jesus had a barbecue once. He only used two fish and five loaves of bread and fed 5,000 people. He probably served wine too. By my logic, that makes Jesus and Hilary Clinton one and the same. Going further, Mitt Romney said that Jesus and Satan were brothers (or something to that effect). In the mid 1990's, Republicans were calling Bill Clinton the devil, a.k.a. Satan. THEREFORE: If Bill really is Satan, that means he is the anti-Christ and doesn't the anti-Christ have to rise to power before Jesus returns? He has already risen (twice).

Lando's Conclusion: If anyone wants Armageddon and the Rapture, they should vote for Hilary Clinton. If, perhaps, you are a sinner and do not want me to be spirited to my maker, then these are your flawed choices.

The Sinners:

1. John Edwards: His blue-collar stories from the trial courtroom will make you sympathize with all of the blue-collar factory workers who now work in South Asia. At desks. In offices.

2. Barack Obama: He grew up in Hawaii (it wasn’t even American until 1959) and Indonesia. He’s wanted to be president since kindergarten (which is when he started school in Indonesia). So a guy who doesn’t really grow up in America with an exotic/non-American name wants to become president of the United States as soon as he moves to a majority Muslim country? He’s always going on about change too. The changes he foresees mean little black burqa nights at the club (read: the mosque) and prayer SIX times a day to show the Mecca who’s the boss.

The False Prophets:

1. Mitt Romney: Will do all he can to prohibit the things that make you feel good. Like drugs and coffee.

2. Mike Huckabee: His plan to curb the obesity epidemic includes a new regimen for weight loss and spiritual gain called prayercise. Think Jazzercise without the sin and church in a sauna.

3. Rudy Giuliani: He will scare you shitless until you realize that yes, you are a terrorist.

4. John McCain: I almost forgot him. He suffered so much during his tortuous stay at the Hanoi Hilton that he can't even fully bend and extend his right arm. Do you really want a commander in chief that can't salute the troops? I didn't think so.

So, you decide. Then stay on your couch because it's easier to watch the election on tv.

The Truth About the Election

2008-01-03T11:24:00.000-05:00

You probably realize that I don't pull many punches. In that vein, I'm going to share something that I think of as each new election draws near. While some of us might be doing frantic calculations to determine who will be the next president, it all comes down to one thing: the BBQ factor.

When Americans go to the polls to pick a president, they're not thinking about taxes, foreign policy, or kindergarten transcripts. They're thinking, "Now which of these candidates would I want at my BBQ." Ideally, the president will arrive clad in a plaid shirt, grab a Pabst Blue Ribbon from the cooler, and sidle up to the grill to flip some meat with his buddies.

Now, do Americans really want Hillary at their BBQ? Just imagine--she'd show up, demand shiraz, and wrestle control from the host. Before you know it, she's thrown out the beef and pork in favor of more healthy chicken and fish. No condiments allowed either.

Will Obama be invited to the BBQ? Only for some post-BBQ lynching.

Giuliani? I'm not sure America will take too kindly to someone trying to work his Italian sausage into things.

Romney? Can you trust a man who won't drink a beer?

What it comes down to here is Huckabee and Edwards. Both electable. Both suitable for BBQ invites.

I'll take Edwards. After we grill our plethora of meats and ride around in the fluffy clouds and dazzling rainbows on our unicorns, we'll be handing out leftover meat to the poor.

Fool Me Twice: The Hillary Clinton Nightmare 3--The Final Chapter--President Huckabee

2008-01-03T00:21:00.000-05:00

Or Giuliani...doesn't matter. Hillary Clinton in unelectable. A vote for Hillary is a vote for Huckabee and here's why:

According to a recent Zogby poll, Edwards and Obama beat (or in one case tie) every Republican candidate. Senator Hillary on the other hand would lose to EVERY MAJOR REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE including--brace yourself--Fred Thompson! This is with the least popular Republican administration in the history of time occupying the White House. This is with Hillary barely starting her "charming" angry paranoid meltdowns.

There's more: despite Hillary's effort to mimic Republican positions on everything save Abortion, Hillary is unbelievably hated amongst Republican voters. According to a USA Today poll, 84% of Republicans say they would never vote for her. The numbers for Obama and Edwards are in the 60% range.

And then there are the other "negatives." People that just can't stand Ms. Abrasive. 45% of all Americans would never vote for her. Compare this to Edwards' 31% and Obama's 30%. Men are especially high with a full 50% against Hillary no matter what.

Why do any Democrats support Hillary anyway? Some fondly remember the '92 Clinton victory but forget the Ross Perot 3rd-party good fortune that got him there with only 43% of the vote. Bill Clinton never had Hillary-like Negatives, and always had charm and an ability to connect with Americans that Hillary can't even approach.

Another reason she garners Dem support is what I like to call the "Dukakis Factor." Simply put, the Dukakis Factor is the Democratic Party's ability to pick the least electable candidates (president and vice president) possible for reasons that still baffle me. I think it starts in 1968 with Hubert Humphrey, then McGovern, with a break for Carter (who's 1980 victory was stolen by Reagan's "October Surprise.) Next Mondale and Ferraro, Dukakis, then Clinton another exception, followed by Gore (He wasn't very warm back then [maybe it's global warming] and let's not forget how many in the Democratic base still feel about Tipper's censorship crusade) and ol' Bloodthirsty Joe Lieberman. This ticket DID WIN of course but kept what should have been a landslide close enough to steal. Kerry ALSO WON, but was once again devoid of charisma and a landslide slid into another stolen election. Republicans like to win more than anything. Whereas Democrats, with a platform that benefits 95% of Americans, somehow figure out a way to lose.

While whatever fascist Repub plays to his base, Hillary plays to the Republican base that can't stand her. So vote for another Democrat, any Democrat. Or maybe just cast a vote in the Republican primary.

Hil is scared... And she should be...

2008-01-02T16:07:00.000-05:00

Since I'm currently ill and confined to the bed, I'm mercy to my television. I think it's trying to tell me something. I was happily watching the Food Network and then it magically switched over to MSNBC. Guess I'm supposed to make a post.

We at American Other all take individual responsibility for our own presidential favorites. It's no secret that I'd like John Edwards to give me better health insurance, tuck me in and read me bedtime stories. Iowans, in the title of Spike Lee, Do the Right Thing.

(Chuck Norris is predicting a landslide for Huckabee, by the way. Life gets even more farcical than inside my head.)

ABC News is reporting, however, that the Clinton team is prepping for a massive spin campaign for when she does not capture the Iowans hearts. The article notes that there are plans to "declare success" even if Hil finishes in third place.

No!!!!!!!!

We've had eight years of declaring success when there's failure. Mission accomplished when mission ain't accomplished. Doublespeak and doublethink and the Thought Police. The last thing I want to see is a serious presidential candidate preparing to "declare success" for no reason.

Godspeed tomorrow, Iowans.

Iowa Cometh

2008-01-02T01:19:00.001-05:00

Rani now has a sinus infection and is reportedly sleeping with a "lavendar warming sheep" on her head so I'll weigh in briefly: Iowa. Caucuses. These caucuses are going to give the go-nowhere candidates a chance to quit without looking like quitters. And it's going to pick a frontrunner with actual delegates instead of just polls and cash. I'm going to rank the field as to my prefered candidates from both parties (in one handy list!)

1. John Edwards: Every time I think about crappy health care, huge co-pays and prescriptions draining my bank account I think about JE (not to be confused with JC although don't forget Jesus liked the poor and healing people too). Yes we have a chance for a good solid Progressive and maybe we can make some *gasp* progress!

2. Dennis Kucinich: Just saw Star Wars III again on Skinimax. Kucinich IS Yoda. Pointy ears. Wise words. Sees a lot of spaceships. Short. Handy with a light saber. Friendly with Large, hairy women (we all know what's behind Yoda's "good relations" with the Wookies. He's a freak!)

3. Chris Dodd: He's a bit of a speed-talker which is a problem because Americans can be slow-understanders. A cool stand on the senate floor, he speaks fluent Spanish...not a bad guy.

4. Barack Obama: Oprah likes him. He also does have a lot in common with JFK. He's charismatic, inexperienced, risky electorally and either he doesn't have a lot of policy ideas or is playing everything close to the vest (I believe the second, frankly.) Unlike JFK he doesn't have a quip for every occasion and also he tends to use big words most Americans don't understand. But wouldn't that be a relief after W?

5. Mike Gravel: "Imagine you had a chance in hell..."

6. Bill Richardson: Folksy only goes so far.

7. Joe Biden: Annoying life-long political insider.

8. Ron Paul: No NAFTA, no war--great; guns--fine (after the Bush administration I'm kind of glad the country is well-armed and hard to take over)...the rest not so much

9. Hillary Rodham Clinton: A wolf in sheep's clothing on war, trade and corporate welfare but we could use some progressive judges

10. John McCain: At least he's anti-torture (sort-of)

11. Alan Keyes: Easy to put him here because he has no shot. And he was in Borat!

12. Fred Thompson: This dude is comatose.

13. Duncan Hunter: Who?

14. Mitt Romney: Awful candidate and he "saw the Patriots win the World Series." Not even the Patriots are THAT good.

15. Rudy Giuliani: Slimy criminal taking shit from 9/11 firefighters. Wish I believed in Hell.

16. Mike Huckabee: "When fascism comes to this country, it will be wrapped in the flag, carrying a cross." That's what Bush was wrapped in. This guy is a dangerous fundamentalist and is looking to become the Ayatollah of America. God help us all.

RIP Benzair Bhutto

2007-12-27T15:01:00.000-05:00

Rather than provide any sort of comment, I offer portions of an article from the Washington Post, located here. Do with it what you will.

Although no group has claimed responsibility for Bhutto's killing, Western leaders immediately pointed to the Islamic extremist groups operating with increasing intensity in Pakistan, including those with links to al-Qaeda.

Yelling "Musharraf is a dog," they blamed him for Bhutto's death.

Bush, whose administration played a key role in arranging Bhutto's return to the country Oct. 18, spoke by telephone with Musharraf hours after her death.

In the narrow corridor outside the operating room, supporters cried out: "Long live Bhutto!" and "Musharraf is a murderer!"

"This is the height of brutality. They have hanged her father. They have killed her brothers. The government has killed all the good people of Pakistan," said Sarfraz Khan. "Please pray for us. Pray for our poor country."

Fool Me Twice: The Hillary Clinton Nightmare--Part 2--Rupert and Hillary 4ever <3

2007-12-27T01:38:00.000-05:00

I'll make this short and scary: Rupert Murdoch, the guy who brings you Fox News and the Wall Street Journal, is one of Senator Hillary Clinton's biggest supporters. Not only did he host a fundraiser for Hillary in 2006, but he has donated thousands of his personal funds. Moreover, he has led a bundling effort that has netted almost $100k for Senator Clinton's campaign from his fascist media concern, News Corp. This makes News Corp a top 20 supporter. Sen. Clinton has returned the favor by attending Fox News' 10th anniversary party.

Why would the head of Fox News support a leftist candidate? He wouldn't. Murdoch knows what all too many Americans ignore: Hillary Clinton is a right wing candidate. She is hawkish on every war that the NeoCons trot in front of Congress. She insists that someone making $96,000 a year is "middle class" (even though only 6% of America makes that.)

Hillary Clinton is someone who is once again responsive to only the needs of the rich and powerful. Murdoch's Fox News is the propaganda voice of the rich and powerful. This is not a mistake: the network that brought you Bush II is ready to bring you Hillary. Be afraid.

51 Seats Are Not Enough

2007-12-26T12:31:00.000-05:00

So today I'd like to talk about the Senate, and Senatorial leadership, and a few showdowns that are coming up that people seem oddly unconcerned about. And I'd really like to talk about Mitch McConnell. Specifically, I'd like to talk about how much I hate him, and how much you should hate him, too.

As the NYTimes reported, the Senate is about to bail on staffing the F.E.C. with competent commissioners, just before the 2008 campaign season really gets ramped up.

This particular story starts with Dubya's deep-seated love for recess appointments, and good ol' Hans Spakovsky. His (and two other) recess appointments are up in January, and the Senate is deadlocked on who gets to fill the spots. What should happen next in any Senate with balls at all is that Majority Leader Harry Reid forces a floor fight with Mitch McConnell.

But he won't. Uh, he definitely won't.

He and McConnell have come to accomodations over FISA and retroactive immunity for telecom companies that cooperated with warrantless wiretapping and have agreed not to run out a 30-hour clock on the motion. Reid is taking the easy way out; there are Democrat senators who'd like to add amendments to strip out retroactive immunity. Reid seems far more concerned about a Republican filibuster lately than on doing the right thing.

The thing is, there's blood in the water and no one seems to be noticing it on the left. McConnell is facing some serious opposition at home. So far he's facing three Louisville millionaires, and a guy who lost the 2006 Dem primary.

Bob Novak said of McConnell on the Immigration Reform bill back in 2007:

"If this were a war, Sen. McConnell should be relieved of command for dereliction of duty." Not only did the minority leader end up voting against an immigration bill that he said was better than the 2006 version he supported, he abandoned his post, staying off the floor during final stages of the debate."

Speaking of abandoning his post, what's up with Republicans who dodge military service? From Wikipedia:

The exact circumstances surrounding the discharge remain unknown because McConnell has always refused to discuss them; however, in August 1967, a telegram was sent to the commanding general at Fort Knox (where McConnell was in boot camp) by former Senator John Sherman Cooper, for whom McConnell had previously worked as an intern. The telegram stated that O'Connell was "anxious to clear post in order to enroll NYU. Please advise when final action can be expected." However, no record exists of McConnell ever enrolling - or even applying for admission - into New York University.

Um. Yeah.

Then there's his support for now-indicted KY governor Ernie Fletcher. Even in the midst of the hullaballoo, McConnell felt confident enough to step in front of a television camera and say, "I've never met a finer man than Ernie Fletcher."

The fallout of that one was wide and far-reaching, and eventually compelled Fletcher to fire several of his own appointees to save his own ass.

The guy's nuts on voting, too. He's backed pretty much everything the President has said he should. And even the most cursory scan of his voting record shows exactly how far gone he is. That means anything to do with the rule of law gets the boot, and anything that furthers the role of the executive gets a hearty welcome, and maybe a little Pavlovian-conditioned salivation on the side. Abortion? Bad. Anything that makes the country actually safer? Bad. Anything that furthers fear and hostility and gives the Republicans more power? Good! Anything that punishes poor people, scares Joe Public, and rewards corporate interests? Even better! The one surprise is that he didn't support a constitutional ban on flag burning back in 1995. I guess he had to draw a line somewhere...or maybe he just couldn't read very well back then, who knows?
I'm wondering if I've made the case that McConnell sucks* forcefully enough.

I'll probably write a post on how McConnell runs rings around Reid anytime he feels like it next. That's the flipside of this dismal, ugly, corroded coin.

*His wife is about as evil as he is. It's tangential to mention, and yeah, it's irrelevant and probably unfair, but she really sucks, too. I suppose I say this to offer evidence that shitty people tend to find each other and help each other be even shittier than they could be on their own. Oh, and it loops back, too, since at least one of the mine disasters she presided over was plagued by allegations of corruption and bribery traced directly to her husband's relationship with the mine owner. Stephen Colbert sends this one up better than I ever could.

Blogging for America

2007-12-26T12:12:00.001-05:00

You might have noticed some new voices around here, so I want to take a post and introduce everyone.

Meet Lando and Salil, who will be bringing you the same snark you've grown to love.

Also, keep any eye out because Snarff has moved from web content into full-fleged poster. Not to worry, he will keep bringing you audio and visuals.

Happy holidays from the crew at American Other. We've been drinking a bit too much eggnog (and I currently have three Christmas presents sitting on my head--and they aren't even hats!), so we'll be back in full force once our hangovers have cleared!

NORAD and Santa

2007-12-25T00:52:00.000-05:00

So I'm watching Monday Night Football. And amid the traditional holiday crap (group shots of the MNF crew, Xmas bumper muzak, etc.) Mike Tirico sincerely announces that NORAD (whose primary function is to track incoming nukes) is "tracking Santa." Then I talked with Rani on the phone and she also had heard the NORAD tracking Santa announcement on another station. This is hardly surprising, TV and NORAD have been doing this since I was a kid (the Reagan years, of course.) But before tonight I never realized how emblematic of the sickness of American culture this is. It's like a 7-layer burrito of dysfunction.

Now call me Scrooge (a good tale of populism, btw), but I decided this year that if I were to have kids someday (due to some birth control malfunction no doubt) I wouldn't feed them the old Santa Claus bullshit. If I'm going to buy my kids the latest gaming system, I don't want them thanking an imaginary pedophile.

Instead of:"Be good kids, Santa can see you and then no toys."
It'll be: "Beer me, Junior, or I'm selling your PS9 on eBay."
Much Better.

Besides, when the polar ice caps melt, then what?

"Santa's gonna drown dad!"
"It's because you forgot to say your prayers, kids."

But in the meantime, as a single American who has yet to father any future National Guardsmen for World War V, I have to listen to TV tell me that NORAD is tracking Santa Claus every fucking year. Thoughts that come to mind:

1. I live in DC. How can Santa deliver toys to DC without violating the White House Airspace? Will there be another crater in Pennsylvania? The hero elves of Santa Sleigh 93 attacked and killed the bearded terrorist Santa Al Clauz. They beat him to death with Bratz dolls.

2. Why do we have to be reminded of impending Nuclear Annihilation every Xmas Eve?

3.Wouldn't this be the perfect time for North Korea to squeeze off an ICBM at us over the North Pole?

What kid knows what NORAD is anyway? Is this when every kid turns around to his 50s pipe-smoking dad and asks, "Hey dad, what the hell is NORAD, and why is it tracking Santa Claus?" That's when most of American dads say, "Shut up, I'm trying to watch the game." But those who actually know the answer to the question will probably be inspired in a Jingoistic Xmas frenzy to say, "Those are the good people who live in a mountain with all the keys to the Nukes. If two guys both turn some keys, we all die. Then we get to see Grandpa."

Thank you Military Industrial Complex for somehow creeping onto EVERY LIVE BROADCAST ON CHRISTMAS EVE to talk about the extinction of the human race. And if you're a poor kid, you wake up the next morning to some "Toys for Tots" Marines handing you a GI Joe action figure. Jesus would be psyched!

Good thing NORAD sounds about as believable to a kid as Santa Claus does. Kid:"Let me get this straight--there's some guys who live under a mountain who spend their time tracking a fictional character. Sounds like a Dungeons 'n' Dragons club."

Now THAT sounds scary.

"Merry XMas!"

2007-12-24T17:26:00.001-05:00

Hi folks. I'm Salil.

This is my inaugural post. I actually had another one in the works that I'll polish up and release soon enough. But I'm home in Memphis, TN, visiting my family.

And I just wanted to share some true joy from the heart of America. I'm feeling a bit Grinch-like lately, thanks to a variety of inanity I've run across, and most of it is religious in nature. Well, 'tis the season to act holy, or at least more than thou, so I guess it's my turn!

First, a letter to the editor in my hometown rag, the Commercial Appeal. This is it, unedited, in its entirety (12/24/2007):

"Recently my grandson was cleaning his gun and accidentally shot himself. He was transported to the Regional Medical Center at Memphis. Since his condition was not critical, I waited until the next morning before I came to see him.

"Being from out of town and unfamiliar with the location, I could not find handicapped parking, but I did find a space across the street. Just entering the hospital from the parking space [sic] I was approached several times by different pandhandlers who requested money. They were rude and frightening when I refused to donate. Several police cars were patrolling the area, but none seemed to notice the situation.

"Isn't there something that can be done about this?

"Barbara Greenlee - Corinth, Mississippi."

I feel like that one is almost Zen-like in its ability to sum up everything that is wrong with the South. Clearly, someone has forgotten that Jesus is the Reason for the Season. But I really wish I could reply to her plaintive "isn't there something that can be done about this?" Such an easy retort!

"Yes, Barbara. We could take you out behind your trailer and let your grandson clean his gun again right next to you. Odds are that next time the situation will work out better for the whole planet."

This is immediately followed by a series of letters to the editor about whether the X as it's sometimes used in "XMas" is offensive or not. I cannot make this shit up. Seriously. But apparently quite a few fine upstanding Southern folk out there think that it is. Allow me to quote from another reader of this newspaper, a Mr. Dalton Cooper of Memphis, TN:

"The use of X is just another attempt by the small group of atheists to malign a belief of the vast majority of the American public: a belief in God and Christ."

An imperial presidency; an America characterized by xenophobic fear of the other that is fast losing its technological and intellectual edge in every economic sector you can shake a stick at; the environmental movement in tatters; the Constitution reduced to an inconvenient afterthought...and it's using an "X" in XMas that's offensive. Gotcha, Dalton. Glad to see you have your priorities straight.

Next up, an article in the same newspaper that my sister forwarded to me. I'll keep the commentary to a minimum. Read on, fellow teeth-gnashers.

"What happens here is funded entirely by Bellevue Baptist, a 30,000-member church in Memphis, the nation's second-largest Southern Baptist congregation. Every year, Bellevue shells out $5.5 million -- one-fourth of its $22 million annual budget -- for missionary work around the world. At any given time, Bellevue is supporting missionaries in more than two dozen countries, and annually sends its Memphis congregants on international mission trips to Central America, South America, Eastern Europe, the Middle East and Asia.

"India is particularly important for the congregation. The country is at the center of what Bellevue and other evangelical churches refer to as the '10/40 window' -- the area 10degrees to 40degrees north of the equator, from North Africa to Japan, where 95percent of the people are 'unevangelized' and where only 8percent of evangelical missionary dollars are spent.

"It's really called 'The Last Frontier,' says Steve Marcum, Bellevue's minister of missions."

The comments on this one are particularly finely wrought. You've got the most xenophobic racist evangelicals proclaiming their superiority over the heathens and their God-given obligation to bring their beautiful faith to the barbarians, since they just don't know any better. You've also got angry uncles proclaiming that India is really pretty swell, and you've got the BJP taking political advantage of the whole thing, too. It's like a perfect holiday three-ring circus, except the clowns are waaaay too scary for kids.

Okay, I think I'll end with that for now.

So when you're praying to whoever it is you pray to about the things you think are important, try and remember that there is no God, and even if there were, he's not listening to you, because you're retarded. Then visit the Betty Bowers website, and enjoy what the holidays are really for: getting away from your idiotic coworkers, and getting drunk in a bar after spending too much time with your family.

So many questions.

2007-12-23T12:20:00.001-05:00

In an effort to prove to the West that they are really the narcissistic attention-seeking terrorists we all know they are, Al Qaeda is opening up to questions from journalists. I have a feeling that some heads could roll (figuratively and literally) after this episode concludes. Fox News & Friends (read: the Administration and anyone who unconditionally loves America) will pillory any journalist for even thinking of asking questions. The associative logic displayed by these people sickens me but, alas, that's for another post. I'm also a little worried for Al-Qaeda's PR man. If he lets the wrong questions in, especially with the translation factor, we could see an internet video of him being fired. And by fired, I mean being decapitated. I am posting my questions below. I am also asking you, the loyal reader, to post as many questions as you want to ask Number 2.

9. How long did it take your beard to grow to its current length? Was it pre- or post- Lord of the Rings?

8. Has anyone ever referred to you as the Gandalf of Arabia, or do you feel more like Gimli since you live in a cave?

7. What is your biggest pet peeve about living with Osama Bin Laden? (He strikes me as the kind of guy without the common courtesy to replace the cap on the toothpaste).

6. Where do you see yourself 5 years from now? 10 years?

5. What is on your iPod right now?

4. If you were a car, what brand, make, and model would you be? (My guess is a Yugo.)

3. What parenting advice can you offer to Jamie Lynn Spears?

2. (Sung to the theme from Carmen Sandiego) Where in the world is Osama bin Laden?

1. If the result of having sex with a man named Mohammad was the conversion or death of every non-Muslim in the world, would you complete that task?

Fool Me Twice: The Hillary Clinton Nightmare--Part 1--Endless War

2007-12-22T22:10:00.000-05:00

Snarff here. Rani is doing the Xmas thing. I'm part of Bill-O's war on Christmas, so I'm going to throw some posts your way.

Our experience should have shown us the danger in trusting this Administration as it marched to war. That is why I and many of my colleagues -- at least many of those who bothered to vote -- opposed the Kyl-Lieberman Amendment. Unfortunately, Senator Clinton instead chose to lend credence to the Administration's position...It's easy to say 'fool me once, shame on George Bush,' but when she's been fooled twice, shame on her.
--Senator Christopher Dodd

As courageous as Chris Dodd has been these days (except for funding the war again), I have to disagree with him. Senator Hillary Clinton is the one trying to fool America twice, which is why any Democrat (and perhaps even the anti-war *gag* Repub Ron Paul) would be a decidedly better president.

While Senator Clinton mounts racist attacks against Senator Obama, (that drug dealer thing that would make George H.W. proud) she claims to be a helpless woman being attacked by misogynists.

Clinton touts her "experience" in her husband's administration, but asks us to forget her failure in her signature project (with a Democratic Congress no less)--Health Care reform. Oh, and then the Clintons helped to lose congress for 12 years and keep Rush flush with Oxycontin. Don't forget NAFTA--we all hear the "giant sucking sound" now. (Ross Perot had those great big ears so he heard it first.)

Progressives look forward to another Clinton administration like they look forward to open-heart surgery.

This first post will focus on perhaps the most dangerous aspect of Clinton's candidacy: her thirst for war.

I take responsibility for my vote. It was a sincere vote based on the facts and assurances we had at the time. Obviously, I would not vote that way again if we knew then what we know now.
Sen. Clinton on 2002 Iraq War authorization.

Except she did. Clinton voted for the Kyl-Lieberman amendment to "...designate the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps as a foreign terrorist organization." What exactly is the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps? Is it a rag tag band of terrorists doing the hand-over -hand bars at an Al Qaeda "camp?" No it's actually the largest branch of the Iranian Army, currently over 400,000 strong. This is more than double the number of US troops in Iraq. In time of war, the IRGC reportedly can swell to 11 million. So it's no wonder that Senator Jim Webb called the bill "Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream" and "...tantamount to a declaration of war." Senator Clinton is all too comfortable with war.

Not only does Hillary refuse to apologize for her vote to attack Iran, she believes the NIE "vindicates" her approval of the Iran war. Sound familiar? This is the same patented up-is-down doublespeak the Bush administration trotted out after the NIE. Here's what Hillary was saying about Iran in September: "The Revolutionary Guards are deeply involved in Iran’s nuclear program." Doesn't sound like vindication to me. But it does sound like Hillary circa 2003: "It is clear ... that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons." Hillary Clinton: a mouthpiece for NeoCons everywhere.

Hillary is also committed to being in Iraq indefinitely. Even with nearly 4,000 dead US Soldiers and an Iraqi death toll tantamount to genocide, Sen. Clinton wants a permanent presence in Iraq. Apparently Big Oil money isn't red or blue, it's green like the rest of Hillary's special interest cash. Sen. Clinton shows the same callous disregard for human life that W has. As the remainder of the Democratic field promises to be out of Iraq in a year, Hillary Clinton betrays America yet again.

Should Hillary be elected she would be the first woman president. She may also be the first woman President to be tried for war crimes.

We need to use every tool at our disposal, including...the threat and use of military force.
Sen. Clinton "talking tough" about Iran at AIPAC (American Israel Public Affairs Committee) dinner; 1/31/07

Iowa Knows What's Up: Edwards Leads

2007-12-20T12:38:00.000-05:00

Polls are stupid, but one here suggests that Edwards is making a strong showing in Iowa.

Clearly, there are some fine-thinking Iowans who know how to pick a candidate. One of them even reads this blog!

Turkey Attacks Iraq, Lil' Condi Does Standup

2007-12-19T09:58:00.000-05:00

You may have heard about Turkey's attack on northern Iraq. Say it with me, kids: Kurds!

I heard this news on the Ed Schultz show on Air America yesterday, and it featured Condoleeza Rice stating that the U.S. is very concerned about loss of innocent civilian lives. What, is she vying for a spot on Whose Line is it Anyway? I didn't realize that the Bush Administration cares about innocent civilian lives. In fact, I'm still not convinced they do.

The Detroit Free Press offers this story, in which Iraqis allege that there is no way Turkey would have attacked Iraq without U.S. sanction. Compelling argument. Kind of like the way the Japanese wouldn't have bombed Pearl Harbor if we hadn't left the boats out for them to bomb. That was a DBQ subject on my AP US History exam back in the day. I read some of those documents. I totally believe Roosevelt was looking for a way to get us into WWII. Just like 9/11.... hmm... but I digress.

Our Hope: John Edwards

2007-12-18T12:16:00.000-05:00

I just received an email from Kevin Bacon. He said we should vote for John Edwards. You know how I love me a celebrity endorsement! Particularly one from a celebrity from whom I am less than six degree away! (This is what happens when you date someone who was in that amazing '80s classic Satisfaction.)

Watch this movie. Do it. DO IT.

See if you can resist the politician who cares about the poor, who cares about health care, who cares about this country. I know I can't. Go Edwards!

The Readers Have Spoken

2007-12-16T21:25:00.000-05:00

In our last poll, we asked, "Which is the biggest lie."

Your choices: Mike Huckabee is right about Creationism, Hillary really bakes cookies, Dennis Kucinich saw a UFO, Bush just got the Iran report last week.

Which is the biggest lie?

Bush just got the Iran report last week took a narrow win over Hillary's culinary skills.

No one voted for Kucinich's UFO encounter, which either suggests that we believe Kucinich or he sounds positively earnest compared to the rest of these characters.

Now, we bring you a new poll. Speak your mind. Be not afraid.

A Likely Story

2007-12-16T09:04:00.000-05:00

Two pieces of news out of Pakistan:

1) Terror suspect flees.

2) Emergency rule ends, was meant to preserve democracy.

Okay. Help me think this through. Musharraf announces the end of the Emergency, stating that he had to implement emergency rule due to a threat to Pakistan's democracy. (And here I didn't even know that Pakistan ever had democracy. What country does, these days?) So let me get this straight. Musharraf had to squash democracy to preserve democracy. Fascinating. 1984 much?

Meanwhile, this fleeing terror suspect news coincides with Musharraf's democratic pronouncement. What better a way to reinforce the legitimacy of the Emergency and freak people out a little all at once?

All the News...

2007-12-14T08:02:00.000-05:00

Baseketball: Here I am, mildly hamstrung by an aching wrist--but after the Mitchell Report, my doctor refuses to do anything about it. How the not-so-mighty have fallen. Don't you remember when George Mitchell was doing IRA/Northern Ireland peace talks? I once had a classmate who claimed George Mitchell was her father. He wasn't. I should have realized this, since "Mitchell" wasn't her surname, but I was trying not to be judgmental. Bad idea.

Halliburton Land: I still haven't seen much coverage of the Halliburton rape case. Yes, there are now 730 Google News hits, but I haven't really seen it in any of the major locales. (No, The Kansas Record isn't what I have in mind). Get it together, major news media outlets! Hillary Clinton, I saw at one point, has called for a probe into the case. Good one Hillary. You were probably guarding the shipping crate and withholding the cell phone.

Primary School: Straight outta Des Moines, Mike Huckabee tells Elizabeth Edwards that Des Moines Register debates are dull ("It's boring") and everyone with half a brain cell declares John Edwards the winner of the debate. And how could you not? He has got all the charm of Jimmy Carter minus the October Surprise. He won't get down and dirty in various Obama-Clinton debacles. While they are playing playground politics, Edwards is busy saving puppies and helping old ladies cross the street.

The Cold Truth: I'm just going to say it. Don't go to the primaries electing people on whim or novelty. There's too much "Ooooh! A woman!" and "Oooooh! An African American!" going on. Look at the big picture. Think about who might win a general election. Think about all those people who aren't like you, who think electing anyone other than a white Christian man goes against God's (and Chuck Norris') law. Come time for the national election, when they're hesitating between Mitt "I Wear Magical Undies" Romney and Hillary Clinton, who are they going to pick? When they are forced to choose between Mike "I Love Chuck" Huckabee and Barack Obama, what are they going to do?

Quite frankly, I'm fed up with the Lil' Dems a lot of the time, but they're infinitely preferable to the Lil' Repubs. Let's think about our latest Lil' Dem Presidents: Lil' Bill, Lil' Jimmy Carter, Lil' Lyndon Johnson. White. Southern. Men. Lil' John Edwards. White. Southern. Man.

If we hadn't just endured eight years from hell, courtesy of Dubya, I'd probably be voting for Lil' Barack. But it's been bad, kids. Really bad. In my hunt for an electable candidate, I stumbled over Lil' John Edwards, and I realized that he's more of what I was looking for anyway.

And the man drives a gold Dodge Caravan. I know this because Snarff and I were at an event once and, when we left, wound up on Massachusetts Avenue behind Lil' John Edwards. I began to wave crazily out the car window, and he waved back.

Recession Roundup

2007-12-12T15:26:00.000-05:00

Reuters and other news agencies are reporting that central banks around the world are coming together to ease the credit crunch for overtaxed banks that are having trouble borrowing money.

WWAGD?*

This news report reminded me of another event in U.S. history--Black Thursday. You might not remember October 24, 1929, but that was the day that people started dumping their stock holdings, leading J.P. Morgan and other bankers to band together to buy up stocks and shore up the stock market. And we know how well that turned out. Just five days later, October 29, 1929, was the more famous Black Tuesday, the beginning of the Great Crash and the single most devastating financial day in the history of the New York Stock Exchange.**

What am I trying to tell you? Buy gold. I recommend Barclay's Bank Gold Shares, traded on the American Stock Exchange as "IAU."

Financial advice aside, I think it's time to get comfortable with that "r" word. Just say it.... Recession. Recession. Recession. Keep hoping it doesn't turn into that "d" word. Don't say it. Although Bush tried to claim that we're not headed for recession when he announced the mortgage freeze last week, the writing is on the wall.

What is it about Bushes that when we elect one, we end up in recession? Oh right.... Iraq.... Iraq... Iraq... Cronies... I can barely believe that, once upon a time, during the Bill Clinton years, we had, what, the smallest deficit in the history of time? And now?

A handy U.S. National Debt Clock is keeping track. As of this posting:

I'm not great with math, but is that nearly 9.2 TRILLION dollars?

Hold on to your hats, kids, 'cause things aren't going to get better any time soon.

*What would Alan Greenspan Do?
**I believe that October 19, 1987 or Black Monday might actually now be the largest stock market crash in terms of numbers, but Black Tuesday had more devastating results/fallout.

Special Buddies Alert: Huck and Chuck

2007-12-12T09:51:00.001-05:00

Muchas gracias to a colleague of mine for a tip on this particular gem. She also noted, "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer--if only he cried."

I suppose I have little patience for politicians who try to get too hip with their ads (see: Hillary Clinton's Sopranos spoof). Inevitably, these politicians end up proving that they are tragically un-hip.

I came away from this ad thinking more about Chuck Norris than about Mike Huckabee. In fact, I'm ready to vote Norris 2008. Why? Consider Huckabee's assertions in the ad:

My plan to secure the border? Two words: Chuck Norris.
There's no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up. He's pushing the ground down.
Chuck Norris doesn't endorse. He tells America how it's gonna be.

I'm a little scared. I want to move back up north where no one takes Chuck Norris seriously.

Media Cover Up For Halliburton Gang Rape

2007-12-11T07:57:00.001-05:00

This morning, I half expected to see news about Jennifer Leigh Jones somewhere. Google News front page, The Washington Post, New York Times, something. No. I shouldn't even be surprised.

I searched Google News, only to find that there are only SIXTEEN (yes, 1-6) hits for Jones's story. I hope that more come up when you click on that link.

Why isn't everyone reporting this? Who has cowed U.S. news media outlets into submission?

This isn't conspiracy theory:

In a statement, KBR said it was "instructed to cease" its own inquiry by the US authorities because they were assuming all responsibility for investigations.

And the U.S. then did nothing about it.

I know people are going to want to argue that this is between several Halliburton* employees and Jones, but this is emblematic of a larger sickness:

Her alleged assailants may well be beneficiaries of a loophole that has in effect left American contractors in Iraq beyond US law. Created in part to prevent prosecutions by the Iraqi authorities, it has meant that armed contractors have never faced legal action for several instances of shooting dead Iraqi civilians.

Welcome to the real Heart of Darkness.

*At the time of these events, Halliburton owned KBR. Because they have now sold KBR (hmmm, suspicious), Halliburton denies any responsibility for what happened to Jones.

No Laws for Halliburton: The Pitfalls of Privatizing Everything

2007-12-10T23:37:00.000-05:00

First Blackwater and now this.

I hope you've seen an absolutely shocking allegation from Jamie Leigh Jones, a Texas woman who was gang raped while working in Iraq for Halliburton.

To make her brutal humiliation even worse, when Jones wanted to seek medical help, she was locked in a shipping crate without food and water for over a day. All courtesy of Halliburton.

Jones managed to convince a kind(?) guard to let her use a cell phone, and Jones called her father who, in turn, called the State Department. The State Department sent an envoy from the U.S. embassy in Iraq to extricate Jones from the situation.

Look at these lawless corporations running Iraq. Shooting civilians and raping women. Way to rebuild a country, good sir.

Perhaps Americans don't really think about the Iraqi women who routinely are victims of the same brutality that Jones experienced. But maybe the fact that one of their own has received such abhorrent treatment will galvanize individuals against the free reign given to these corporations by the Bush administration. While I in no way want to minimize the horrors that Jones endured, I can't help but suggest that her experience is a perfect (and terrifying) metaphor of what Bush, Cheney, and their corporate cronies have done to America, Iraq, and the rest of the world.

Saudi, Saudi, Saudi, I Can Let You Go...

2007-12-10T08:07:00.001-05:00

This morning, The Washington Post reports that while Gitmo endures, the United States and Saudi Arabia have worked up an extra special plan to "reintegrate" Saudi detainees back into society. Sounds like a little "special buddies" action, no?

According to the Post:

The Defense Department considered more than 90 percent of the transferred detainees to be terrorist threats to the United States and its allies, but sent them home as part of an agreement that Saudi Arabia would mitigate the threat, according to Cmdr. J.D. Gordon, a Pentagon spokesman.

Does this sound fishy to you? "We consider them a threat, but Saudi Arabia will make it aaaaall better." Hmm. Since Saudi Arabia is so adept at prisoner reform, let's just ship our convicts there and watch them rise like phoenixes from the ashes of the U.S. penal system.

From the Saudi perspective:

The Saudi government contends that the reintegration program helps break the terrorist mind-set by linking former detainees with their families, their communities and a stable lifestyle. "No one who has gone through the program, completed it, and been released has presented a threat," said Adel al-Jubeir, the Saudi ambassador to Washington.

So we're assuming that everyone who was locked in Guantanamo actually was a terrorist? That's news to me.

But, in just six short weeks, your jihadist impulses will be gone:

After a reunion of nearly a week with their families, the former detainees begin a six-week program to "correct their ideas" about jihad and non-Muslims, a government effort to woo them away from al-Qaeda's radical theology in one-on-one discussions with religious scholars, Saudi officials said.

And you'll be living in the lap of luxury, kind of like Britney Spears in rehab:

After completing the course, former detainees begin the second phase at a halfway house, replete with a pool, volleyball courts, video games and table tennis. "It's like outpatient treatment. It's like a camp or resort," said a senior Saudi official familiar with the program, who agreed to be interviewed only if he was not identified.... They receive vocational training, religious classes and counseling to deal with depression or to help them adjust psychologically after lengthy captivities. They can spend an occasional night with their families; during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, they spend a week with relatives.

If you gave me a Wii, I might stop being a terrorist too.

Now, of course, I have no problems with the idea of releasing people from Gitmo. Their incarceration and treatment is nothing short of abysmal. Locking people away in Guantanamo is a pretty naive way for the U.S. to avoid taking responsibility for its own behavior and an evil, calculated way to galvanize public support for a failing war and an economy that is on an express train to recession.

What does bother me, however, is that this repatriation program is just another example of the buddy-buddiness with Saudi Arabia that is so characteristic of a Bush. (Not to mention: Saudi clearly is hamstringing the U.S. because of our oil habit, forcing Bush to leave troops in Iraq.)

In fact, the Post article notes:

U.S. and Saudi officials doubt, however, that the program could be adapted to Yemen, Somalia and other countries that lack appropriate resources or strong central governments.

Ah yes, the old "appropriate resources" and "central governments" debate. Why don't they just say it: "We're pissed off at Yemen, because that's where Osama's from" and "Somalia is filled with Africans so we can't trust them." That's *really* how Bush feels. Why pretend that Saudi Arabia is a happy paradise, an island floating in an ocean of Islamic fundamentalism. And how many of those 9/11 hijackers were Saudi? Exactly. Pot meet kettle meet pot.

Why not just say, "Saudi Arabia has colonized us, courtesy of the Bush family, through our dependence on their oil. That's why we're giving them their citizens back." Or "Al-Saud promised ponies for the president and every member of his administration."

At the very least, the pony bribe makes sense. The narratives of Saudi exceptionalism don't.

Mothers, Lock Up Your Gay Sons!

2007-12-09T19:36:00.000-05:00

Recent reports indicate that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is standing by a 15-year-old statement in which he favored "isolating" individuals with HIV. Said Huckabee:

We need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague.... It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents.

Huckabee also suggested that we were all being a tad bit too PC back in the '90s.

While I can't dispute that the '90s were an uber PC time that I'm glad to see gone, not locking up AIDS patients isn't a matter of being politically correct. Huckabee invokes quarantining of days past to claim a precedent, but what he fails to realize (then and now) is that there's a big difference between, say, the Bubonic Plague and AIDS. Or TB and AIDS. Or Bird Flu and AIDS.

The likelihood that any of us are going to accidentally contract HIV by getting on the subway with an AIDS patient is incredibly slim. Or, at the very least, you'd have to be trying pretty hard. But if I were on the Metro with a Bubonic Plague victim, someone with consumption, or a convalescing chicken, I would probably get the disease. That is to say, before we run around deciding to lock people up, how about checking about whether or not a disease could be transmitted through casual contact.

I've watched enough Mr. Belvedere to have seen the episode where Wesley's little friend has AIDS. Mr. Belvedere calmly explained to Wesley that it was okay to have the little friend spend the night over at the house. Was Mr. Belvedere telling Wesley that they should call the Department of Homeland Security and have the little friend locked away just in case his HIV mutated into some kind of airborne retrovirus smörgåsbord? I don't think so.

Oh and, by the way, Huckabee tried to get all semantic about this, indicating that "isolate" didn't really mean "quarantine" didn't really mean "lock up." Um, yeah.

Buy a thesaurus, Huckabee, even though you probably would tell the bookstore clerk that the thesaurus was a funny-looking dinosaur. Oh wait. You don't believe in dinosaurs. Sorry.

So, if you're keeping track of Huckabee's list of crimes, here's where I'm at:

Creationism
Very bad movie title could serve as his campaign slogan
Inability to define "PC"
Poor grasp of English language
Ignorance of disease transmission mechanism
Didn't see And the Band Played On...

We Cut Out the Middleman

2007-12-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

Much hullabaloo this weekend as Oprah Winfrey appeared in Iowa to campaign for Lil' Barack Obama. (NB: Do check out the LA Times link because you can vote on "Best Celebrity Endorsement," and Fred Thompson is his own celebrity endorsement. Who said America isn't wonderful?)

I have a proposal: Forget about Obama and just elect Oprah. Come on, you know you want to.

Oprah has a suitable (Bill) Clinton-esque narrative of progress sure to please even the most diehard meritocrats around. Coming from a struggling and troubled childhood, Oprah works hard and reinvents herself as, perhaps, the most successful American businesswoman ever. Gee, isn't this country great?! See, you just have to work hard like Oprah, and you'll be completely fine. And if you didn't do as well as Oprah, well, you just didn't try hard enough. This is the message I want to send the children of America. Don't you? For shame!

While I'm sure that celebrity endorsements for presidential campaigns are nothing new, I can't help but wonder if the Oprah-hoopla confirms my suspicion that the 2008 hopefuls are, mostly, a bunch of divas. And that's why we should just forget the candidates altogether and vote for the celebrities.

It would go a little something like this....

The Death Match

Lil' Dems
Harry Belafonte (John Edwards)
Oprah Winfrey (Barack Obama)
Barbara Streisand (Hillary Clinton)
Sean Penn (Dennis Kucinich)

Lil' Republicans
Ric Flair (Mike Huckabee)
The Cast of Big Love (Mitt Romney)
Steve Forbes (Rudy Giuliani)
Fred Thompson (Fred Thompson)

The Action

Early Primaries
In the first round, Belafonte sings the "Banana Boat Song," while Streisand reprises her numbers from Yentl. The American Idol judges declare Belafonte the winner, fair and square.

Wrestler Ric Flair takes on Steve Forbes and, let's face it, that match is over in approximately 30 seconds.

Oprah and Sean Penn go head to head, but Oprah hops on her diamond-encrusted pony rocket and leaves Sean Penn in the dust. Serves him right for the heavy-handed metaphors in his 9/11 short film.

Finally, it's the cast of Big Love vs. Fred Thompson. With all the prayerful action that Bill, Barb, Nicky, Margene and the kids could offer--and the evil doings of Roman, Albee, and everyone on the compound--it appears that Fred Thompson might meet his match. But no--the law is on Fred Thompson's side, law and order to be more specific. So, while the cast of Big Love is meeting to plan their attack, Fred Thompson has called the state police, the FBI, and the ATF. Before the cast can act, their houses and the compound are swarmed, and a Waco-style shootout/fiery death occurs.

The Conventions
Oprah thinks she has the nomination cinched, with only Harry Belafonte to throw down. But wait, Oprah didn't bother to come up with a platform. She was running on her role as Oprah (sounds like her endorsee, no?). News comes to light of Belafonte's involvement in the March on Washington and in the Civil Rights Movement, and the crowds go wild. No one wants Oprah anymore, so she cries on national television--to no avail.

As Ric Flair prepares to head off Fred Thompson at the pass, Thompson has called a congressional hearing to investigate use of steroids in the WWE. Ric Flair finds himself stuck in awful traffic on Massachusetts Avenue on his way to the Capitol for the hearing. Thompson wins again.

Election Day
With Harry Belafonte and Fred Thompson neck-and-neck, there's no telling what could happen. On election night, it's too close to call, so the candidates go home for a snooze. Senior Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak announces that she will personally oversee the hanging chad counting, and Belafonte is revealed to be the winner. Conspiracy theorists suggest that with Judith Light now a judge, Novak was worried about losing yet another DA. After all, who's going to back her up when Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler, Richard Belzer and Ice-T come up with their usual cockamamie schemes.

There you have it. John Edwards, I mean Harry Belafonte, for the win. Was that so difficult?

Shades of the Terror Alert System

2007-12-08T21:44:00.001-05:00

Back in the day, my childhood cartoons were interrupted by tests of the Emergency Broadcast System (this is only the test). I haven't seen one of those in a long time, but who needs it when we have 24-hour news networks, especially when these networks proudly bring us our Terror Colors. Call it what you will: Terror Alert, Color War, Presidential Approval Rating Meter, or Homeland Security Threat Advisory Level. What remains at the heart of this nifty graphic is the fact that the Bush Administration has created a pint-sized interpellation system meant to inspire our loyalty to the State Apparatus.

And this little system is what came to mind when I read the following GIGANTIC headline on The Washington Post homepage: "IRAN IS MAJOR THREAT TO GULF, SAYS GATES." Gates--that's Bobbo not Bill--kindly informs us that Iran might restart its nuclear weapons program AT ANY TIME. Thus, we need CONSTANT VIGILANCE! (Okay, no, he wasn't quoting Professor Mad-Eye Moody. But he could have done.)

By "MAJOR THREAT," I think he means "Islamic State." "AT ANY TIME" means Iran might have a nuke in three years were it to restart the weapons program right now. How unsurprising that this alarmist announcement comes right on the heels of the NIE report on Iran. And judging by the poll in the righthand column, I know what most of you think about that particular piece of news.

While the U.S. government is running around complaining about Iran having nukes, why aren't they worrying about.... say.... Israel? Pakistan? Or, better yet, themselves. In recent years, the United States has shown itself as criminally disingenuous. No doubt it's always been that way, but its revelation on the global stage has been nothing short of embarrassing.

Excuse me while I go renew my recently-expired British passport. I'm taking suggestions for places in the EU where I might take refuge.

Haikus for Guantanamo

2007-12-08T09:28:00.001-05:00

What a week! The U.S. Supreme Court has been hearing arguments about the detainees at Gitmo. There are two ways that the Supreme Court could go:

1) Decide that it's up to the Pentagon to decide the fate of the prisoners--who stays there and for how long. (Sounds like a plot of the next Arundhati Roy novel, no?)

2) Label the detainees as U.S. prisoners, thereby according them the right to trial by jury.

Paging Dr. Geneva Convention? Code Blue!

I'm reminded of Michel Foucault's arguments that categories are created frequently by those in power for the express purpose of maintaining their power and hegemony. Nowhere is this more evident than in arguments over the designations "enemy combatant" and "U.S. prisoner."

Who knew there would be worse options than "U.S. prisoner"? (Okay, to be fair, "Stupid English Schoolteacher in Sudan" might just be worse than "U.S. prisoner." I don't know.) No doubt, it's better to be a "U.S. prisoner" than an "enemy combatant"--or is it?

While we're all fighting so hard to have the detainees gain "prisoner" status, aren't we losing sight of the realities of the U.S. prison system? Are the detainees-turned-prisoners really going to get "justice" or "fair trial"? Perhaps it's simply the hope and the access that U.S. prisonerhood offers over enemy combatantship that makes the first option so much more appealing. But let's not forget that the U.S. justice system has its own major shortcomings. Just ask African American men. Sad to say, Guantanamo's detainees are probably more likely to get out alive as enemy combatants than if they were tried by our hypernational, jingoistic juries. In fact, if they are designated U.S. prisoners, we might as well just take them out back and shoot them Ceauşescu style, rather than going through the farce of a trial. But, oh wait, no, we're "humane" here.

There's a recent book, Poems from Guantanamo: The Detainees Speak, filled with, predictably, poems from Guantanamo. Strangely, these poems were translated by legal translators provided by the government, and no one is able to see the actual Arabic or Pashto versions because the original languages are Threats to National Security. Oy. Your guess on the function of this book of poetry is as good as mine.

But since my original language isn't a threat to your national security, here is my three-haiku cycle for Guantanamo.

Of course I want the
detainees to have a fair
shot at freedom. Of

Course I want them to
have the opportunity
to get out of Guan--

tanamo--and quick--
ly. I'm just not convinced that's
possible any time soon.

Entertainment Extra: Chubby Chasers of the World Unite

2007-12-07T23:15:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I found myself watching MTV's Return to Fat Camp. Now, I present you a poem that I've written in response.

Logan cried because her hair clips had lice
and then ate McDonald's BBQ sauce on her ice
cream. Dan wouldn't avoid the temptation to moan
and called his parents so much they took away his cell phone.
Sam weighed only 144 pounds
but, my, was that spare tire round.
Formerly obese Camp director, Tony Sparber,
is the world's most creepiest chubby chaser.
He might find himself immortalized forever and ever
when he's forced, as a sex offender, to register.
From what I could see (take it from me),
the kids at Fat Camp could use a little more therapy.

Bush Announces Mortgage Freeze...

2007-12-07T09:28:00.000-05:00

Then tells the White House chef to make him one for dessert.

Who knew it would come to this? If you meet the criteria, you might be able to get a five-year interest rate freeze on your ARM. But don't get excited yet, cautions The Washington Post:

The Center for Responsible Lending, which battles predatory lending, estimated that only 145,000 homeowners would qualify for the freeze because the criteria are too narrow.

The criteria include having consistently made mortgage payments on the lower rate and living in your home. This would exclude speculators. That can't be a bad thing.

And here I thought everyone who had an interest only loan should suffer the consequences of his or her stupid loan choices. These are not the rantings of a bitter woman with a 15-year fixed rate mortgage. This for all the people who *didn't* buy property because they realized that there was no way their income would increase commensurate with the interest rates they were going to pay on their "interest only" loans.

But really, the source of this problem isn't young people who want to buy properties they can't afford. The real problem is two-fold: American materialism and greedy lenders. Let me tell you a little story.

When my parents were just starting out (and, mind you, they were doctors), they bought a Fiat and lived in hospital housing. Over time, they bought nicer cars and bigger houses. Approximately 10 years after the Fiat and the hospital housing, they moved to America. And we lived in an apartment and had an ugly-yet-loveable Toyota Cressida, which we kept for the next ten years. So even though my parents were well into their 30s and 40s at that point, they were starting over at the beginning. But did they go and get an adjustable rate mortgage to buy property they couldn't yet afford? No. And when they had saved enough money for a down payment and had built up credit here, they bought a townhouse. Did they go buy a single-family-and-help mansion? No, they bought a townhouse. And, later, a nicer car. And, later, a nicer house with a 30-year fixed rate mortgage. Could they have bitten off more than they could chew? Well, of course. Did they? No.

And therein lies the lesson that's to be learned from all of this. As professional adults with a family, my parents started over and knew what they realistically could and could not afford. Couldn't they have thought, "Well, we had a house in England. We should have a house in America right away" and taken a subprime mortgage to make that happen? Yes, but they didn't.

It's hard to live in America in the new millennium. Believe me, I feel for you. But it's okay to rent an apartment for a while until you are in the position to make a sensible investment (or until your parents, out of the generosity of their hearts, buy a condo in which you can live). If you believe otherwise, it's because you've bought into a system that is telling you that you do not have enough for the sole purpose of exploiting you and taking your money. The subprime morgage rate is the new indentured servitude, and if enough people refuse to be indentured, then these lenders will get the message.

It's okay to work your way up to that de-luxe mansion in the skyyyyyy. George and Wheezy did it, and so can you.

If They Don't Exist, It Didn't Happen

2007-12-06T19:57:00.000-05:00

This just in: CIA destroys tapes of particularly nasty interrogations.

What surprises me more than the CIA destroying these tapes--which, let's be honest, not a surprise--is the CIA admitting that these tapes existed in the first place.

Let's explore the statements that this particular article makes, statements that hail from the loving arms of Big Brother, er the (un)intelligence community. As you can see, something's rotten in the state of Guantanamo.

Statement 1
They were made as "an internal check" on the CIA's use of harsh interrogation techniques, believed to include waterboarding, a technique that involves restraining a suspect and pouring water on him or her to produce the sensation of drowning.

Translation
George Tenet: Um, Mr. President? I found this tape. I'm a little bit concerned.
George Bush: Oh, little Georgie. Come sit on my knee and tell me your problems. If it was a tape of Mom and Pop, well, you shouldn't be too surprised. I'm sure that office of yours has seen more than its fair share of.... Well, what with J. Edgar Hoover.
George Tenet: Mr. President, that was the FBI.
George Bush: My daddy was head of the FBI?
George Tenet: No. J. Edgar Hoover was.
George Bush: J. Edgar Who? Come on over here, and I'll make all your pain go away.
George Tenet: This tape. *Sniff* It shows.... (shocked whisper) Waterboarding and---
George Bush: Well there, Georgie. I took a class by the ocean once. Waterboarding. Couldn't stay up on that board... hehe. I love trying out watersports, but Laura don't like 'em.
George Tenet: Um. Waterboarding is... torture.
George Bush: Georgie. I took an... an acting class once.
George Tenet: Mr. President, please.
George Bush: No no. Hear me out. It was the StanstedAirport.... No.... The StanfordUniversity..... No. It's a... method.
George Tenet: Stanislavski?
George Bush: Yeaaaaah, that's about right.
George Tenet: What does Stanislavski have to....?
George Bush: The tape. Use it.

Statement 2
Hayden said the agency began taping interrogations after the 2002 capture of Zubayda, whose "defiant and evasive" response to "normal questioning ... made imperative the use of other means to obtain the information."

Translation
Dick Cheney: What do you mean he won't cooperate?
George Tenet: We asked him questions....
Dick Cheney: Nicely?
George Tenet: Yes?
Dick Cheney: NEVER. NEVER. NEVER ASK THEM QUESTIONS NICELY.
George Tenet: (cowering) What should I do now?
Dick Cheney: Have you tried a cattle prod to the testicles?
George Tenet: Right away, sir. (fumbles with his zipper)
Dick Cheney: Not on yourself. On the enemy combatant.

Statement 3
President Bush disclosed the detention of Zubayda in September 2006 and said his behavior prompted the use of "an alternative set of procedures," which he said were cleared by the Department of Justice.

Translation
George Tenet: Mr. Rove? Why did you have us detain Mr..... Zubayda? There was no evidence of his....
Karl Rove: Sounds like Dubya.
George Tenet: Excuse me?
Karl Rove: Zubayda. Dubya.
George Tenet: Why, that's absurd.
Karl Rove: Don't want Mr. President... I mean... the American people... getting confused.

A Mormon Says What? ... Exactly

2007-12-06T15:57:00.000-05:00

Today, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a page out of President John F. Kennedy's book when he issued a speech to inform the world that his Mormon faith wouldn't influence his presidency.

The Washington Post kindly reprinted the text of Romney speech, available here. Notably, Romney says:

Let me assure you that no authorities of my church, or of any other church for that matter, will ever exert influence on presidential decisions. Their authority is theirs, within the province of church affairs, and it ends where the affairs of the nation begin.

But Romney sort of missed the point. Whereas Americans were concerned that Kennedy might have been answering to the Vatican with his political decisions, few people really think Romney will become the mouthpiece for the megalomaniacal machinations of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. No, the truth is most people just think Mormons are more than a little loony. And for good reason, too.

Riddle me this, Romney. Where in Missouri is the Garden of Eden? Would that be in St. Louis or somewhere closer to, say, Kansas City? Have you really never had a cuppa joe? Do you wear your magical underwear when you and the Missus are making more spirit children? And for how many holocaust victims did you get proxy-baptized?

Seriously. Missouri?!

Just a Day on the Campaign Trail

2007-12-04T17:08:00.000-05:00

This week is already shaping up to be a doozy for Campaign 2008 watchers.

From the "This-should-be-an-episode-of-Lil'-Bush" category, we have the Obama-Clinton Debacle. Clinton accuses Obama of being disingenuous about his presidential designs because--get this--he says running for president wasn't a long-held ambition but a kindergarten essay indicates that Obama wanted to be president even then. Wow. Is that the dirt Clinton's been holding out on Obama? The best part of all of this is the Obama spokesman's reply: "I'm sure tomorrow they'll attack him for being a flip-flopper because he told his second grade teacher he wanted to be an astronaut."

In the interest of "equal time" or whatever rule it is that means Fred Thompson won't be guesting on Law and Order: SVU any more (damn!), here's the word from Planet Crackpot. I mean, Mitt Romney. Thursday is Romney's big speech when he'll try to convince the world that he and other Mormons aren't totally loony. To the contrary, check out this MSNBC transcript in which Mitt Romney doesn't deny his belief that the Garden of Eden is in Missouri. Missouri!